Welcome to CATCOUK

Want a free drink? Read on...

Yes, CATCOUK is, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, now being broadcast on Facebook. Don't know what that is? It's an excuse for students to waste their time on the internet, uploading, downloading, viewing, and commenting on photos, and writing childish messages to each other. Yep, that's right, it's Bebo/ MySpace all over again. But that explains the title. And what about that free drink? Read on...

This week, a couple of things have been going on. We kicked off the week, with my brother's 18th Birthday. We celebrated this fact by filling me brother's 05 plate New Vauxhall Astra with... balloons! My brother, Ian, celebrated his 18th by trying to get seriously drunk, and having a bit of a bender. By 1015pm, he'd thrown up and rung home for help. Light weight. I'm not good with my drink, but I've never been home that early!

Ian like's balloons. That's right, he REALLY LIKES balloons...

This week, certain... aspects of my brother have 'come out'. For starters, he drove down to Gun Wharf Quays, and spent £420 on clothes. Just clothes. Obviously this is a little suspect. Many of my friends asked if he was... batting for the other team. Later in the week, I went down stairs to find him watching TV. Watching Project Catwalk, on TV. Make your own decisions about that one...

Later on in the week, another small event happened. On Thursday 22nd February, 100 years of Scouting was celebrated. It was also my 20th Birthday. In recent years, I have begun to hate my birthday. Not because I am getting old, but because it is a reminder that I have spent yet another year alone, and that I am still clinically useless when it comes to women (but I definatly don't watch Project Catwalk if you get my drift). So, as usual, I tried to keep my birthday on the quiet. Unsuccessfully.

Pick a card, any card. Now that is alot of cards.

This year, my wonderful friends reminded that I may not be in a relationship, but I am most definatly not alone. We started off the day at Uni, and we were planting 300 trees to undo the carbon emmissions from our flight to Lanzarote. It was a soaking wet day, yet many of my friends didn't let me forget it was my birthday. I had handfuls of birthday cards, and a balloon! Previously, my friend Michael (who wrote this a blog a few weeks back) had given me a radio controlled Dukes of Hazzard car (with working sound effects).

Go Whistle Dixie - a model of the Dukes' 1969 Dodge Charger - with working light and sound!

Wow! I have never had such a great birthday in all my life. Honestly, I mean that. Thanks mostly to the efforts of my friend Holly (with the helium balloon). Of course (little did I know it), my day didn't end there. I had been invited to an Adventure Ed house party in the evening.

So, after work, at about 1030pm, I turned up to Kerry's house. Expecting a house party, I hadn't bothered changing. The party's theme was 'Stone age', and as Sainsbury's management ethos is from there, I saw no problems. Also, I was prepared for an hour and half's quick in, out, and home by half midnight. And then the door opened...

Happy 20th Andy! How did I not even remotely guess at this...

SUPRISE! How I hadn't even guessed at what I would see I don't know, but Kerry had organised a suprise birthday party in my honour, with many of my Adventure Ed friends there. I simply couldn't believe it. A suprise party for me? Unbelievable. But the most unbelievable chapter of my 20th Birhtday was, amazingly, yet to come.

Earlier on, when Holly had handed me my Birthday card, and balloon (all highly unexpected) she said to wait for the present that she got me. And she had said this with a very wry smile. I was understandably a little concerned. When the hipe of welcoming me to my own suprise party was over, Holly handed me my present. This is what the suspicious pink bag looked like:

The best things come in small packages? What about suspicious pink bags?

I opened the bag carefully, to find my present. Some of my older reader's may recognise the bag, or may even be able to make out the writing on the bag (all of which I had missed - well I'm innocent). Never before had I been completely speechless for so long. In the bag was... a red PVC thong from Ann Summers (an Adult Shop).

TO GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. I saw this and thought of you...

Holly had been at an Ann Summers party on Friday. She said she saw this item, and thought of me. Not many people know, but I am a bit of a fan of Star Trek (well quite a large fan). When Holly saw my bedroom, and my Star Trek books the other week (she was 'round looking at a Kayak), she had cottoned on to my like of Star Trek. Oh dear me...

Well, I don't get emotional very often, but that was truthfully the best birthday that I have ever had. Huge thanks go out to Holly and Kerry who put in alot of effort to make my day as special as it was, as well as to all my friends that helped me realise that I am not alone. Thanks guys, I really did appreciate it. Enough emotional rubbish. Back to normal next week, I promise.

Oh, and about that free drink. I just wanted to give as many people on Facebook a chance to read an edition of CATCOUK. Sorry, there is no free drink. You can see more photos from my birthday, as well as the final chapter in my trip to Lanzarote at CATCOUK2 (catcouk.bebo.com).

If you think I am sad, and really should get a life, why not leave a comment (or write on my Facebook wall) telling me to man up a bit.

If you'd like to see me in my new item of clothing (and it didn't cost me £420), why not leave a message, and say that you have a sick bucket near by. (For your information, I did take a photo, but it really was to bad to put anywhere near the public...)

Quote of the week: "If you havn't won, you've lost... basically." This from Xtreme Paul (XP for short), the man who blurted 'BIRMINGHAM!' when asked about where there might be a place with a 10m tide. Pillock.

Welcome back to Blighty!

Okay, so I've been back in jolly ol' Britain for a couple of weeks, but from a CATCOUK perspective, this is my first blog from England for a while. I must say, it's really nice to be back. And what a great week I've had:

Wednesday I took my new Kayak up the river Arun. Of course it had rained heavily the night before. And that morning. Oh yes, it had rained. And rained. And rained a bit more. So that little river Arun was very VERY high (the banks had broken in places), and the water was running like the Zambezi. I kind of decided that it wasn't a day for rolling and capsize drills, as the majority of the water was cow poo and wee, where it had washed off of the fields (it was a yummy colour).

That of course was when my lovely week ended. The radio in the car had been wrapped up in Brits hipe, and my day had generally been pretty good. But damn my friends if they aren't good at blowing my week apart. Louise text me, wishing me a 'Happy Valentines Day'. Thanks very much you cow!

Yes, Valentine's Day. The wonderful day in the year we people in a relationship are reminded to show their love for each other by buying cheap tacky cards, and even tackier presents. It also reminds single blokes like me what a depressingly lonely life I lead. So yes thanks Lou, appreciate it. What better way to complete this day from hell? Why go to Sainsbury's of course! But better than a usual night at work, we have a new stroppy supervisor. Yippee! 'I will have the last laugh' she said. 'There'll be no more slacking round here. I'll have you boys all multi-tasking from now on.' Brilliant. Well I do like a challenge, and she will be broken!

So I get home, relax with a can of coke, and watch the TV. Check my phone (I don't know why I don't learn), and Holly text me. 'Jibba Jabba [something about project work]. Oh and by the way, Happy Valentines!' ARGHHHHHHH...

Thursday morning, and this is usually a good day. Valentine's day has passed, and it is a beautiful (think the Truman Show) morning. Add to the fact that only two letters came in the post, and both were for me!!! HA HA! Things are looking up! The first letter is all about a meeting at Uni. And the second letter...

I should have known. I should have known. The second letter read (briefly): "Hello Mr. Clarke. Please give us £80. If you don't pay by Wednesday next week, we'll send some baliffs 'round, or take you to court (and not to buy beds)." Jolly good. Basically, these conmen want me to pay £80 because I parked in a private car park without clearly displaying a valid permit. Obviously most people would be pretty upset about this. However, the 'private car park' this company were talking about was at the University of Chichester. I have a valid permit for my Uni!

When I tried to phone them, it got a damned computer preaching to me. 'If your parking ticket has a barcode on it, dial 1. If your ticket is hand-written, dial 2.' Well I never got a parking ticket, and there was no third option. I went to Uni, and they have no contact details for this cowboy operation. Brilliant. Just bloomin' brilliant!

Holly suggested I go to court. She said it's fun. Well, she said the same about alcohol, and that wasn't fun. So I am now trying to contest a parking ticket I never got. All communication has to be by post, and with Royal Mail, that could take 4, 5, 6... years. So, I'm probably going to court, for a crime I don't think I committed. Michael - you couldn't put that team together again could you?

Well, on that note, it's time for bed. If I havn't been arrested by this time next week, I'm sure I'll give you an update.

If you've got £80 to get rid of, why not phone County Parking Enforcement Agency Ltd., and quote reference number CP00261068.

If you work for County Parking Enforcement Agency Ltd., please please PLEASE get in contact. I don't want to go to court.

Quote of the week: 'I didn't realise you were such a geek' said Holly, admiring the size of my... Star Trek book collection.

A brief note (which will make a nice change)

I have added a new video to CATCOUK2. It is the Lanzarote Job, and is supposed to be like the intro to the Italian Job. Well, I did my best to put the background music in. If you strain your ears, you can just hear Matt Munro, 'On Days Like These...'. Thanks to Hannah for recording it, and thanks to Lanzarote's transport people for building such a fun road!

See the new video at catcouk.bebo.com.

Now onto this week's post...

And it all went down hill from there

Thursday morning rolled around, and we had now completed our first week in Lanzarote. I was up early that morning so that I could see the lecturers off, and some new friends from the Science Teaching course. Well, I had to make sure they all got on the plane! Holly also joined me that morning, and we all went to the airport. Holly needed to pick up her 200 Euro hire car (a Ford Focus or equivalent). I make a note of how much she paid for her hire car, as I too was due to pick up a car later on in the day.

Anyways, Holly met the 'rep' from the company. Unlike all of the other companies (Avis, National... etc), this company didn't have a desk. We had to meet the rep, who then took us into the car park. It all seemed pretty dodgy to me. In fact I was ready for the woman to pull a gun on us, and demand all our money! In the end, we picked up Holly's Ford Focus or Equivalent (in this case, it was the Equivalent - a Kia Cerrato), and sped out the Airport. Not becuase we feared the gun-toting rep, but because Holly is a mad driver. I didn't make the mistake of sitting in the front of her car again that week (far safer in the back...).

As I said, I was also due to pick up my own hire car. I had searched far and wide to find a dodgy bloke that would lend me a car (as you have to be over 21 to hire a car, and I'm only 19), and I had found 'Montanas y Cars'! The office of this place was a basement underneath a restaraunt (already sounds dodgy), and as I went down the steps, I'll admit I though 'Oh my goodness, I'm going to get mugged and raped...' Of course no one would want to rape me, I'm far too ugly.

Sure enough, in the office, was Michael (no not Michael who had previously broken me out of jail) a German with interesting facial hair. Now I wouldn't say that it wasn't above board, but I'm too young (and he knew this), and he never asked to see my paper driving license (which again is a legal requirement). 100 Euros later, and I was the proud renter of my very own Opel Corsa - Carlos the Corsa! White (shows the rust) 5-door, with colour coded bumpers! When Michael had handed me the keys, he had said to me (please imagine this is a Russian accent - it makes him sound more dodgy) 'It is an old car. Has many, many scratches. If you scratch it - do not worry!' On the outside the car actually looked pretty neat (see CATCOUK2 for pictures), but the inside was sandy, muddy, and a complete tip! Lovely. Well the car went and the radio worked. What more could I want?

For the rest of the week, I drove people around (for petrol money) which was great! I love driving, and I didn't have to plan anything all week! At this point I have to apologise. When I set petrol prices, I failed to take into account Lanzarote's petrol prices (which were half UK prices). I had never meant to make a profit, but in the first week I spent 100E, whilst in the second week, I only spent 20E. Sorry.

Bearing in mind that I paid half of what Holly had paid for her two week old Kia (which, despite being a Kia, was lovely), my car was still great! It had a revolutionary air conditioning system that allowed air (and a hand) in through the top of the drivers door, whilst fully closed! It was great for those hot sunny days. Less funny during the tropical rain storm though (yes, it did happen). Of course, not having driven for a week, Carlos felt fast! That was until I got back to Blighty, and drove Ernie again, and realised my 1986 Escort was a Formula 1 car!

Many of my friends suggested I 'rag' poor old Carlos the Corsa (that is to say throw it around). But I kept telling them that if I loved a car, it would love me back (and not breakdown) - and this car needed ALOT of love! So much so, that when we went surfing on Friday, I took some time to clean thge inside of the car with 'Multi Usos' spray. But of course by the end of the week, I was doing handbrake turns (my first ever I add), and I was redlining the rev counter. Alot.

Side line story: Batman (or Simon if you must), Thom, and Guy decided to rebuild their room, and make a fort (like we used to when we were kids and bored). Again, see CATCOUK2 for photos! That night was a rave, and many people went to bed around 6/7am. When Thom woke up in the afternoon, stark naked face down on the floor, he found a pile of neatly pressed towels next to him. Yes that's right! The cleaner had been in. I'd have paid good money to see her face when she opened up to find their 'Fortress', and Thom on the floor!

Sunday night, many people were feeling (understandably) delicate from the night before. Holly and Kat had booked out a TV, and we saw on the Sky News headlines that Top Gear had screen the Richard Hammond crash! We'd all forgotten. Panic soon spread around the group. But fortunatly my Mum had remembered, and got my brother to record it. We all relaxed, didn't bother getting the repeat on Tuesday recorded, as we had a recording. Little did I know that my brother was incapable of using a video recorded, for when I got back, I found that my retard of a brother had, instead of recording an hour of Top Gear, recorded an hour of static - on the wrong chuffin' channel! What an idiot. (Thank goodness for BBC3!)

Monday night was Karaoke, and I had been challenged to drink 5 bottles of Cider (Strongbow). Yes, by 12 o'clock, several badly sung songs later - I was drunk! For the first time in my life. I only drank 1 ltr of 5.2% Strongbow in 2 hours, but when you think I don't drink, that's not bad. When I got to bed, and rested my head on my pillow (yes my pillow, on my own - unfortunatly, but I didn't want any funky Spanish diseases) the room span! Wahay! I slept well that night.

Well, I couldn't really finish this post, with out a little 'Holiday 2007' message to all of you. NEVER TRAVEL WITH FIRST CHOICE AIRWAYS - THEY'RE CONNING SO AND SO's. On the way out to Lanzarote, we had 20kg for baggage. On the way back, they felt it necessary to reduce this to 15. But we could buy extra kilos for 9Euros each! Obviously everyone panicked. I ended up taking loads of stuff out of my bag, and clipping it, hanging it, stuffing it on the inside of my jacket. Hence the final pictures on my Bebo. I even had a cheese and ham sandwich under my sombrero!

Before I get done for liable, no one was charged in the end. Sensible really, as they had 30 very unhappy students breathing fire down their necks! But it did cause alot of stress. I had three trainers full of stuff in my bag from someone else (that I nearly forgot to give back at Gatwick). Other people were taking wetsuits, clothes, first aid kits - you name it.

Normal service resumes next week. Don't forget to keep looking at CATCOUK2 for my holiday snaps. I will be adding them over the week, so if they're not all there now, please check back later in the week.

If you think that I should of wasted my hire car, and that my driving is girly, why not leave me a comment suggesting that I paint my car pink.

If you think that I was right to treat my car with some respect (well, for most of the week), why not leave me a comment telling me that you drive an older car too.

Quote of the week: 'Look Holly! My boobs are almost as big as yours!' blurted a drunken Maz with ballons down her top.

Guess who's back...

It's been a long two weeks, but I have finally returned from gruelling University work in La-la-Lanzarote. First off, I need to thank Michael and Ian for taking care of y'all these past few weeks. I managed to escape the Spanish law, and return home with my gummi bears!

I know have a great problem, in as much as I have no idea how to express the last two weeks so that you can all appreciate it as much as I did. But why change the format of a life time. I'll start off by complaining, and how even on a good day, a giant seagull in the sky can still poo poo on me from high!

Thursday 18th January, 4.30 am. It is a cold wet, overcast dark morning at Gatwick's North terminal. Having never travelled by air before (that's right, I was a plane virgin - no, I'd never flown with Virgin either), I had no idea what was going on. I got a boarding card, and started heading through security.

After being molested by an old bloke looking for my metal belt buckle, and having my new can of deoderant taken, I wondered through expecting to see the delights of the 'duty free'. Of course it's now 5am, and nothing is open. Even worse, is that we are all told that the breakfasts we had booked on the plane had been lost at the travel agents, and we wouldn't get fed.

Lovely. I then spent my first flight feeling very sick (you know that sort of sck that you get when you know you should have eaten breakfast). But I have nearly forgotten to mention my first take off. Only 4 or 5 planes departed out of Gatwick that morning. The weather forced most other flights up until about 4pm to be grounded. So we took off in some very bad weather. But I knew no difference. The plane rotated back for take off, and when it dropped suddenly (like a roller coaster), I thought nothing of it. Well, that was until one of my friends started screaming and hyperventilating. The plane (and Airbus A321) kept rising and falling all the way through take off for a couple of minutes, and then it was fairly smooth for the next eye-gougingly boring 4 hours. Afterwards I discovered that was the roughest take-off my friends had ever experienced!

We eventually rolled up to the hotel at 10.30am (UK time is the same as Lanzarote time). After the stress of the flight, all I wanted was a sandwich, and to chill out in my room. Unfortunatly, they were cleaning our room. I went back at noon (like the hotel asked) to get the key, and they were still cleaning! Our room was the last to be prepared, and we eventually were allowed in at 3pm! There are reasons why I hate going on holiday.

Anyways, after Thursdays, everything else was pretty good. By Saturday night though, there was bound to be something else. Our lecturers took us on a trip through a lava tube (or cave if you prefer). The cave was 3 km long, and three groups were going to walk through it. The bus dropped off one group at one end, and then took us other two groups to the far end. Manuel (the driver) would then wait there for the first group, and then drive round and meet us at the bottom. Simple plan? You would have thought so wouldn't you.

We emmerged from the cave 2 hours later, and went to the road to meet the bus. The bus wasn't there, but that was to be expected, the other group might be a bit slower than us. After 45 minutes, in the dark, and now cold evening, things were starting to get less funny. Complaints and questions were being asked of Manuel. We tried to phone the lecturer with the first group, but with no luck. Where was the bus and the other group. Had the bus driver given up on us, and gone home? Had the bus broken down? Had Manuel forgotten about us?

No. We walked along the road to get back to the drop off point. Manuel and the bus were still there, with the engine running, but no sign of the other group! We were just thinking of a search party, when half the group appeared. Apparently one of the lecturers had had some problems, and they were slowing the group down. An hour and a half after we left the lava tube, we eventually left for Carlos' ranch, where we would spend the night.

And there is where my quote of the week comes. As many of my friends will know, I have a very distinctive shirt that I sleep in when I am away. For those of you that don't know, it has the front cover of a hard core porn magazine printed on it. I walked to the loo, when I passed Holly (having a cigarette at the time - give 'em up!). She took one look at my shirt, and blurted out (here it comes):

"Andy, I didn't know you liked naked women!"

Now, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that comment. Was it because I had been her friend for a year, and never made a pass at her? Did she think I was gay? Who knows. I havn't got a clue. I spent the rest of the time in Lanzarote making blue jokes (mainly because I wasn't making them, or hearing them around other NTC officers - Stuart Ginnaw!).

The next day, we travelled to a small island off the North coast of Lanzarote - La Graciosa. For the morning, we hired just about every mountain bike the island has. They were the best mountain bikes that money could hire. On La Graciosa. Needless to say, they were pretty... er... substandard. I had a pretty good bike (compared to others). Saying that though, my back brake didn't work, it was very uncomfortable, and I spent the next 48 hours sitting down very carefully. Afterwards, it felt like I had spent a very drunk weekend in Brighton - you know what I mean. It was also a girl's bike. Thanks for the hire of your helmet though Holly, greatly appreciated!

The rest of the week, we spent doing research, leading up to a 10 minute presentation that I gave at the end of the week. That formed 50% of the mark for this module. At the end of the week, the lecturer's held a quiz (on the night before they flew home). I think they tried to rig the quiz, so that we would get a question right, and then they'd get one right (and so on). They could then run an outlandish tie-break question at the end, which we could win. They of course hadn't figured that I am just as boring as some of the lecturers. I knew how much a coke at the bar cost (2 euros 50). The quiz ended 7 - 2.

Well that's it. This had to be a two-parter. You can see photos from my trip (with Captions) on CATCOUK2 at my Bebo. More photos will get added throughout the week, so keep checking. I also have a video that will get added.

If you think I'm boring, and you'd like to read Michael or Ian every week, you could leave a comment telling me that you hate me, but to be honest, you could just read their blogs: arethosemyfeet.blogspot.com (Mike) / the-mighty-oak.blogspot.com (Ian).

If you're glad to have me back, why not leave comments on Mike and Ian's blogs (but I'd really rather you didn't, as they did a good job whilst I was away).

Quote of the week: Andy! I didn't know you liked naked women!
Song of the month: Mika - Grace Kelly - also current No. 1.

DEDICATED TO EILEEN FAWCETT

A dedicated member of Lancing & Sompting Lions Club, died last week from Cancer.

Poor Kitty! - A suitably Clarke/Cat based post

This week, I Partatio Basin took part in an Ahh... Bisto night and also happened to go to a housewarming of a good friend in Hastings... All went well, although her cat managed to drink some speckled hen and apparently started seeing things.

Anyhoo I saw this....

What a random picture, is it meant to show that now, due to eating "Asda? Complete with chicken, turky and calcium' the cat could now withstand being pelted unsuspectingly with biscuits and a bowel...? It occured to me, in a flash that maybe the image should be accompanied with the slogan "Have you been injured at work?"....

"I was doing a shoot for my new food range when I was savagely crushed by my own bowl... Now I can eat nothing but slush and my back legs have been replaced by wheels..."

"Tiger recieved four whole tins of kitty cat and a reverse parking sensor, with nothing taken from what he was a awarded!"

Result.

So endeth the insight to the mind of Partario P. Basin.

Someone please unlock the door and let me out!

Still here

Not much to report. Conjunctivitis was confirmed by nursey earlier today, now have prescription for eye drops and am really looking forward to a few days of scraping the gunk off my eyelids (and anyone who's suffered from it should know what I mean).

So whilst I am bored silly at work, thought I'd highlight a few things... if you missed Top Gear last night... then WHY???? Anyway, you can see the Hamster's jetcar crash here , click on the link on the right hand side.

And finally, I'm no expert, but I think mother needs to watch what she eats during pregnancy, those spinach tablets had an effect on Junior:

Come back Andy Clarke, all is forgiven (he makes this stuff look easy!).

What am I doing here?!

Apologies about the delay from the standard publishing time of Sunday evening, but I was far too busy watching Top Gear (8 escorts out of five, by the way) and plucking my own nostril hairs to sit down in front of a computer.

Actually I lie, whilst I did watch Top Gear I had actually forgotten Andy's sign in details for his blog account, and my (newer version) of blogger didn't want to accept Andy's invitation to join Catcouk, so I was a bit stuffed really.

Whether or not I spent time plucking my own nostril hairs I shall leave to your imagination.

Well, so here I am, in the strange world of Andy Clarke.

Scary place this, you wouldn't want to come here too often. It's like the slightly strange Uncle that you only see twice a year, and who usually sits in the corner, occasionally making brief unremarkable conversation with various family members who pluck up the courage to approach him.

But anyhow, I digress. I have to say that Michael's story was superb last week, makes me wish I had gone first (Mr Tyler). Also, I was on an Archery Instructors Course for all of last weekend, and could have entertained everyone with the various stories and tales emanating from that (including one of the girl's asking us why we we didn't like her strap on.....), but sadly not only do I have to have to think of something to write about after having a very quiet (and pleasant) weekend to myself doing very little, but I also have to try and reach the new levels of high quality writing set by Michael.

I fear I am doomed before I begin. Come back Mr Clarke, all is forgiven!

I think I shall have to resort to desperate measures (whilst avoiding videos of myself for fear of humiliation, Mr Clarke), and write again later, when something actually mildly exciting happens. Considering that i am at work (software company, yawn!), I think it may only get as exciting as my doctors appointment for possible bacterial conjunctivitis , it may not get exciting anytime soon..... Stay tuned (if you're that desperate)

Ian

Open Channel D...

Location: Lanzarote...
Intl. Grid ref: 4U 2P WC...

Code: D...

Message: I send this report over coded frequency. Me and Ernie are safe and well. The few University friends that know where I am are helping me develop a plan to exhonerate me. I must go. I may have been discovered...

END OF MESSAGE

All Change Please. FREE ANDY CLARKE CAMPAIGN

Firstly, let me apologise for spelling and grammar, it is a cruel mix of several Whisky's and Dyslexia/Dyspraxia.

Well, it has been a whole week now since Andy last posted and you like me are probably wondering how Andrew is doing in Lanzerote right now... So I decided to a little digging of my own and after turning up at Andrews Angmering Base, I noticed that Ernie, His trusty, perhaps slightly rust Escort mkiv had disapeared from its moorings outside the Clarke mansion.... Ah I thought, perhaps it is hidden away in the Catcave, (slightly Batman esque) but no, Catman andthe Catmobile are similarly gone.... but where could they be?

My mind turned suddenly to that of the Catcouk blog, of course he is in Lanzarote, but whats this, somehow, someway he has managed to get Ernie over seas to fuel his foreign escapades.... according to my sources over seas Andy and Earnie were last seen here.

Disaster Struck however when shortly after landing on the island (lets say about an hour and thirty-eight minutes) he was stopped by an angry looking police roadblock. Flagging him down, they ordered him out of the car to the side of the road, after searching the car over, they discovered an exuberant quanitity of Gummy Bears, lodged into the carpet of his beloved Ford... After removing the offending articles, further discoveries were made, a Puff pastry, complete with British Stamp and addressed to Freda Vonhund, Belgium (allegedly by Michael G and D. Wales) stashed to the underside of the driver seat. The quantity of sweet tasty goodness attached to Ernie had landed Andrew in hot water. After a frantic plea by the group leader and to the shock of students following on a mini-bus, Andy was seized by the police and arrested for "Smuggling illegal and illicit produce into the island of Lanzarote".

This picture was sent to me by a concerned witness (via camera phone) and is the last shot we have of Andrew as he was led to the police car and sped away to the location below.

Here the information becomes sketchy at best. All I know from sources inside, is that he was subjected to Tea AND Biscuits, before being offered a full cavity. Maybe I got that the wrong way around. Either way, he was in jail for a crime he didnt commit and there is no way I would stand for that.

I assembled the finest team available; David Mc Phee, Bob Saget and I. I began by ringing the island police station, to confirm Andrews whereabouts. I recieved an angry reply down the phone, in an language I couldn't understand. So I dropped a name, his name. 'Clarke' their was a gasp, some frantic stutering and the line went dead.... after prank calling several times (angers up the blood you see) I heard words that sounded familiar.... "You Little S**T!" "Ah Ha!" I cried, "So you do speak English!" The line went dead again.... I called, the nineth time. This time, he spoke, "Hullo, hullo. English man in prison. will not comment. only sing 80's theme tunes."

I knew it was him. After three bottles of bob and a bitter shandy we sped via bus to Gatwick, there after being subjected to the ritual humiliation of gerning whilst a passport guy holdsup your picture, we were rushed to a plane. Destination Lanzarote!

Here I can see posing on the phone for a photograph, at the departure boards...

As I munched my way through what had once been an Egg and Cress sandwich, my mind wondered again to the blonde in the seat infront, then back to the question, "how can something be 'new' and 'improved' surely its one or the other. Then with a start my mind turned to cornflakes.... How can people be so careless, all over my shoe..... But this gave me a plan.

Looking out through the window I could see the sun, over Lanzarote, I needed a plan. A good one, not just a "Hmm, I'll google 'friend imprisoned for smuggling release' plan. But a decent one. Upon landing I rushed for a phone. "Please let Andy out!" "No." "Please" "No." "Go on, you know you want to." "No, I told you the first time, No!"

Right, diplomacy had failed, so had prank calling it was time for something drastic. something incredible....

Saget and I arrived at the police station, faintly in the breeze I could hear a familiar tune being whistled... Of course! We grouped together, "Mc Phee, I need a flight suit fake mostash fast, Sadget, power tools, piping, a dustbin lid, a tractor, string, superglue, gaffer tape, corrigated iron, black spray paint and Mr. T." Andrew had seen enough of the A Team to know, yeah, it might just work...

Posing as a bakery delivery driver, I grabbed the nearest vehicle I could find, a tray of pasties and a floppy hat...

I sped towards the jail, it was a matter of timing. Lunchtime, perfect. I had to get in there. I strolled up to the desk.... "Pies, sir, pies sir." It worked, he openned the door and led me down the hall to the cells. Below is a survailance photo from a hidden camera, Andy, on the end cell on the left.

Attatched to his pasty was a piece of paper and a moustache, "Courtyard, excerise time 50 star jumps and be ready..." I pushed my finger to my lips and tried to avoid his startled gaze... I really don't wear hats well. We were set. With the exception of Mr T, Mc Phee had got it all. The courtyard was quiet, the police sedated by the taste of warm cornish pasty, bringing on an early knap.... burrowing under the wall, we pushed parts through and began to build, sadly of this I have few pictures. We worked hard, thirty whole minutes, cutting, sticking and gluing it was done. Finished.

Andrew took a step back, and donned his Moustach and flight gear. Time to go. Taking a seat, he pulled the throttle back and with a splutter he spat excess hair from his mouth and press the start button.

With a roar he was off, airbourne, alarms sounding, we were now cleanly away and heading for the van, springing 'Earnie' from the compound we made a dash north, he would only have enough fuel for a short hop to safety. Earnie didn't let us down, tracking him Via Gps, we stashed Earnie safely nearby, devoid of all evidence and after a good hoover.

Here our story ends, Andrew sprung from jail, but a wanted man with Earnie hiding between the warm mountains and a flight for us back home in time for tea and medals. There is a moral. Several. Smuggling is bad, inadvertant or otherwise. You can always rely on your mates to help you out (not always of jail). Gummy Bears are illegal in certain countries. If you are stuck, if nobody else can help, you can always call, on dodgy 80's television to help you out (and for andrew to hum the tune). And finally, in-flight egg and cress sandwiches are not a good idea, nor is Several whisky's and blogger.

How will Andy's adverntures continue? we shall have to find out on his return.

Until then.

Toodle Pip,

Partario.

Wooden Acting

Those of you that know me, will be aware that this will be my last post for a few weeks. On Thursday next week, I go back to Uni. At 3.30am in the morning. To catch a plane to Lanzarote!!! Woohoo! What for?!?!? I hear you all cry. Well for the first week, we will be doing environmental studies (Oh look, there's a Volcano...). In the second week, the lecturers go home, and we all... er... are allowed to do what we like.

But that is next week. Sunshine, temperatures in the mid 20s (centigrade), and generally better weather than Britain! Onto this week. Again, another fairly slow week, with me watching re-runs of Scrubs, Diagnosis Murder, and other assorted TV gems. This was also the week that NTC started back up! Hooray!! At last some jobs to keep me busy...

On Tuesday, my master-carpenter-wannabe brother asked me to help him repair a door at our Nan's house. The door that he and dad had installed 6 months ago. So well installed, that the door was now sticking. Well I say sticking, when I mean that it was impossible to close the door! The letterbox was also leaking rain water...

I confess, I don't know an awful lot about woodwork, so Ian (brother) loaded up the tools that he wanted to complete the job. He decided to take his car, and go seperatly from me, so that he could buy a letter box cover (to replace the unwanted leaky letterbox). This wasn't a problem, as I had a few things I wanted to do myself.

I arrived before Ian, so I opened up, and awaited him to arrive. Eventually, Ian rolled up twenty minutes later with his 'letter box cover'. We went straight out to the offending door, when master-carpenter Ian said just this 'Ahh.' He looked at the letterbox, then looked at me, and asked if I had a screwdriver, as he forgot to pack one. Fortunatly I did have a screwdriver in my car (equipped with everything is my car), and I started taking apart the letterbox.

Ian then began to attack the door with a large file. For those of you that don't know, that isn't the choice weapon of the master carpenter for this job. I gave him a questioning look. 'Oh, I couldn't be bothered to find the wood plane'. I took the old letter box out, and asked for the letter box cover. Ian brought over this article that, I'll admit, first glance looked like exactly the right thing. Then I held it my hands, and it felt exceptionally light for cast iron, but far too light to be plastic.

I read the box, and my fears were confirmed. Ian had bought a porcelain finger plate (the thing that gets screwed onto a door to push it open). I told Ian this, and his expert suggestion was to 'screw it on anyway'. Brilliant. The porcelain bit might have done the job, but I'm pretty sure the meant-for-indoors screws that were supplied would rust pretty quickly, and rot the wooden door from the inside.

So lets recap. Our master-carpenter has so far managed to forget to bring the right tools, bring completely the wrong tools, and suggest we fit a completely inappropriate fitting. This is the sort of thing that we hear about on programs like Watchdog, and Rogue Traders. After a sulk, and a hissing fit at me, Ian eventually accepts my lowly advice, and goes back to the shop and gets the right thing.

Honestly, I don't know about Master Carpenter. The closest he's going to get to chippy, is by working at Wong's deep fry!

Well that's it from me for a while. I'll be back in three weeks, but until then, you'll be looked after some good friends of mine: Ian Emery, writer of TS Sturdy's 'The Mighty Oak'; and radio star from Southern FM, Michael Gates! Be nice to them, and leave them some nice comments.

Until we meet again...

If you're looking forward to someone else taking over my blog, why not leave a message asking that I stay in Lanzarote, starting your comment with the word 'lost'.

If you don't want me to go, why not leave a comment telling me how much you like my blog, starting your message with the word 'illiterate'.

We've hit a rocky patch

Hello once again. You join me at the end of a very long week. With very little to do (no University, no NTC, and [ha ha] no overtime at Sainsbury's) I have been sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Of course there is plenty of overtime going at Sainsbury's, but my response to that the last time I was asked was: 'Actually, I'd rather you drilled an extra hole in my head with a blunt drill...'. I've said it before, and I will say it again, Sainsbury's drives me flammin' BONKERS!

So anyway, all week I have been destroying my mind by dusting off my playstation, and playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (probably inspired by Rob and Alice's Sega last weekend). Although I'm not a fan of all of the law breaking going on, I never fail to be impressed by the amount of work that must have gone on to produce the game. Three cities, stunning countryside views, and so much going on. But I digress...

This week, not having much to talk about other than how much I hate being a checkout operator, and the amazing excitement of a playstation 2, I pulled this out of my reserve draw. A few weeks back, you may remember I visited Rob in his Penthouse (for the first time). On our jaunt out on Sunday, we saw a large set of steps leading up through Crystal Palace Park. And that shouted only one thing to me.

ROCKY!

It's especially good timing, as the New Rocky Barboa film is in the process of being released around about now. I know nothing about Rocky (having never seen any of the movies - they make me feel fat, I mean fatter), but the one thing I have picked up (other than the fact that Rocly is a boxer), is that he ran up some steps. So this is my take on it.

You can see my Rocky video on my Bebo: catcouk.bebo.com.

Also, in my efforts to keep this an entertaining blog, I also did some entertainment work. I recently purchased the new 'Dukes of Hazzard' movie on DVD, for the pricely sum of £3.35 (okay so working for Sainsbury's does have some advantages). Anyways, I liked the old shows (yes another old TV show that I enjoy), and I was ready for a disappoinment (like Starsky & Hutch). Yet I was amazed. What a great movie, what a great car, and yes, what a great looking woman!

But the all important rating that everyone wants to know. Forget Jonathen Ross, or other film reviews, it's the all important CATCOUK Escort scale:

The 'New' Dukes of Hazzard movies scores (imagine a drum roll if you please)...

4.5 Escorts out of 5!
A great movie, and must see for any fans of the old show, and fans of cars, and any fans of women. I would say that this movie is a grown up version of the TV show - definatly not one to show the kids.

That's all folks. See you next week!

If you think that I'm weird for liking old TV shows, why not leave a comment starting your message with the word 'geek'.

If you liked my Rocky film, why not leave a comment starting your message with the word 'idiot'.

A Day Late, but HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year! I spent this year's New Year's Eve away from home (hence no blog), and I was once again in a top London apartment with Rob, and this time with his fiance Alice. We had thought about going into London, to watch the fireworks at the Millennium Eye. Unfortunatly, we had just been outside, and none of us had brought Scuba Diving gear with us. So with the rain being what it was, we decided to stay in Rob and Alice's penthouse instead.

The evening was going swell, until it turned into a scene from blazing saddles. After all the fizzy drinks, and build of gas, it was inevitable. Farts left, right and centre. As the picture below quite clearly illustrates, we very nearly had to dial 999 with a build up of toxic gas.

Strong winds hamper New Years celebrations...

As the evening progressed, and we recovered from the effects of a gas attack, we had to move on to entertaining ourselves. For more than an hour, us crazy young people rebelled and played a risky game of... wait for it... pictionary! 70 fun minutes later, my team had lost the game, and our punishment was shots. Of course I don't really drink, so whilst my team mate went to the loo, we agreed to swap my shot for WATER! Drink up Jos...

To waste away the final hours of 2006, we played on Rob and Alice's Christmas present - a Sega Megadrive!!! (well a rip-off from Boots...). The grahics of Sonic the Hedgehog havn't changed in the 70 years since Sega first released the Megadrive, but that didn't deter us. By the end of the weekend, Rob and Scott had got quite into it (well Rob was swearing at the TV screen when Sonic started to drown).

SEGA! As video games go, it is ironically similar sounding to SAGA!

Lastly, you all need to know that for Christmas I got a large blue Penguin! Also, I have an I.O.U. for a tow bar for my car (wait with anticipation for the pictures later on).

P-P-P-Pick up a Penguin. Well you try and think of a Penguin related pun...

Well that's it from me. Hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas in Santa's sack, and I wish you all the very best of luck for 2007.

If you think I am strange for owning a large blue penguin, why not leave a comment, starting your message with 'Graham Norton'.

If you think that my penguin is cool, why not leave a comment telling me how cool it is.

But I don't have a girlfriend...

Merry Christmas to y'all! If you're reading this on Monday (ie Christmas Day) you need to get out more! But Merry Christmas to everyone anyway!

Before we get onto this week's feature, I thought that I would take the time to answer some of your comments.

Robert said...
Hey ClarkeFace, Where is the pic of me and Drum Roll please....... Sean Lock!! Nice to know you had a good weekend at mine... Although, Call me a amateur, some 23yr olds like a cup of horlicks and and early night, plus what you have to remember is you dont live with Alice!!!

I say...
Put your glasses on! The picture of Sean Lock, and Scott, you and I is at the bottom! And I would like to point out that you don't have to live with... er... my cat!

Me Again ! said...
Andy, you really must see someone about your sense of humour. Now you have to explain the title so we know what you are talking about. By the way, you didn't mention the advent calendar this week, have you got to the date where you get a degree behind the window !!!!!

I say...
Robbed - because we went to ROB's flat. Gettit? And as you should know, I've got a degree behind every window so far. I am know degreed in English, Maths, Scienece, Spelling, Advanced Thermoquantum Nuclear Dynamical systems, Sport and Exercise Science, Maths (Doctorate), and 17 other thingys...

Ian Emery said...
I heard about a bunch of nutters terrorising parts of London over the weekend, thought there had just been a breakout at a secure hospital until I read your post....! Glad to hear you had a good weekend, as you'll see, thankfully the NTC disco continued in the traditional way without most of it's core members: http://the-mighty-oak.blogspot.com. Looking forward to hearing your "12 days". Don't think I'll see you beforehand, so have a great Xmas mate. Best Yuletide Wishes Abdulla and the Christmas Camels www.ntc.org.uk/sturdy (1st birthday coming up!)

I say...
Firstly, that wasn't us. That was Al-Qaeda. And several months ago now... Secondly, all I saw on your blog, was YOU wearing MY YMCA hat. You're a marked man. Lastly, you did see me before Crimbo, I saw you this afternoon. RASP!

RobbieFrancis83 said...
RobbieFrancis83 @ BEBO RobbieFrancis83 @ BEBO RobbieFrancis83 @ BEBO RobbieFrancis83 @ BEBO RobbieFrancis83 @ BEBO To see Andy look a PRAT!!!!

I say...
Pillock. Your Bebo didn't work when I looked (well it did, but only when I signed in as your friend). If anyone wants to know what Rob is on about, wait a few weeks, and I'll tell you all about it!

babii-gurl said...
andy hi glad you had a great weekend at robs, most houses nd tht are quite nice up in london it depends what part of london you are in.and wheres the advent calender this week? im lookinhg forward to the 12 days of christmas thing it gonna be good i hope, i aint gonna listen to no rubbish andy lol. naomi xx

I say...
You can get a CAPITAL letter by using the SHIFT button! Advent Calender is now all eaten, and you can see what fun I had with it all on my Bebo. I hope you all enjoyed my Calender as much as I did (although I would have to very much doubt it...)

Wasn't that great. Audience interaction, what a wonderful tool.

Just before we get onto what you are all waiting for, I need to tell you that my car had a sore throat this week. Well, the exhaust blew, and right underneath my seat. Driving my car around has been like listening to a combination of cars. This week Ernie has been three cars for the price of a half a car! At idle, my car sounded a bit like a 1960's Jaguar E Type, but as soon as I pull away, or start to accelerate, my car magically turned into... the Trotter's three-wheeled van! At times, it was also possible to hear an undertone late 80's Ford Transit 2.0 diesel. Lovely. My friend Stuart also suggested that there was a bit of B52 Bomber in there as well.

But rest easy this Christmas, for me and my Dad have fixed Ernie (well the Exhaust anyway). The two parts of the exhaust had come apart, as we had to jack the car up, and tighten the exhaust bracket up. Now my car just sounds like the starship Enterprise! The rear wheel bearings have gone, so as I get faster, this thudding sound gets faster and louder. Just like some fusion reactor. Marvelous. Service around the corner then...

And onto this week's special feature! It's what you've all been waiting for...

A long time ago (about 2944 days ago), in a city far far away (unless you live in Brighton & Hove, in which case the city is very very close), lived a comedian, known only as 'Baldy', who ran a late night radio show (Sony Gold Award winner, beating Ricky Gervais amongst others) called Terry Garoghan's Last Bus to Whitehawk, began a Christmas tradition. In 2002, Terry was deemed too rude for Radio, so we pay tribute to Terry here, with (the longest intro ever, and)...

THE CATCOUK 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS... SPECIAL! (mp3)

Thanks to my brother for helping out. This was all done in one take as well. If you'd like to put this on loud speaker, and sing along with your family, around the Turkey roast, here are the words...

On the X day of Christmas, my girlfriend gave to me (although I don't have a girlfriend):

1st ...and a Ford Escort 1.4 GL
2nd ...2 scumbag students
3rd ...3 Cop Show videos
4th ...4 Marching Bands
5th ...5 Breakfast Radio Shows!
6th ...6 Nights out Drinking
7th ...7 Sainsbury's Trolleys
8th ...8 Courtesy Cars
9th ...9 Leaky Urinals
10th ...10 Broken Wrists
11th ...a Christmas Tree related Accident
12th ...CATCOUK.BLOGSPOT.COM

A Very Merry Christmas to you all from CATCOUK.

If you recieved a Christmas present this year, why not leave a comment and tell us all what you got.

If you didn't get a Christmas present this year, don't blame me. Sorry!

We were Robbed...

If there are any people out there that actually listen to what I say, then you may know that many posts ago, I said that I wouldn't be talking about football in this blog. So the title above is not related to any football match. It's not related to any sporting event in fact.

After a very, very, very dull week, my friend Scott and I were invited by our friend Rob (get the title?) to go and stay at his London penthouse for the weekend. Rob lives in an exclusive part of London called Penge with his girlfriend Alice. Alice had gone away for a week to visit her sister in Ireland, so 'while the cat's away - the mice will play'.

So, me and Scott loaded up the Mark IV, and Ernie took us up the A23 through Croydon, until we hit Penge. Mind you, we did take several... er... scenic detours! I'm sure there is a whole road missing somewhere up there. Anyways, we got to Rob's flat at 11.30pm. Rob lives on the top floor (where else would you find a penthouse?), and from his living room I could see my car (what better view could I ask for?).

Room with a view: I love my car, and it looks all shiny and nice - yes I cleaned it.

Okay, so by know you should have realised that I'm being sarcastic. Although I had visions of some grotty Souf London flat (think Nelson Mandela House [Only Fool and Horses]), Rob actually has a really nice place. Unusually for London, we only heard one siren over the whole stay at Rob's place, and as you can see from the photo above, my car left with the four wheels that we went with! To be honest, I'm very jealous.

Now, Rob can't drive, but for him that's not a problem - he get's driven everywhere! In his job, he often get's 'Chauffeur' driven to his meetings. Is he a CEO of a big London company? No of course not, but he is the boss' PA. So when he offered us a trip to Bromley, how could we resist. And of course we didn't drive. We took the number 227 bus! This is Rob's other mode of transport...

'Rob get's 'Chauffeur' driven everywhere: in this case, the Chauffeur was a London Transport Bus Driver...(Although I hope he wasn't as drunk as this photo was)

On Sunday, with Rob's unbelievably high pay, we walked to France! Below are some pictures that we took along the way. As it turns out, London is very close to France. We only had to take a 10 minute walk to see all these sights.

Le Tour Eiffel:That's how they say Eiffel Tower in France

Another racey picture: We even had time to see the Le Mans race track, but from quite a distance. Look at how small the car is...

The HEAD of state: No, I don't know either...

And when we got to the other side of France, guess what we found? Egypt!

The Sphinx: much small than I though it would be.

You're History!: Yes, this wonder of the world sure make you think - how did the Egyptians ever manage to build this?

Pyramid Company: Talking of the Pyramids, where are they?

Last but by no means least, I would like to point out that wearing his new £1000 glasses, Rob is a spitting image for that bloke off of 8 out of 10 cats (Channel 4). No, not Jimmy Carr, or Dave Spikey, that other guy that occasionally appears on QI or Mock the Week (BBC2). His name aside, here is a picture of Rob and... the other guy.

Spitting Image: Here is a picture of Sean Lock and that other guy... oh yeah, Rob. Sean Lock on the left, and Rob, Scott and I on the right...

All of the photos aside, it was a great weekend, although my friends just don't have the stamina any more! For me, Shieks (club in Bognor) was on Thursday night, so I eventually got into bed at 2.30am. Friday was a 3am bedtime, after we drove to London and caught up with the gossip. Saturday night, we watched a couple of films on DVD (after I endured the final of the Eggs Factor, oh I mean X Factor - I really hate that program). So that was a 3.30am. Rob and Scott (after sleeping their way through most of Mission Impossible III) went out like lights, and didn't wake up until 11am the next morning. Bearing in mind that this was my third late night on the trot, those two must be getting old. I didn't fall asleep until 4am, but I was awake by 9am. What can I say, Scott and Rob are amateurs!

I've had a long drawn out week, and a busy weekend, and now I would like some sleep. Watch out for next week's Christmas edition, which will be available from Christmas Day (or Christmas Eve if you're up trying to catch Father Christmas). I have a special CATCOUK version of the Twelve Days of Christmas in the pipeline ready for your listening pleasure.

Happy Christmas if you don't read up until then!

If you live in London, and hate me, why not leave me a message and tell me to keep out of London under penality of food poisening (I forgot to mention the garlic bread from Rob's local Pizza place - good Pizza though).

If you live in London, love me, and want to start a relationship, why not leave a comment starting with your message with the word 'Antidisestablishmentarianism' and leave your vital statistics, post code, and house number.

[Technical Note:In case you are gullible enough to believe that gullible is the only word mentioned in the Oxford dictionary twice (once under the letter 'gee', and again under the letted 'ged'), France and Egypt photographed in this post are actually differenr parts of Crystal Palace park.]

No Sardine tin for me this time!

I do pick some bizarre post titles, and as you can see, this week is no different. This week, I thought I would do my post in a very day by day manner:

Monday: I was driving to Uni, when I started practicing a song I'm preparing for a later post. Clearly my car, Ernie doesn't like my singing. As we drove through Arundel, my ears suddenly picked up this tapping coming from the engine. When you drive a 20 year old car, any sudden noises are a worry. In fact, I worry sometimes when I fart in the car...

So I pulled over, to see if the tapping noise was just a leaf or a twig or something. Who was I kidding? When the tapping was as metal sounding as that, no twig was going to be responsible. With no break-down cover, and being stuck in Arundel (where everyshop is either an antiques shop, a Sandwich shop, or Pegglers) I was left with very few options. I was in no mood for Sandwich eating, and I was already driving an antique, so I saw no point in staying put.

Instead, I drove my car at the slowest speed I have ever gone in my car, and limped to our Garage in Bognor (W. Jones). After half an hour (which is an age for my driving), I threw my self on the mercy of the garage. They're very good, and I can't promote them enough. Jason (the guy in charge) told one of his guys to leave what he was doing straigh away, and have a listen to my car.

The bloke came out, and said that it sounded like a Hydraulic Tappet had gone. I asked the bloke if it was okay to drive to Chi and back, and he gave that sort of 'Probably not, but you could so it' look, and said 'You'll wanna get that booked in sooner rather than later'. I booked the car in for 9am the next morning, and went to Uni. I didn't risk driving all the way home, so I git Dad to pick me up...

I did get a cool Advent Chocolate though. See my Bebo for more...

Tuesday: Dropped the car off, and picked up the courtesy car. The garage did say that they want to stop doing loan cars, as the last one they loaned caught fire and blew up! Right...

Certainly this is no Sardine tin: my 'nice' courtesy car.

But the car they gave me was in NO danger of that. This was the third courtesy car that I've had, and possibly the nicest. Nice in the way you might call an Aston Martin pleasant. Top of the range 2 litre Ford Focus. It went like shi... very fast. Walnut Dash (alright it was plastic, but it looked nice). Leather trim. And, unlike the last loan car I was given, this was no sardine tin! Michael, I know that you're jealous.

Yeah that's right, it's a Ghia: and I only stalled it three times in the seven hours I had it...

Check out that Walnut dash: Well plastic Walnut dash. Yes it did flex a bit, but it was good to look at.

But no time, to play with the courtesy car, I had an exam to sit. And again, possibly the nicest exam I have ever taken. Paul Tyler, you'd best look away now, because we all know much you think my course is easy. Well the exam was 2.5 hours long on Adventure Environments, and the questions weren't exactly easy. But the exam was open book (so you can read books, listen to MP3's and the like), and because of the subject, for some questions we had to get up and loom at a map, or play with a model.

Now, if that wasn't cushy enough, about half an hour in, they wheeled a trolley in. We were allowed to go to the trolley and get free tea, coffee, fruit juice, and JAFFA CAKES!!! What an exam!!

But what of my car? Last time the garage had my car, they had it for a week. With the courtesy car being as nice as it was, I was quite prepared for the same to happen again (or maybe even hoping...). But just seven hours after dropping my car off, I picked my car up. Ernie has a slight oil leak, and was just completely out of oil. Damn.

Wednesday: A nice long lie in, and then I did alot of revision in preperation for Thursday's Psychology exam. It was a brilliant day just to relax a little. Over the last few months, I havn't really stopped, so this made a nice change. Unfortunatly, I still had to go to Sainsbury's. Yip and indeed ee...

Thursday: After writing over 40 Christmas cards (and I'm still only half way there), I had to go and make sure my friends at Uni got them. And whilst I was at Uni, I thought I'd take a Psychology exam as well. None of us knew what the exam was going to be like. We were all particularly worried about the video analysis part... But of my attempt I can only say this: it was an exam well blagged...

Friday: I took Mum to do some Chritsmas shopping. That's right, I had time to do something other than Uni. It's all over!!! No more assignments. No more exams. No more lectures. For this year anyway. Of course this is th way of things to come.

Saturday/ Sunday: Nothing.

That's right, for the first time since May, I actually had a weekend with nothing on. At all. Not a sausage. Oh, I'm starting to sound like an Advert for Dyson. Well anyway, you get my point. I have been at home ALL weekend. No Uni, no NTC, no Lions, no nothing. I even took the time to wash my car. Again, probably for the first time since May...

Lastly, this week's Christmas gift to you all, is the long awaited video of my Karioke that we were all promised back in September. That's right, this week you can go to my Bebo, and watch a video of me singing Angels by Robbie Williams. Watch out for my subtle air guitar motion in the video...

Also, don't forget to watch out for my advent chocolate suprises. Yesterday, I got a Tardis. No chocolate though, so I do feel a little cheated. And the Tardis isn't even big enough for me to get in, so I can travel back in time, and buy another calendar! Although I have heard that it's much bigger on the inside than the outside...

An apple a day...: It may keep the doctor away, but I have his Tardis! Guess the doctor's smaller than I thought.

Have a good week y'all. See you back here at the same time next week!

If you think that my exams are too cushy, why not leave a comment, and tell me to get a real job, and stop dodging the taxes.

If you think that it's about time I had a weekend off, why not leave me a comment, and tell me that I should stop doing everything, and just stay at home the whole time slowly becomming a vegitable.

Yippee! It's essay time!

Contrary to recent comments, us Adventure Education students do occasionally have to put our Kayaks in the shed, hang up our climbing boots, and put the mountain bikes in for a service. And when this apocolyptic bi-annual event happens, another strange sighting can be made:

All the Adventure Ed students gathered in the Library!!!

Yes, all 30 second year Adventure Education students panicked this week, upon realising that we actually have to hand some assignments in next week. Motivation is a clear issue when completing assignments (Clarke, 2006) as looking for research, and compiling endless references is enough to make you grab two pencils, and jab your eyeballs out (Clarke and Emery, 2005)! As you can see, I just can't help but put those references in...

As I said, it's difficult to get motivated, especially when you are writing 1750 word essays on Risk Assesments. In fact, I started one essay on Monday, and it took until Thursday to complete the 1000 words!!! So as you can imagine, it's been a bit of a slow week. I've barely seen anyone all week, and those I have seen have been buried alive under a mountain of research books.

But this week's post is saved by the events of Friday. Does anybody know what Friday was? That's right kids, 1st of December!!!! And as everyone out there knows, that can mean only one thing. Yep - chocolate ADVENT CALENDAS!!!! So from now until... oh... lets say Christmas day, I'll be adding a photo of my Advent chocolate to a new photo album on my Bebo (catcouk.bebo.com). The first of our Christmas features here at CATCOUK (first of many), so that you can enjoy my chocolates as much as me. Well, you'll know what I've started my day with. As well as a bowl ogf coco-pops...

Fig 1. Doctor Who's advanced quantum mechanics advent calenda for those with degrees.

This year's Advent calenda is Bon Bon's DOCTOR WHO calendar (bought from J Sainsbury's Supermarkets Ltd). I would have to rate the chocolates at 7 out of 10. Okay, not as good as Cadbury's, but no where near as bad as Hershey's. The overall rating for the calenda is upped by the fact that is says you get goodies to play with (havn't got one yet though). But the rating is lowered by the fact that you have to have a degree in Advanced Quantum Mechanics to get the chocolate out! It's buried deep in the plastic holder... So, overall (after additions and reductions) let's say...

DOCTOR WHO SCORES.... (drum roll please)

6.1784964056 out of 10

Enough said!

Lastly, I need to set some of you straight. Many of you think that on the weekends all I do, is wear funny clothes, and hit a drum in a Marching Band. In fact, I actually wear women's clothes, and hang around in bars. No, I don't. I'll admit I have been doing alot with the band of late. This Saturday, we joined one of our sister ships (TS Sturdy) to lead the Chichester Candle procession to count down to the big switch on of the Chichester Christmas lights. My side drum had lights in and everything...

But I'm not banding EVERY weekend. Readers of my blog will know that last weekend I tried to give all my cadets pneumonia by having an afternoon of activities in the cold freezing rain. This weekend, as well as battling with padestrians to march up Chichester high street, I also attended my Mum's confirmation at Church. I'm sure it was very good, but as I was asleep for the hour and a half it lasted, I'm not entirely sure. Dad poked me every now and again to get an 'Amen' out of me...

Another successful blog well blogged I feel. Just enough time left to announce that January replacements have been selected. After literally THREE applications, it was a difficult decision to make, but my good friends Ian Emery and Michael Gates will be taking the CATCOUK helm, and keeping you entertained for the two weeks that I'm away for.

Thanks for reading again this week, lets see what little Christmas related suprise I have for you all next week. Just a quick reminder to you all, that as of Monday you have/ had just 19 shoplifting days until Christmas. Get misappropriating those Christmas presents today! (this is not encouragement to start steeling from shops. Don't steel kids, it's not cool)

If you hate Christmas, and would rather I stopped talking about it, why not leave a message saying how much you hate me, and the Little Donkey song (no Graham, I havn't forgotten).

If you like Christmas and think that I should start appearing in Karioke bars everywhere singing yule tide tunes, and spreading my words of joy... Deck the halls with bells of holly, fa la la la la, la la la larrrrrrrrr!

Thank you, I'm here all week.

References

Clarke, A. J. F. (2006). An interesting study into the theory and application of absolute bordom in the motivation of adventure eductaion students in 1750 word essays on risk assesments. The Journal of interesting studies into theories and applications of interesting topics, 2(3) 88-69.

Clarke, A., and Emery, I. (2005). How to commit suicide using basic office tools: a behavioural approach. Ireland: Gobshite Press Inc.