Less Top Gear, and more Reverse Gear

I need to start this week's post, with two statements. Firstly, I spend litterally seconds writing this bull every week, and not a single one of you beggars could spare a few ticks to leave a comment. Secondly, as I said last week, not everything gets into the blog, so don't moan at me when I miss something out. Holly. I won't say anything more.

Today (Sunday) has been quite stressful. Not just because still no one has left a comment on last week's post, but it was the Nautical Training Corps' National Band Colour & Fanfare Competition (Band Contest). This once again means me getting stressed making sure that we have everything, and even more stressed when our flippin' bandmaster turns up 20 minutes late (especially when it was the first time she had driven herself there...)!

But never mind. After 4 weeks of long practice, I knew what to expect. I am afraid to say that some of our cadets had a bad attitude this year. That's not to say all of them. Most of the newer cadets that haven't been in a contest before were brilliant. But (he said shaking his head) there was such a feeling of arrogance and cockiness this year. But how did we get on. Later on in the week, I'll post it on YouTube. Not that any of you will bother to comment on it.

As I said earlier, and in my last post, not everything makes it in CACTCOUK. So Holly, when we have lunch, and I don't mention it, don't get all uppety the next time we have lunch. Especially when you hadn't read my statement from last week. So, just for that, I'm not going to mention that we had lunch on Friday from this week either... After all, you didn't even make a comment.

Damn. I think I mentioned it there didn't I?

But what of my interesting and mystic title this week. Well, firstly an apology. Because of today's events, this is a conveniently short post. I don't apologise for this, but I do apologise for the post's replacement. This week, at 1614 on Monday 22nd October 2007, my 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL Estate in champagne gold (Ernie the Escort), hit, for the first time, 100 thousand miles. The original car owners must have thought this impossible, as they didn't leave enough digits on the odometer (clock that counts the miles). At 100 thousand, the car 'went around the clock' back to 00000. Maybe you have a similar car, and would like to comment on this?

To celebrate this momentus fact, I have produced a small video, in something of a Top Gear style. And this is where the apology comes: you're going to need a free 9 minutes. Well, it's a big thing, and I feel that Ernie deserves it. So I challenge you to watch it, and celebrate with us. Although, as most of my readers are too lasy to leave a comment, I suppose clicking here or on the link below would be too much effort too. Not that I mind that much this time. After just 5 days on YouTube, my video has had 95 views (mainly Escort buffs)!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBWyF8sH-34

So I challenge you to watch histort in action. And maybe, if your a member on YouTube, you might think about leaving a comment...

So that's it from me this week. Except to say, in the briefest of possible fashions, that the multi-award winning marching band of TS Intrepid NTC, won... nothing. Well, not quite true. Our Drum Major (person who stands at the front with a big stick) won best in her class. But not satisified with that, after just 4 weeks practice, our amazing drum major was judged to be the best on the day, also making her the best Drum Major in the Nautical Training Corps! Bloomin' well done! Also well done to TS Sturdy for winning there class, and to TS Implacable for coming joint second in the top class (both our sister ship doing well to keep our region up...).

And, in Top Gear fashion, on that Bombshell, it's time to end the show (well alright, post). Goodnight!

If you didn't like this post, why not leave a comment.

If you liked this post, why not leave a comment.

If you read this post, why not leave a comment.

If you drive a car, why not leave a comment.

If you walk alot, why not leave a comment.

If you are a man, why not leave a comment.

If you are a woman, why not leave a comment (and if your attractive, and aged 19-22, a phone number as well...).

Heck, if you a human being or an animal or just capable of mashing the keyboard with your hands, WHY NOT LEAVE A FRIGGIN' COMMENT!

I think I got away without over pushing the comment issue...

Quote of the Week: (Yes Holly, you made it) 'Popping in Shompy' said a mis-spoken Holly trying to describe her afternoon of planned events to go Shopping, in Pompey. I was going to put in a quote from the band contest, but oddly enough, after winning 0 trophies, TS Intrepid wasn't mentioned that much...

The week I tried to escape Man-Flu (and almost succeded)

We can all relax now. I know that you have all been on edge this week, with the grim news released last week. But it's okay, it's alright. The international emergency is over, and the Disasters Emergency Committee can stand down.

I AM NO LONGER ILL!

Thanks for the litterally... incalculable number of messages and E-mails wishing me well. And by incalculable, I mean... none. Thanks for the sympathy you bunch of....

So this week was mainly full of me being unwell. Fortunatly, it was nothing more than a horrible bug, no sickness or other. Just being bloomin' tired and feeling grotty. Having made all last weekend with my marching band, and managing to order them about for two days, I awoke Monday morning all ready to attack another day at school!

So I jump out of bed energectically 20 minutes early, rush down the stairs, and go straight to breakfast. After my bowl of Frosted Flakes (no Coco Pops, or Frosties at the moment) I rush back up stairs for a shower. Mum takes one look at me and says, 'It's a miracle, you're all better and ready for work!'

I then (for all intents and purposes) fall out of bed, and with a distinct lack of grace, speed down the stairs (although this time was far more to do with the force of gravity acting upon my body), and manage to get a bowl of Frosted Flakes going (still no Coco Pops or Frosties). I then valiantly struggle back up the stairs attempting to start my day's work, when Mum sees me. 'I don't think you should go to work today...'.

And so I moped around the house all Monday, feeling much better by the time I got to the evening. Despite feeling pretty grotty on Tuesday morning, I decided that I would feel better if I just kept going. So to school I did go. And felt very ill all day, having to pop some pills just after lunch to get rid of a horrid migrane. I drove home in a bit of daze, and park up nose first. This is always a sign of me feeling ill. I always park my car in, rear first, so that I can make a speedy get away from the house (handy if I'm running late, or someone should need my 70's cop skills...). But if my car is parked nose first, it means that I am too tired to even park Ernie up properly...

Tuesday evenings, I help my friends at TS Sturdy with their marching band. After a busy and painful day at school, I announced resolutly that I had to get out to Sturdy that evening (despite feeling about as good as my car does on a cold morning). And after falling asleep in bed watching TV at 4 (which again never happens - I hate sleeping during the day, I might be missing something exciting. Well to be honest I just hate sleeping), [After falling asleep at 4] and feeling like I was something brown and squishy on the bottom of someone's shoe, I text Graham, Sturdy's boss, that I couldn't make it. Sorry Graham, and TS Sturdy.

Wednesday was a little better, and by the time I reached Thursday, normak service had practically resumed. Except for a stuffed up nose that is. Every night this week, until Friday, I helped myself get better by getting an early night every night. My intention was to get to bed at 10, and then managed to get around to the business of falling asleep by 11. Which is still an early night for me.

With my illness fully documented, I move on to an important news point of the week. I can exclusively reveal (remember, you heard it here first, only on CATCOUK) exclusively, that Sunday 21st October 2007, saw the first officially cold morning of this Winter season. That's right boys and girls, my 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL Estate in Champagne Gold had it's first morning or not starting first time. After two very long attempts, we finally got ignition, but not before confirming this morning as our first officiall cold day. The first of many which I am sure are to come.

And that nicely brings me to the last topic for today. As I sit here now, my classic Mark IV Escort, Ernie as many of you will know him, is sitting in his parking space outside, with his odometre reading an amazing 99 991 miles. Very soon, possibly even whilst you are reading this, Ernie will do what many people have thought impossible. Certainly my car's original designers thought this was impossible (owing to the fact that the designers failed to give the Mark IV Escort, a sixth dial on the mileage reader - odometre to the informed). My car will achieve 100 thousand miles! No one thought it was possible (any to be fair, we haven't got there yet), but everything looks good, and by the end of Monday, my 21 year old car will have covered his 100 000th mile.

Now, the way I see it, as the clock resets to zero, I must be getting a new car. As Ernie goes 'around the clock', I'm guessing the power of magic will return my car to absolutly brand spanking new condition. But there's only one way to find out. Tune in next week, to CATCOUK.

Just like Columbo (if you know who he is), there's always one more thing to say. A few weeks ago I upset my friend Rob. A few weekends back, I neglected to mention that Rob bought us (Scott, Alice [Rob's girlfriend] and I) breakfast at Little Chef, and then we went looking for Buffalo which used to be kept near Arundel but weren't there. Let this be a lesson to you all - sometimes my exploits don't get put on here. Don't be offended, I just have to go to bed at some point on Sunday evenings. So apologies to Rob. Happy now?

Also, I feel it important to say, good TRI English Rugby Team, but hard luck. And, also good effort to Lewis Hamilton, but his chamionship hopes BROKE DOWN in the end (bloody good come back though).

If you think that I should spend more of my Sunday evenings, writing dribble that will only get one comment, why not be that person, and tell me to put more effort in.

If you would like to have more to read, and think that I should record everything that I do on a minute by minute basis, you are sad, and should not leave a message.

Quote of the Week: 'Ahh. You look worse.' The brilliance of a St. John's medic attending to a friend of mine that was quite ill this week at a gig. Get well soon.

CATCOUK 100

HOORAY! Welcome to the 100th CATCOUK post. To think that just a mere 18 months ago, I could do anything I liked on Sunday evenings, and you lot all had work to do during the week…Proof! 100 Posts long!

Well, we’ve finally made it. Honest, we have hit the magical 100 this time. To celebrate this fact, I am making a little montage of all my favourite moments (okay, so bits and pieces that I could find), and putting it on YouTube. I hope you all enjoy it… (It will appear as soon as I’ve had time to finish it)

Well, it appears that the 100th post lines up nicely with a delightful cold that I now have. Writing this week’s post has been nothing but a pain in the backside. All I really want to do is sleep. Which is ironic really, because I imagine that anyone that reads this rubbish just wants to fall asleep as well. Is this how some of you get to sleep at night?

Because this week, I had put some considerable effort into a 100th post montage, I thought I could get away without writing much of anything. But to be honest, I have several things I really wanted to bring up. And although I’m ill, I don’t feel the need to bring up my last meal…

At the very beginning of the week, as usual, I was helping in Year 4 science. For the last few weeks, we have been looking at temperature. For the kids to investigate, each table is given 3 beakers of water. Obviously, kids being kids, we don’t do this until the last possible moment (stop fiddling). Each beaker is filled with water at a different temperature: cold, room temperature, and hot.

The class has a tap where we could get room temperature water from, but to get the other water meant a trip to the staff room. Whilst one of my colleagues emptied the water cooler, I set about filling a teapot from our boiler. We hurried back to class, and filled the beakers. Tap water, cold water, then finally my hot water. As I poured it out, I noticed that the hot water was… well not quite normal. As I noticed the colour of the water, I was thankful that I don’t drink hot drinks. What does this look like to you?Today children, we’re going to see if we can investigate which teacher provided each sample…

I told the caretaker, and showed him the photo. He insisted that I had fudged the photo, and that the boiler was filtered. Is it any wonder that there are loads of staff off ill? (and no I didn’t drink any, this must be a cold…)

Wednesday night, I had to work at Adult Ed. Mum had this cold, before kindly passing it on to me, so I covered her shift. To cut (you’ll get the pun in a mo) a long story short, I put a piece of paper, with someone’s details on it, through the shredder. I didn’t realise that I had done this until 9.05pm, about 25 minutes before home time.

You’re now thinking ‘What’s strange about that? Shredding personal details to prevent ID fraud. Data Protection and all that.’ Unfortunately I needed these details, so that I could pass the particulars onto the day staff. Upon the realisation of all this, I rushed to the shredder, and started trawling through it. Fortunately for me, it was on orange paper, so the pieces were rather easy to find.CSI eat your hearts out – the finished product.

After fishing the bits out, I was glad for watching late night re-runs of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (I do like the Las Vegas series). I carefully placed out the strips, and held them together with the weight of my pen on top. I still have no idea what the ladies name is, but we did manage to piece back together the phone number. You know, it’s much harder to do that it looks on TV.

On Thursday, I had once again got myself on a school trip. This was a good one as well (in my opinion). Instead of spending the day in school, we got to take the kids on a walk in the country, along an old Roman Road (Stane Street). We arrived in the car park at the start of our 7140 metre walk (that’s nearly 4 and a half miles), and were surprised that our Deputy Head had not yet arrived. He had taken the minibus several minutes before we left in the coaches, and he wasn’t here.

We tried to phone him, but we couldn’t get through on the number he’d given us. It later turned out to be the wrong number. Our Deputy Head is a great guy, and I don’t know of a single member of staff that doesn’t like him. But is one of the more… ‘senior’ members of staff, and as such, has a bit of a fear of technology. When we returned from the trip, I altered the school’s ‘school trip whiteboard’. We write up important trip details, like phone numbers, and medications… etc.A method of technology that our Deputy Head is more accustomed to…

Also on our trip, and also in the car park, I had other members of staff laughing at me. As I’m sure that anyone that knows me will know (wow, that’s a confusing phrase), I’m normally quite prepared. So naturally, I had come prepared to work in the outdoors. My fellow colleagues thought this was funny. My reply was, ‘Laugh all you like. I’m an Adventure Education student, and I have come prepared to work in the outdoors…’ Go University of Chichester…Mr. Clarke (I hate being called that) – the Adventure Education professional.

And that ends this week’s ramblings. I hope that you are all better than me, and I also hope I’m feeling better next week. Roll on Half Term!

If you are well, and would like to rub it in, why not leave a comment telling me how great it is to be healthy.

If you are also unwell, why not leave a comment telling me your symptoms, and I’ll see if you also have man-flu…

Quote of the Week: ‘Yes ma'am, we did discharge a firearm multiple times. We're okay but the raccoon is dead or at least dying and the duck may not make it, thanks for the concern, good night.’ This week’s quote comes from one of my American friends, Terry Robinson, who also writes on the net. He posts daily, but fortunately never more than a few sentences. If you would like some mild entertainment, why not check out ‘Suburban Adventure’?

Song of the Month: Royal Salute. The combined bands of TS Intrepid and TS Sturdy (sounded amazing on Sunday guys, roll on the Band Contest. 28th October, Burgess Hill Triangle Centre, come an support TS Intrepid!).

Ha Ha, fooled you.

What have I been chirping on about for the last few weeks? What should this be? Any ideas?



That's right, post 100! But according to Blogger it's only post 99. But that's convenient really. I've been banding all weekend, I feel really unwell, and have since Thursday night (that's right Michael, I'm blaming you...), and so I need the night off anyway.



Check back tommorrow for another thrilling installment, and the 100th CATCOUK post. No, really. I mean it this time.



Honest Indian.

Anyone for a 99?

Good morning/day/evening* all!

*delete as appropriate.

Well, it maybe a day late (and thanks to a late notice), we are now at post number 99! That's right, just one week until the spectacular, no expense spared, 100th CATCOUK post. I bet you are all as excited as me... (or if you have a pulse, maybe even slighty more excited) To celebrate this, the 99th post, I would like to invite you all to have a 99 Ice Cream cone with me at some point during the week. If you see an Ice Cream van, then you should feel free to go and purchase one, and imagine that I am with you in spirit (unless I am with you, in which case we won't be having one, because I am absolutly skint!).

So what's happenned this week then? Well to be honest, I havn't got a clue. I have slept since then. There have been many things that have occurred, and unfortunatly they can only be repeated in front of a more adult audience (watch out soon for Andy Clarke's First Bus to Lancing... a parody of Terry Garoghan's Last Bus to Whitehawk). But lets stumble through this together, and see if we can't end up with a finished product at the end. Here we go...

So Monday... Monday... What happenned on Monday?... Oh yes. Our first band practice of the week. Without Louise (our amazing, valiant, and modest Bandmaster) things never run quite as smoothly. And so, they didn't run very smoothly. But it wasn't completely bad. The way I look at things at the moment, Monday nights are only filling sessions between really productive (albeit stressful) weekends.

And then we merge seamlessly onto Tuesday. An interesting couple of facts about Tuesdays, is that they always lie between a Monday and a Wednesday, and that more often than not, they end in a Y (just like the phrase 'itsy, bitsy, teeney, weeney'). On Tuesday afternoons, I take a class to the local swimming pool for swimming lessons. I then (almost immediately) walk back with the first class. And this is (almost) what happenned this week.

Just as we arrive at the Aquarena (our local pool), the teacher of the class I was walking down turned around and said, 'Have you got Algernon's insulin stuff?' (names changed for child protection reasons). 'Oh dear,' I replied, or words to that effect, 'I had best take a relaxing walk back to school, and fetch it...'. And so I ram. Yes that's right boys and girls, even fat old me can get up a sweat some days. I just wish I had chosen to wear a slightly lighter jacket that day.

I ran back into the school, collected Algernon's stuff, recieved some very funny looks from the ladies on the office, and jumped into the Mark IV, for a burn back down to the pool. With all the speed could muster (something similar to a hurd of antelopes - with broken legs. Well it was in traffic) I wizzed to the pool, and abandoned Ernie in the pool's car park. Alas not a cool 1970's angle, and alas without the new flashing light, but in a parking space. All of this just in time to take the other class back.

And to add insult to injury, our Rambling club that day, with which I usually help, was lacking our leader this week. So, without 1 bold Northener at the helm, we also lacked a minibus. Wherever we went, we would have to walk from the school. So we thought we'd walk through the local parks (a bit of Urban Rambling), and down to the beach. Ironically, just next to where my car was parked. Not that I could collect my car. Oh, no. I had to walk the group back to school, and the get Ernie...

And we fall elegantly into Wednesday, just like a drunk falling in the street. After many weeks of planning and paperwork (and many weeks of annoyning poor Mrs. Varney [Heather] in the office) Chesswood Middle School's first ever climbing club had it's first session! And it went really well. I think all the kids really felt a sense of achievement, and they certainly all had a smile on their face. What a relief - perhaps all the County Council paperwork was worth it...

So we got back to school at 6.30, just in time for me to race home, shovel some food down my neck, and change my shirt, so that I could meet Siobhan at the pub at 8. That's right, I pulled out all the stops. I even put on a 4 year old T-Shirt to go out! We really wanted to play pool, and the first pub we went to was slightly busy. It was football night (and Siobhan and I are equally as excited about football), and unfortunatly the pool tables and the big TV screen share a room. So on to the next pub, which was completely different.

It was like a graveyard in there. There could only have been three other people in there, and two of them were bar staff. A nice quiet pub, no one else after the pool tables, but better yet, Wednesday nights in the Golden Lion was FREE POOL NIGHT! Result. Well my friend Siobhan and I pooled it out hard to a three all draw (we are both pretty special at pool), and then sat and drank for a while. Then I drove her home, and we sat and chatted in the car for an hour and a half (making a small hole in the O-Zone layer above her house, as I didn't switch the engine off for half an hour). Why we didn't go inside is anyone's guess, but I suppose my car is pretty bloody comfortable. And when the street lights switched off, we knew it was probably time to go home. So after a quick 20 minutes star gazing, I eventually stumbled into bed at about 2am...

And then, like a rabbit being hit by a juggernaut at 50mph, it was 5 to 8 Thursday Morning. That gave me just enought time (thanks to Mum waking me up, when I forgot to set the alarm) to run throught the shower, jump into some clothes, and scream to school in my Escort. Obviously, being quite a tired bunny, I was quite looking forward to going home at 3.15. But this is CATCOUK, it's obvioulsy not that easy. I had to take the Girls' Football club to fill in for someone.

Okay lads, I can hear you all laughing. Girls. Playing Football? Well firstly, I play football like a girl anyway, so I'm an obvious choice. Secondly, I thought, 'These are girls interested in football. They'll be better than me'. Wrong. All of those stereotypes that leaped into your heads when I mentioned Girls and Football were spot on. What a nightmare...

And then I finally landed on Friday. Once again, the deputy head (Dennis) asked me to cover the class from hell's games lesson. Actually, they were much better this week. All credit to them. But even so, they are a stressful class to get organised. Oh boy was I looking forward to a relaxing weekend...

Again, this is CATCOUK, not a Disney movie. Loads of stuff happenned, involving me being up to 4am.... and looking after friends. Incidently I bought my first bunch of flowers. The lady that served me (at 10.50pm on my home from a Lions fundraiser) gave me a very funny look. It's no wonder men don't buy flowers often. It was the kind of look as if to say 'Oh aye. He's in trouble, and clearly trying to 'make-up' wink wink, nudge, nidge'. Actually, I was being nice to a friend.

Anyways, Sunday was band again, and all the officers were arguing with me. Being as stubborn as my mother, I held strong, and did what I said I was going to do. So is it any wonder that by then end of the day, I was ready to blow a friggin' fuse? Fortunatly all the kids were gone, and it was only Mum that got it in the neck. Yes, it was a stressful weekend.

Made all better when I woke up this morning (Monday - I'll give you a little bonus for waiting an extra day) and Dad (one of the officers that was arguing - possibly the most argumentative, well he is family) said to me 'Well Done for standing by your guns yesterday, even with me arguing with you constantly. It was all worth it.' Hooray! The old man actually admitted he was wrong, and I had got it right!!!! Ahh, it's going to be a good week (but there's only one way to find out buoys and gulls)...

And on that note, see you all next week.

Quote of the Week: 'It's 1120pm on a Monday evening. Do you really think that I can be bothered to finish off as normal, or remember my real quote of the week, or come up with this month's tune of the month, or add a few photos?' said Andy, rather tired, and a little bit grouchy. Sorry MSN Monday people...

Transmission Error

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've had a long, tiring, stressful weekend, and I just want to settle down and watch the new series of Top Gear. That's right boys and girls, if you didn't see it, you missed Top Gear last night. I hope for your sakes that it's repeated...

Anyways, check back Tuesday, to see if I was up late Monday night. All I will say is this: sometimes, some things are more difficult to achieve than starting my car on a cold day. And that was kind of theme of everything I did this weekend. God bless my marching band...