I'm just too tired to think of a witty title

WARNING: LONG BLOG ALERT

Where do I start? So much has gone on this week, that you had better set aside a few days before you read this. So where do I start? At the beginning I suppose.

On Saturday night last week (forgot to mention this last week), Mum went to my cousin's hen night. As part of the hen night, they went to Liquid Lounge (a night club in Worthing). Just after midnight, my Mum asked me to go and pick her up, and some of the other women up, and take them all home. Well, I thought it was just typical for me really. Most people my age go out and get drunk in night clubs, and then ring their parents for a lift home. Me, I get a phone call from me mother asking me to give her a lift home from a night club. Lovely Jubbely...

At the beginning of last week, Ernie had to visit the garage to get an oil leak fixed (now that they have managed to get the 700 year old parts). As is now the custom, I got a loan car to bomb about in, whilst Ernie was being repaired. And this time, I was treated to a fast Mark V Escort. At first glance, it looked brilliant. Okay, so the car is 12 years old, but age isn't everything.

Escorted by the Escort Mark V...

Foot to the floor, the car went really well. If I had wanted to, I could have even infringed the local speed limits... But I suppose the first few seconds of driving summed it all up nicely. Admittedly, I have had some ropey loan cars from them, but this was looking to be a good one. Just as I drove out of the forecourt, the rear view mirror fell off the windscreen. Marvellous.

Mirror mirror on the...er...floor?

Once I had the wagon of speed back, I was free to cruise to and from Uni again, to do all of those wonderful assignments. But on my travels, I did see something totally shocking. I saw a woman, driving a Chelsea tractor... off road! Well, it had to nudge up over the curb anyway. It was particularly funny. She completely blocked the road for 5 minutes, whilst she attempted getting through this tight gap. All I could do was laugh at her, and turn my engine off. It was a good job that she had that all terrain vehicle, or she would never had managed it.

'Crazy' off-road driving from the owner of this Range Rover Chelsea tractor.

With Ernie repaired in double quick time, I was able to complete the construction of my trailer. Weighing in at 75 000 gross tons, my new trailer took the rest of Tuesday to complete. I had hoped it would just take a few hours, and then I could spend the rest of the day at Uni. But when it got to 4 o'clock, I kind of guessed I wasn't going to Uni.

Introducing Ernie the Escort, and Bernie the Battleship (short for Bernice). Ernie and Bernie.

God help any driver that goes into the back of Bernie. That trailer is built like a chuffin' tank.

Along came Friday, and it was time to put Ernie and Bernie to good use. So that we could take the NTC cadets camping, we fully loaded the trailer (heaped), and fully loaded the boot, and the roofrack had two layers of bags! And there really was a noticeable difference in pulling power. No women came near me... boom boom.

Ernie and Bernie of their first 'date'... Loaded up to the hilts...

The best posible speed I managed to get out of Ernie, downhill with the wind behind me was a little over 60mph. At one point, some berk pulled out in front of me, and I had to pull an emergency stop. I swear, pulling that much weight, it was only sheer will power that stopped us, because the brakes sure as anything wouldn't have done it. Of course, not all things wanted to stop. The roofrack as loaded as it was decided to carry on going, and slid four inches along the roof, scoring some rather deep scratches just off the front rim of the top of the car. Damn.

The camp was... well frankly wet. Friday was gorgeous, and Saturday was okay (just long enough to go climbing anyway). However Sunday and Monday were soaking wet. We still did most of the activities, we just had to control them a bit better. And talking of controlling activities, a funny incident did occur. If any of you listen to the Chris Moyles Show, you'll know that there are sometimes when he wants to say things that are too risky, so he turns the mikes off. This is one of those occasions.

Finally, we got home from camp on Monday. My darling (but rather committed) cadets voted to have band practice straight after camp. So we did. By the time I had dropped the kids off, and hung up the very wet tents to dry, it was time to collect the band gear, and go to band. All the kids had been home, had showers, and eaten, and wondered why I was still in the same clothes from camp! And as if that wasn't enough, after band, I had to go home, have the fastest shower in the history of mankind, and go down the pub for a 'hot date'. Well I met up with a friend that I havn't seen since they invented the wheel.

And now, I am going to bed as I am very very tired.

Sorry the blog wa late boys and girls. See you all next week, for what could be my last ever blog!!!

If you are as tired as me, why not go to bed, and leave a comment in the morning.

If you aren't as tired as me, you are clearly a scumbag.

Quote of the week: 'Bungle, you have to level with me. Are there really enemy insurgents in the woods' asked a cadet as we went out on Night Games. Gullable so and so.

You know, sometimes I just can't be asked...

I have had a pretty busy, and to be honest, I'm not sure I can be bothered this week.

All week, I have been slaving away over a hot laptop, typing up essays for university assignments. The way university works (as some of you may know), is that you sleep through 12 weeks of lectures, and then you throw together 5 essays, in two weeks. Bing band bosh, done. I have one and a half to go, and three/ four days to do them. Well actually, I could take 7 days to do them, but I'm going camping with the NTC next weekend, so there you go.

Now, I have to phrase this next bit carefully. One day this week (possibly a Wednesday), I may have taken a rock climbing instructor's assesment, which might have conflicted with working at Sainsbury's. This could have caused me to call in 'sick' and would mean pulling my first ever 'sickie'. I think you can see where I'm going with that. But what the hell do I care for? I'm leaving in three weeks time!!! Anyways, this week, I did take and pass an assesment, so I am now a fully qualified climbing instructor!

On to the weekend. As I'm going camping next weekend, I realised that I would need my trailer that I told you lot about a few weeks back. I told Dad that I would have a road worthy trailer by the end of the weekend, and he just laughed at me. Did I do it? Read on...

I went out to the trailer Saturday morning. Having already painted the exterior, and underneath, only the interior of the frame needed sanding and painting. However (isn't there always a however...), after 30 minutes of sanding/ grinding, I had only covered about two feet of the trailer. So I made an executive decision. My trailer refurbishment, was upgraded... to a trailer rebuild. With the assistance of an angle grinder (what a fun tool that is...), I removed the old frame, and kept the good chasis and trailer board. I then went out and bought £90 worth of angle iron and nuts and bolts, and for the rest of Saturday constructed the floor pan. I already had some metal panels that I had aquired, so that was together pretty quick. Except for the bolts in the corners. What a pain in the backside...

Sunday. All I had left to do with the trailer, was bang up the uprights, and then put in thge side panels, which should be far easier than building the floor pan. Unfortuntaly, you'll have to wait until later to find out. Because on Sunday, I went powerboating in Shoreham Harbour, to help run a course. It was pretty good, although I am pretty sun burnt. Did alot of bombing around the harbour in various different boats.

But this all took time. I didn't return home until 1710, and I can only really work up to 8 in the evening, because of the noise of the drill and the angle grinder (again, what a great tool. Great sparks...). Drilled the first hole for the upright, and it all went downhill from there. It took three hours to just put in the four uprights, and put some temporary front and rear bolts, for those panels.
Dad was right. I couldn't complete the trailer in a weekend. Damn.

I have to cut some panels, for the sides. Then I need to bolt the side panels in. Once the cargo unit is complete, I then need to bolt the cargo unit onto the chasis. Finally, I need to re-attach the wheels. I'm confident I can have that all done in a few hours. Tommorrow evening...

And we'll find that out next week. Of course, because of the bank holiday (and the fact that I am camping) next week's post won't be available until Tuesday morning. Have a good bank holiday all of you out there.

If you couldn't be bothered to read this week's blog, why not leave a comment and telling me that you didn't read it (although by leaving a comment, you must have read the post, in order to know that you would have to leave a message...).

If you could be bothered to read this week's dribble, please leave a comment telling me what I wrote, because I sure as heck can't be bothered to read it...

Quote of the Week: 'F8*k Off!'. Ahhh, the peaceful language of people from London, that I was powerboating with... (imagine that tune that's all nature....)

The end of an era

Some of my more long term readers will be very sorry to hear, that this week marked the end of an era. That's right readers, I handed in my notice in writing to Sainsbury's!!!! (please imagine fireworks going off, and the Hallelujah song) Of course this does mean that I loose my main source of bitching, and I will no longer be able to unleash a torrent of abuse and complaints on my long suffering (and quite frankly idiotic) supervisors.

So to celebrate this, I have decided to copy a feature from 'Mock The Week'. In bold, is what I actually wrote in my resignation letter, and below it, is what I really meant. If you'd prefer, imagine the bloke that was the doctor in 'My Hero' saying the stuff in bold, and imagine a random comedian that the show could afford to read the rest of it. Perhaps you can make a game of it, and try and work out what I meant. Anyways, here we go (and the stuff in bold really was in my letter)

Dear Sir/ Madam,
To whichever idiot needs to read this, because they couldn't remember the date I gave them last week,

It is with great regret, that I must inform you that I will be leaving the company on the 5th June.
It is with great joy, that I'm telling you (again) that I'm leaving at last on 5th June. Yippeeeee!

Although I have really enjoyed my time with Sainsbury’s, University commitments demand that I leave the company, so that I can travel around the world, completing my ‘Placement’ module.
I have hated every minute that I have spent with Sainsbury's, so fortunatly University commitments demand that I go around the world in the name of education. Thanks to the employees who will help pay for my education.

Immediately after leaving Sainsbury’s I will be travelling to Pennsylvania, America to work with the Boy Scouts of America as an adventure facilitator.
As soon as I am shot of you, I'm going to far, far, far, far better places, to do something that I actually enjoy. Hurrah!

My placement year will mean that I am away in various placements until August 2008.
And yes, I'm going to be away doing stuff I enjoy for a long time.

At this time, I will be looking for employment again, and I hope that you will keep me in mind.
When I get back, I'll be looking for a job, and I hope you'll keep me in mind when I have a job as something decent, getting paid a good wage.

I would like to thank all of the supervisors, CTSs, and managers that have made my last two and half years at Sainsbury’s such a pleasure.
I would like to thank all of the supervisors, CTSs, and managers, who have been, in my last (and for the love of sweet Jesus Christ, please my ONLY) 2 and a half years, such pains in the arse.

I wish the department, and the store continued success,
I hope that the store can continue it's current successes, that is to say none,

and hope that it can keep at it’s current standard.
and hope that the store remains at it's current poor standard, so that I can make numerous complaint to Customer Services when I have the mispleasure of shopping here.

Yours faithfully,
Up yours,

Andrew Clarke
Customer Services Assistant, Checkout Department
Andrew Clarke
Finally gald to be rid of this flippin' place!

Well I hope that you enjoyed that. It does of course raise two questions: When am I going to America (and what will happen to CATCOUK)?, and Did I really have nothing better to write about this week?

Well, I leave for the states on Thursday 7th June, and will return on Tuesday 22nd August. Obviously this is far too long to get someone to cover, so I will endeavour to continue writing from the states. And no, I had nothing better to write. I have been busy writing assignments all week. Marvellous.

If you can't wait for me to go to the states, why not leave a comment along the lines of 'please stop then, and then there'll be no more of this rubbish'.

If you think that I shouldn't leave Blighty to go to the Septic Tanks (Yanks), why not leave a comment to the tune of the National Anthem (and no-one had better start singing star spangled banner...).

Quote of the Week: 'Mr. Himsworth, can I start eating my lunch' said the pupil, as he finished off his Fromage Frais in a tube (Frube).

Far too many choices of title

Quite frankly, there are so many puns that I could have used for this week's blog, I just couldn't decide. A few of my favourites:

Camping: it's intense (you have to say that one);
Not quite all geared up;
You can't have your Kayak and eat it, trust me.

I think you can guess it's been a busy week.

You may remember me telling you last week that I was very tired (as I am again this week). The reason that I was tired, is that I had just returned from camp with the NTC (TS Intrepid, havn't used that link for a while. I made that website by the way!). After over 48 hours of non-stop children, it was nice to be home. So that you could fully appreciate the camp, I also put together a movie. Well mainly for advertisement for the youth group, but you guys can watch it as well.

Streamside Camp video (on YouTube).

After that tiring week, I then went to University. As a full-time student, I attended 6 hours of lectures this week (and I'm not even joking). How can six hours be full-time?!?!?! I miss my friends. So because of this (or maybe inspite of this), I actually went and did some work in the library, and I was shocked to find some books...

Did I really go to the library because I wanted to do some work? Of course not. Ernie, my beloved Ford Escort has an oil leak. And being that he is 21 years old in June, and fast coming up on the dreaded 100 000 mile stage, I wanted him checked over in the garage. So with nothing better to do, I thought I'd drive to the library instead of going home again.

And how did I get to Uni I hear you cry. A courtesy car of course! As some of my more long suffering readers will know, W. Jones (my absolutly, can't endorse them enough garage) have given me an interesting array of cars in the past. And it works out, that if I get a good courtesy car (2 litre Ford Focus Ghia was nice), Ernie will only spend a few hours in the garage. If I get a crap car (eg Ford Ka), it could be days...

I walked over to the showroom, and spotted my car. A lovely looking, flame red L reg Fiesta. Dagenham Dustbin I hear some of you cry, but I like the older Fords. This one had alloy wheels. The man came out, with a very sorry expression. 'I'm sorry this is all we have that's taxed...' No problems I replied, it looked great. 'Well, no. As you drive along, the car just... chokes. We've no idea why. Then it'll keep going. And also, the front doors can't be unlocked from thge outside. But if you do lock yourself out, you can always go in through the boot!' Marvellous.

Missing a white stripe somewhere I feel: Was quite nippy, and I had fun.

It was actually quite fun, and I liked it. So sure enough, the garage rang me at 1.30. 'Loads of seals need replacing (fair enough for a car as old as Ernie), but no one has them. We'll need to book you in. Cost about £90.' Lovely job. But there's always a but isn't there. 'Two of the seals indicate that damage could have been caused to the gear box. You may need to have it rebuilt soon, unless the new seals work really well. Thats more like £350!' Bugger.

And to finish off my week, I have been kayaking today (again with the NTC). I had great fun, and I have finally managed to master my bow rudder! Hurrah! (that's a technical Kayak move). But I am now really getting into this movie making. So I made (yet another) video. This one you really need to watch though (don't worry about the one above). Wait for the end, when I do a 4-5 ft launch off of a wall, into the canal (known as a 'seal launch'). All fun and games.

Kayak Day video (also on YouTube)

But not quite all fun and games. At the very end, all the kids capsize. So after they were out, I said I would do an Eskimo Recovery (I capsize, put my hands up, someone kayaks into my hands, and I pull my self up). Easy. Well no. My partner didn't kayak into my hands, so just before I nearly drown, I decided it would be a good idea to come up for air, and look for the kayak. Unfortunatly, the other kayak then found me. Right in the chops. And one broken nose later, I have a splitting headache. Swell. 'Ouch my dose', and another carefully selected phrases were said. Well done to one of my cadets who caught this on my camera, almost straight after it happened (little so and so...).

Well that's all for now. See you next week, when we'll find out what courtesy car I get, how much my car costs, and how big my nose actually swells after being broken. Ciao for now!

If you think that it's about time someone shoved a kayak in my face, why not leave a comment, starting with 'Well done Chrissie'.

If you think that I'm mad after watching my video, why not leave a comment starting with 'Do you really think you should risk your life like that, all in the name of entertainment?'

Quote of the Week: At Chesswood Middle School, we were talking about where you might find dangerous spiders: 'Asia', 'Africa', 'Austrailia', 'Er... What about the Isle of Wight?' Muppet.

Song of the Month: 'Golden Skans' by The Klaxons.