I believe in miracles - you SAINSBURYS thing?

Hi all. This weeks Blog was published before I got a chance to add the all important photo. So here it is. Thanks to Scott for the photo. I'm the one in the middle (with the Sainsbury's uniform).

Would you be scared if this bloke was chasing you down the street (the answer is yes, if there was no apparent reason!)

Well, that's what I look like wearing the Sainsbury's Trolley Wally uniform. The other two idiots are my friends Rob (left) who has recently left us for the delights of North London, and Scott (right) who too the photo.

DON'T FORGET THIS WEEK'S BLOG BELOW! THIS WAS JUST ME ADDING THE PHOTO - BECAUSE I'M A SILLY OLD HECTOR, AND FORGOT TO DO IT THE FIRST TIME!

They think it's all over... ?

As we see the return of football this weekend, I want to reassure you all that you can consider CATCOUK your quiet place, where I WILL MENTION NO FOOTBALL! My personal opinion is that all proffesional footballers are a bunch of pansies, and get paid far too much money. So rest assured, you'll hear no more (unless I have to take the mick about something!)

But to link nicely to this week's sporting title, this week's blog is about my recent sporting success. Now I know this will come as a shock, and something of a disappointment to my female readers, but I am no sporting god! In fact, I'm not eveb remotely good at sport. I'm just about fit enough to play, and I enjoy playing sports, I'm just no good. In fact, I know that there are slightly below average monkeys that can do sports better than I can!

Anyways, because of this clinical incompetance for sport that I suffer from, it is well documented that my disabled 17 year old brother (the alcoholic mentioned the other week) can beat me at just about anything (except outdoor activities, and for some bizarre reason - Badminton). So apart from the activities that I am fairly good at, my arthritic younger (no joke) can beat me. When he invited me to join him and Dad for some Tennis today, I knew that it was going to be a tall order.

I havn't playe tennis in about two years, and back then, I was only just holding out against Ian (my brother). This session was going to end in tears. Sure enough, we warm up and I can't serve, return the ball over the net (and when I do it goes miles off the court), and Ian is hitting the ball for all his worth. Dad is being his usual 50 year old git, and is playing it slow.

Eventually the torture of warming up is replaced by the hellish suggestion that we play some singles games!!! Out of the frying pan and into the fire! Dad (being 50) gracefully lets me an Ian play the first match (while Dad phones an ambulance for himself to recover). Four games to a match, winner stays on. In the result of a draw, the last person serving stays on.

Sure enough, first game shoots through, and it's 40-love to Ian. I havn't scored a single point. But then I realise, that my strength has always been optimism, and tactics. I manage to get the score back to 40 - 30 before Ian won. Now I know it was a loss, but it proved there was hope. I had observed Ian's play, and found some critcal flaws that I could exploit.

Ian had tried to serve like he was at Wimbledon - hard, low and fast. With very little luck. I think in the whole session he got four first serves over. The key was using his over-confident shots. I played really slow serves (almost so slow the ball was in reverse), but all my first serves were going in (bar a few). Ian then tried to hit the ball back hard and fast. Sure enough it ended up in the net. It went on like this, and I won the next three games to take the match.

Ian has much more skill than me, but in the end, he just doesn't have the wit to out-wit me! He is of course a half-wit. And this prooves that Brains beat braun any day of the week! Ladies - I may be over weight and rubbish at sport, but I can do maths! (what a chat up line!)

Finally, linking back to "They think it's all over...", I was involved with someone who thought it was all over this week. I was at brilliantly wonderful Sainsburys (that is most definatly sarcastic) this week (doing trollies again) when a manager rushes out the store, and asks if I can follow him... QUICK! It turns out he's chasing a shoplifter. At that time he was just walking slowly (clearly thinking his heist was "all over" - get the link). The manager asked him to stop, and he bolted!

The manager promptly followed. Well, it being that I have delusions of being a 1970's cop, I ran as well (it also has something to do with the fact the most excitment I get at work normally is seeing what's on Buy One Get One Free that week!). Anyways, we're running after the criminal, and I'm just overtaking the manager on the run when this hardened criminal turns around to see us barreling towards him. Naturally when he saw me: the 70s cop, he put his hands up, and came quietly.

Having built that great image, I would have liked to say at this point...
"Wearing a leather jacket I threw a big 6ft bloke who'd just stolen a load of money, into the back of a police car, and told the sergeant to book him!"

But this is the real world, so...
"Wearing a bright orange fluorescent Sainsbury's jacket, with a blue shirt, and a tie with red chilles on it, I gently escorted the 12 year old boy who had stolen a packet of sweets to the office."

What a let down.

Well, this weeks Blog has all been about disappointment.

Are you a bloke that now thinks I'm a complete idiot for hating football? Are you a women that used to fancy me, before you found out I can't play sports and now hate me? Are you the boy that I got arrested for nicking 32p worth of sweets, and hate me? Why not leave me a comment telling me how much you hate me?

Perhaps you're a women that supports my views on football, and now like me more than ever. Maybe you're a bloke that used to fancy me, but still thinks I'm okay as how sports aren't that important to you, so you still want to be a gay lover. Maybe you the boy that I got arrested for nicking 32p worth of sweets, and have now seen the error of your ways, and think that I am some sort of youth working messiah, and you'd like to start you're own cult around me. Why not leave a message saying how great you think I am? (except the gays - sorry, I may be desperate, but I don't swing that way!)

CAT-astrophe (and another Film review)

It's alright, there's no problems. Calm down! Catastrophe was the only word that I could think of that had CAT in it.

As you may have sussed by now, this week's Blog is all about a cat! Now although I'd love to rant on about my cat Monty (aka The Montinator, Monster, Keg on Legs) weighing in at 17 pounds (heavy cat), I wish to regail the story of my experience with the Lucky Chinese Cat!

Monty, The Montinator, Monster, the Monta-cat, the Monte-cat, Proffessoray, Keg-on-Legs, You-fat-git, or you-little-sod-if-I-catch-you-doing-that-again.... My cat Monty, the cat with a thousand names (and no he's not a spy)

Once upon a time, in a land far far away... YEAH RIGHT!

Last year I was attending an Officer's course with the NTC (TS Intrepid), and I was just about to keel over and die of bordom when someone said it was LUNCH!! We made our way down the highstreet in Wick, Littlehampton to the Fish and Chip shop (The Wick Fryer). Unknown to me, it was run by a couple of Chinese people. When I walked in there, they had a Lucky Cat on the shelf behind (the one with the moving paw). I love cats, but I had never seen one of these in my life.

I was AMAZED. I absolutly feel about the place laughing, it was so great. I'm sure I embarresed my fellow ofiicer's and friends, and god only knows what the shop people thought! Anyways, ever since, I have always been amazed by this cat. I just love it (sad or what). It has become something of a fixation - when I was forced into a Night Club, I used the same hand motion as a special dance floor move - oh yes I'm cool! (Does sarcasm work on a Blog? Leave a comment and let me know)

My pussy banging (or that's what it looks like he's doing - on a door)

So, Mum and Dad went away for an night to visit Canterbury, Margate and Hastings. While Mumwas away she actually found one of these cats, and she just had to buy it for me! I'm sure you can imagine my response - it currently sits on a shelf above my TV, and I still chuckle everytime I look up and see him. He has to go off at night however, as he squeeks, and I can't sleep!

Thought my blog was short this week? WRONG! Of course I have something else to say...

As has become a bit of a fad at the moment, Scott, Rob and I (some friends) went to the Cinema (in the last couple of weeks we've seen Superman, Miami Vice, and last night - Pirates of the Carribean). Anyway, on this trip, we invented a new game to play in the car! The cinema we use in Brighton Marina has an upside down Multi-storey car park (you enter it from the top). The cinema (and just about everything else) is at the bottom. The aim therefore has to be to get as low to the bottom as possible. How low can you go? CAR PARK LIMBO!

That's right, play car park limbo! How low down in the car park can you get, before you run out of spaces. For every level you go down, you get a point! If you go too low, and there are no more spaces left, you loose. I saw a space on the 4th floor, and decided to keep going. We got all the way down (1st), and there were no spaces (except for Disabled Parking - no cheating allowed!). We dashed back to 4th (using my Starsky & Hutch driving skills) to find the space full. Damn. YOU LOOSE!

But it's alright, we could play again, as the car park has two sides! 5th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd - space! There is no point going to 1st, as it's ALL disabled parking!

But here at CATCOUK, I feel it's my civic duty to provide you with film reviews: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest. Good film, though went on a bit (2hr 30m). Really enjoyed the first one, but this one took a bit too much time to get started. (Rob had told us there was an extra special scene at the end of the credits about the third film - so we waited through all 10 minutes of credits. There was - 8 seconds. Rob rode home on the roof rack. Stay around to see, it does exist, it just has absolutly nothing to do with the third movie).

Remember that Superman Returns got a rating of 3 Escorts out of 5. What will Pirates of the Carribean score?

3 Escorts out of 5. Great film, really enjoyed it, but far far far too loooooooooooooooong!

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST HAS BEEN OUT IN ALL GOOD CINEMA'S FOR AGES, SO IT'S PROBABLY IN ALL THE CRAP ONE'S NOW ASWELL!

Lastly, you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours. A friend of mine: (mentioned a few weeks ago, the stunningly gorgeous) Holly likes this little ol' blog of mine, and says that she is adding a link onto her website. So in return, I'll fully recommend visiting the Chichester Cheetas website (Cheerleaders of our University: University of Chichester) at http://www.chicheetas.piczo.com/. Cheers Holz.

If you like my Blog, why not add a link to your website, and share how good it is with all your friends? If you have, leave me a comment.

If you hate my Blog, why not add a link to your website, and share how crap it is with all your friends? If you hate my guts - leave a comment (and I'll get back to you).

National Brewer's Droop Day...

Hello, and welcome to another stunningly boring post from yours truly. This week's post has everything from car 'modding', to alcohol abuse! There's no stopping me in my fast paced life style!

I start this week with a polite notice to boy racers in the Littlehampton/ Worthing area. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I know that my car is a 20 year old Escort Estate, and doesn't look as cool as your 1.1 Peugeot 106's with shoddy plastic air vents, but my car can whip your ass in a drag any day! This week, some idiot saw my car as an easy target for his 1.1 small car, with his main beam and fog lights on full (bearing in mind I was on my way home from work just after 10pm).

His lights dazzled my eyes, and sure enough off the roundabout onto the dual carriageway he's puts his foot down to overtake me. Mug, I shift down a gear, and accelerate. After the mile long section of dual carriageway, we hit a single carriageway (50mph speed limit), and the boy racer is still behind me. In order to teach him some manners. he was stuck behind me doing 30. Just because my car is old doesn't mean it does 30 all the time - only when I have to annoy annother road user... If you see my car - it is not an easy target - DON'T BOTHER!

More strange things my car has carried - this week: 3 6ft fence panles. Ernie the Escort - the car that can (and probably has)

Anyways, as many of you will be aware, I love my 1986 Ford Escort Estate (1.4 GL in Champagne Gold). When I drive around in it, I feel like some sort of 70's cop/ PI. Many people ask why I don't 'mod' my car - like add alloy wheels and the like. Most people don't appreciate that my car is just about as near to original condition as you can get (even down to the original dealer's number plates and tax disc holder). So I preserve my car with the respect it deserves. Naturally I have great thoughts about any additions to my car. In January I fitted an electric arial. In the 70's/ 80's this was a common mod for cars like mine, so I felt that it fits in quite well with my car.

The other day, my dad was turfing out some stuff, when he came across a late 70's early 80's car alarm. Mum had bought this for dad some Christmas a long time ago (for his first car - Citroen 2CV). Dad said I could have it, and I opened the box to find a mint condition - never even opened alarm! The instructions on the box said easy-to-fit, so I started with the project.

The MS700 - easy to fit (HA HA)

Easy to fit my arse! 6 hours later I had eventually got it all wired up. Major problems came with trying to set the alarm off at the right time. You'll be pleased to hear that it's now all in fully working condition, and has been tested (some times by accident). All 115 decibells of the Piezo alarm deafinatly work (ha ha - get it). There is one problem however...

The Moss Security MS700 fitted "proffesionally" in my car

The alarm also has a device to detect the whole car's movement. Everytime I drive over a bump in the road, the alarm "tweets" like a bird. The alarm is clearly trying to go off, but is being stopped by the ignition (all be it late). If anyone asks, I'll just say I couldn't afford a hamster for the wheel, and bought a budgy for my engine instead! Other than that, it's the perfect alarm for my car - it works, and it's the right age!

Finally, I get to the title of my post. Last week, my 17 year old brother Ian (Charles Lancely Clarke - just so there's no mistaking him) got absolutly lashed (10 pints down the pub in 6 hours). Now most students will at this point be shouting "LIGHT WEIGHT", but at 9.30pm on Thursday my brother rolled into the house, collapsed into bed saying "I love you Mummy!" Anyways, after puking his guts out several times, he eventually fell asleep in his room with his head actuall IN a bucket. I have attached a picture just to embarress him some more.

DRINKING - It's dead sexy... My 17yr old brother, well on his way to Uni...

The next day, me and Mum took the piss, and really made sure that his hangover went down like the Titanic. We even offered him last night's Lasagne for breakfast (nearly made him hurl!). I therefore dedicate this blog to National Brewer's Droop Day - men that drink to much have... problems.

Super Finally Lastly, I have to mention that I sold my motorbike this week. In memory, I have posted a picture. With my bike's sale, ends an era! Gone now are my Steve McQueen days....

2004 (Jan) - 2006 (Aug)

"Harry" Hongdou HD125C - the quick, [almost] reliable Chinese quivalent of a Honda. Other's laughed, but my bike was brilliant.

Ashley (who bought my bike) - take care of him, or I'll have to take a contract out on you!

That really is it now. Thanks for reading. (Are these posts getting longer week by week? Want to complain? - leave a comment)