That was a CLASS assembley...

Only a short post this week, as I have another YouTube video treat for you all.

I can not let this week slip by, without some reference, somewhere, of this week's class assembly at school (there's a double, ironic meaning in 'class'). Now, this was nothing to do with me (in fact, I have managed to avoid having anything to do with any class assembly (except for watching some of them - some of them are pretty good!). Granted, our school only has a few class assemblies each year (enough for each class), but none of my classes have been involved with any (thank goodness, they just look like a large ammount of stress!).

So anyway, back to the task at hand. This particular teacher is infamous amongst the staff for producing (how can I say crap, without upsetting anyone's feelings?) slightly substandard assemblies. With that sort of a build up, how could I miss it? Perhaps I should have heeded myu colleague's warnings...

Bearing in mind that a class assembly is supposed to be around 25 minutes long, check out this amazing schedule...

5 minutes - introduction and 'interviews' with children of various sports.
10 minutes - a 10 year old's take on strictly come dancing (which was basically an excuse for the girls to dance about on stage - that was teadious after the third or fourth performance).
5 minutes - what they did for Sport Relief - Ah ha - here comes the point of the assembly, and undoubtable the end.
2 minutes - film from Sport Relief to show who is helped by Sport Relief money - nice touch to finish.
5 minutes - more 'interviews' with children, this time who have raised money by doing different sports. Okay, beginning to drag a little now.
3 minutes - a display of - wrestling. That's right, wrestling. In a school where we don't even allow play fighting. And I say wrestling, what I actually mean to say is general unrehearsed play thuggery. Some of the children were pretending to bash each others' skulls in with mini white boards! - I have never felt so cringeworthy, want to crawl out of my skin, uncomfortable in my life!
3 minutes - another display. This time of gymnastics. The first girl did a cartwheel - straight off the stage. Okay, maybe that was planned, but she didn't land well exactly, and I thought she was going to break her ankle, and take out several of the year 4 children watching.
3 minutes - just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water - more dancing. Obviously, we hadn't been bored out our skulls enough earlier on - this time ballet.
3 minutes - sport relate joke telling. Some of them were quite funny (if only they'd practiced not ruining the punchlines...)
4 minutes - all about how sport brings people together - ah so another end meaning to the assembly. Thank goodness, this must be the end. But no...
2 minutes - group sing song of (cringing just that little bit more) - You'll Never Walk Alone. Oh God. Could they have picked a more depressing, slow, and out of tune song.

For the mathematically aware amongst you, that's right - a 25 minute assembly (as stressful as it was) that lasted - 45 f**k**g minutes. It was torture. Don't get me wrong, the kids did well and all that, but how could the teacher let that happen? It was such a terrible experience, I had to go the staff room afterwards, and get a sugary drink (Ribena).

The boss, to his credit, was able to stand up at the end of the assembly, and say a few words. He praised the children, and thanked them, and explained that he had ('fortunatly' he said, although the staff all picked up the subtle sarcasm there) only missed the first 5 mins. He went onto explain that he had to pick up a minibus, and he had trouble with the alarm. He had feared he might end up in n Worthing nick. As he said this, I imagine several staff members muttered 'I wish I had been in Worthing Police Station...' (lord knows I did).

I really did feel physically ill after that assembly. Not just because of the content, but also from the point of view as an adult allowing these poor children to see this awful assembly. Ye gadds...

Now, to the real reason for this post, and the thing that allows me to finish 'Hunt for Red October' in peace. The new YouTube video. I have to frontload this a little. I know that I have prattled on about my amazing Ford Escort for the past few weeks, but I promise to stop for a while. But, with the new foglights (and locks) I really felt that Ernie had been refitted. So, in Star Trek fashion, I decide to make a short film. Even if you're not a Star Trek fan, I'm sure you'll find this ammusing. If you are a Star Trek fan, just think Star Trek: The Motion Picture (the Enterprise leaves Dry Dock).

LAUNCH OF THE ENTER-SCORT!

(If you can't see the above, click here).

See you all next week. Don't forget to comment on YouTube!

If you remember your school assemblies, why not leave a comment, and say that you are aged 16 year or under.

If you don't remeber your school assemblies, why not leave a comment, and say that you are aged over 21...

If you are aged between 16 and 21, you probably can't be bothered to leave a comment. What am I saying? Most people can't be bothered anyway...

Quote of the Week: 'At least the children enjoyed it,' said the boss in the staffroom, whilst we were all moaniung about the assembly. To which I replied 'Well done for finding the positive...'.

My own personal Escort...

And it's Sunday again. Well it was when I was making up this week's post.

Happy Eastere and all that to my readers. It's not a happy easter for me. This is the first time in three years that I've been at home for Easter. For the last two years, I have spent the Easter bank holiday weekend in Snowdonia, mountaineering. This year, Ernie is sitting on the drive way, and I'm sitting at home very bored. Come back Adventure Ed friends - I miss you all.

Someone told me this week that at the age of 21, I am at the peak of my physical performance. Oh bugger. That really doesn't bode well for me does it? Last week, I couldn't even keep up with a 25 minute football match. What hope is their for me for the future? Oh well, there's always the high ammount of money that I'll get paid as a teacher... Damn.

Now, the hardcore catcouk fans out there, will remember that many, many, many months ago, I said that Ernie had developed an unfortunate fault. But because of security reasons, I couldn't tell everyone. Well, now I can. Very inconveniently, I didn't have a single functioning lock on the car. Well, they worked, but the key didn't turn the barrel. With the exception of the ignition barrel, and the fuel cap.

The driver's lock failed in March 2006, when I swapped the driver and passenger door locks over. The boot lock ceased to function sometime over the summer of 2006. And in September last year, when one of my cadets went to my car, the drivers side lock (which used to be the passenger side lock) as buggered. Ever since, I have been looking for replacement locks.

Being a bit of a tart, I wanted all of the locks to match (i.e. have a single key). You're not going to believe this, but finding a complete set if replacement locks for a 1986 Mk IV Ford Escort is not easy. But a few weeks ago, on eBay, for a mere £18 (and anyone making comments about that being more than the value of the car will be run over), I found a set. Sorry Michael, I know you were looking at them too...

Being the manly man that I am (so manly, that I had to go and grovel to my friend Michael to put my foglights on) I did all the locks myself!!! That's right, me! And most amazingly of all, and I still haven't quite got over the novelty, I now drive a car that has a complete set of working locks. I can now lock my car. Even the boot! Woohoo!

As I perused the internet the other day, and thinking about my hard work on my car's locks, I decided to see what pictures are on the internet of Ford Escort Estates. For gould's sake, don't just search for 'escort' - the wrong pictures start to appear. If you use Google's Image search, the first Mk IV Escort on the search is... ERNIE THE ESCORT. Fair enough, it's about the fourth or fifth page in, but Ernie is the first Mk IV Escort on that search. There you go, it's official - I drive the most famous Mk IV Ford Escort Estate on the planet! Hurrah!

Welcome (back) to the 1980's - is this the Escort equivalent of giving Ernie a facelift?

Having spent the entire post raving about my very famous, and well loved Ford Escort (well it has appeared on several videos on YouTube), I wish to finish with a few comments:

1. No bugger commented last week (although granted, I was late posting);

2. I don't care if you don't like cars - no one forced you to read about my classic 1986 Ford Escort Mk IV 1.4 GL Estate in Champagne Gold;

and 3. When I purchased Ernie, it wasn't really through choice. He was cheap, an estate, cheap to run, and cheap to road tax (on that front, see below). Now though, having worked for a couple of months, I could buy a new car. But I choose not to. Ernie is an amazing car, and let's be honest, you all wished you could drive a car that was this cool!

**Note below. Michael, who owns the same car as me, but his is a somewhat problematic cabriolet, asked me how much I pay for road tax. Well, for a few years, it was stuck at £110. This year, I got stung, and had to pay £115. But my dear old friend Michael pays a bit more than that. Granted his is a 1.6, but he pays... wait for it... £200! Sorry Mike.

If you don't like cars, why not leave a comment saying how much you like to walk every where. In the rain.

If you like cars, and (even if only secretly) would like to own a Ford Escort, why not leave a comment saying that you would like one. Sorry, Ernie's not for sale.

Quote of the Week: 'I probably won't see you tomorrow Mr. Clarke... You'll probably be dead' replied one pupil this week, after seeing me start my motorbike, and telling me how dangerous it is... Cheers buddy.

Later than geriatric striker on sleeping tablets, for a football match!

I'd like to say that I'm sorry for an exceptionally late blog, but I can't lie. There used to be a time when I would be late with a post, and at least someone would complain. None of you can be bothered any more can you?

Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, it's been a busy couple of days. I haven't been near my laptop in several days. But I'll tell you all why towards the end...

It's report writing time at Chesswood School, and believe it or not, all the teachers are very busy writing/ typing them all. One colleague of mine, Zoe, told me that she ran a word count on one of her reports, and it was in excess of 1000 words. Over a class of 30, that's 30 000 words (3 times that of a standard university dissertation, or just a mere 6 and half months of CATCOUK). So just a note to all of my fellow students out there - there are people far worse off than us. And these guys do this every year!

Anyways, it being the case that we haven't yet recovered from Ofsted, the teachers are all naturally a little stressed. And like the mug that I am, I'm always willing to pitch in, and share some of the stress. I spent most of last week at work glued to a computer, sorting out various IT administrative issues with year 7 reports. I think, although I've really lost the plot, I've worked on 3 out of the 4 year 7 classes. The biggest job was helping out the deputy head. For Dennis, being the most pleasant man in the world is a full-time job. He's retiring this year, to the dismay of the whole staff team, and as such, could be described as a little advanced in years. Despite his 40 odd years of teaching experience, he's never really learnt to grapple with a computer. So having hand-written all of his reports, I needed to scan them all in, and format them so other teachers could write their various reports in. Job and a half that, but we all love you Dennis!

When Friday rolled around, having managed to wear my own personal arse groove into the plastic stall near one of the staff room computers, I was dragged away in a semi-concsious state to the school field. Apparently, before my soul had been swallowed up by the computer system, I had agreed to join in with festivities for 'Sport Relief'. And bless the year 5 team, but they had organised (and I use the term organised very loosely) a staff v students football match. Having found my old high school PE jersey (St. Andrews for life!), and yes it still fits, I ambled onto the school's football pitch.

The atmosphere was really good. I had worried about the non-sporty kids being bored, but the vast majority seemed to have a really good time. At one point (when we were in the lead), a teacher that wasn't playing, Ian, nipped onto the pitch, to just tap the ball beyond the goal. To be fair, our goalkeeper would never have tried to save it, but somehow, Ian's ball played straight into Carolyn's stomach. And Ian's 'tap' was quite powerful. Although mainly for comic effect, Carolyn went straight to the deck, bent over in mock agony. The irony is, this was the best and only save she made in the whole match!

As a brief interlude (big word for you lot I know, but bare with me), I just can't resist putting up pointless and needless photos of my car, and now 'fleet'. With both the amazing Ernie the Escort, and Eric (Morecombe) the Motorbike, I felt it was about time for some family photo album pics.

Master and Commander: the new old and impressive fleet.

Introducing Eric Morcombe the Motorbike, a 1989 Honda (not Hongdou) CB450 DX. When it was new, it would have done a standing quarter mile in 5 seconds apparently. It's still pretty quick.

One more for luck (well, Eric deserves his moment, and this ol' Honda is a smooth as silk). And you would never even notice the reflection of the camera man (what a muppet I am...).

On Sunday, I attended the most boring course that I have attended in a long time. I felt that it would be a good idea for my to gain a VHF radio operator's license, and the NTC's sailing centre, NSTC Lion, had bought an instructor in. The centre was great as always (just in case you've surfed in looking to hire the centre), but the courswe... Snooze-athon. It's been quite a few years since the last time I nearly fell asleep whilst in a class. The instructor really knew his stuff, and had several witty anecdotes - but you can only work with the subject matter. Anyways, I'm now licensed to operate a radio station on marine VHF channel (only kidding Ian, that's illegal...).

I had been told that the course might finish at 5, maybe 5.30. So when I eventually left the place at 6.30, I really had to gun it over to Lancing. Michael, my best friend, and his lovely girlfriend Amy have been inviting me over for dinner for weeks. I thought I might actually make one. But just a mere 55 minute later, I was standing outside their Lancing flat. Dinner was great, thanks Amy.

But the main reason for my visit, was to make a modification to my car (I don't want Ernie feeling left out with all this talk of motorbikes...). I now have fitted, although not wired in, very 1980's spot lights on the front. Michael and I were working in his garage until midnight, but to be fair, we did have to remove the bumper. Well, I see we, Michael did most of the work, as I don't really know what I'm doing. Thanks Michael, I'm just not going to mention the rust we found under the wings...

Well that was my week. Thanks for all your concern that there was no post this week (you lot just don't care do you?), with the exception of one text I received. No, I haven't crashed Eric, and yes, I am still alive (not that any of you could give a hoot...).

If you have never been late for something, and have never mis-spelled anything (perhaps you're using a spell checker, hey Ian...) you are clearly perfect, and should leave a perfect comment.

If you appreciate that sometimes there are more important things than writing a load of old rubbish that no one reads or cares about (like sleep), why not just go and do something else, and not bother leaving a comment (guess we'll see if a bit of reverse psychology works).

Quote of the Week: (and I have to say, there were several to choose from this week) 'Will Andy be staying here tonight' said Amy in a text at 1120pm, obviously having alot of faith that Michael and I would replace the bumper so that I could drive home...

Oh dear, another unremarkable week...

First off, I have to say that comments were rather sparse last week. Until 'Struddy' left a last minute comment today, FaceBook was the only comment. Wake up guys - FaceBook are going to start storming ahead with their comments! I know last week's post was pretty poor, but look at the material I have to workl with - my life!!!

And I am pleased to report that this week has been - dull. In fact, you can all stop reading here, nothing ammusing is going to happen. Go on, clear off the lot of you! Go and do some work - even that will be more entertaining than anything I've got to say.

What? Why are you still reading? Oh, alright, I'll carry on writing. Let me see...

Well, this was my first week with my new motorbike. Having had a great day on it on Sunday, and filled with optimism and confidence, I drove it to work. Not being terribly awake in the morning, I left the roundabout, and just opened the metaphorical taps. I worked up through the six gears, and I glance down at the speedometer. I've just left the roundabout, and I chuckle in shock. 70mph. I'd only just left the roundabout. On Tuesday evening, I went to TS Sturdy in Chichester. Not being 100% comfortable with riding that distance, I took Ernie. For some reason, Ernie seemed to be accelerating really slowly...

I'd love to say that I rode Eric (my bike) all week, but that would be a lie. For when I woke up on Wednesday morning, an amazing thing happened. I was ill. Again! It must be working with school children. This is the third time I've had to have a day of work. It drives me mad!!! I'm beginning to fear that my colleagues (and bosses) will think that I take regular 'sickies'. I crawled into work on Thursday, still as sick as a parrot. It seemed as though everyone was asking me one of two questions: 1 - are you feeling better (bless 'em, they're a caring lot) - no; 2 - did you come on the bike - no, I'm having balance problems, it didn't seem like a good idea.

Having said that, although I'm still not 100%, I am okay now, and I even went out on the bike over thge weekend. Just as I think I'm going to be getting back on the bike again, I fear that one hell of a storm is about to come through. As I'm still relatively new on the bike, I said that I would take the car if the weather looked like it was going to turn really ugly (yes, like me). I'm not a fairweather rider, but whilst I'm still getting back to grips with a bike, it just feels sensible. Sorry about that.

Lastly, before we all give up the will to live (and I still can't believe you're still reading - have you got nothing better to do?), I will just tell you that I have gained another qualification. I am now a National Smallbore Rifle Association (NSRA) YPS Air Rifle Instructor. Woohoo! I can now instruct young people how to assault a target with a deadly weapon... That sounds like just the sort of skill that children from Lancing need!

If you made it this far, why not leave a comment (so that I know there are people with sader lives than me).

If you made it this far, you may have lost the will to live. Remember - life goes one.

Quote of the week: 'You're always critising me' argued a student with his teacher, after the teacher has sujested some ways to improve the work. Duh - that's the teachers job you pillock! (that quote of the week may get me fired...)

I'd like to introduce you to...

Once again, I find myself cramming in another blog post, after an evening of beaver-like effort on some NTC work. For the last 6 hours, I have been solidly and furiously laptopping away. But hey-ho, the Corps' brand new E-mail system now works (I hope). Only a few more nights of boring myself to tears, and the website will be up and running. What an exciting person I am...

Only a short post this week. On the one hand, I apologise for a short post (but I need to sleep somewhen, and I have work in the morining). In the other hand, you'll all be able to get back to something more worth while a bit quicker.

Before I go any further, I think I need to apologise. Someone text me on Monday evening, and I think they were offended, and felt that I had not enjoyed an evening out. I don't know who it was, and I thought I had replied. But they haven't replied to me - guess I've annoyed someone else.

On Monday evening, I met up with Michael, for some casual post-birthday drinks. Whilst we were out, Michael asked me if I had read my blog lately. Well I right the flippin' thing, so I don't think that there's a need for me to read it. The observant readers amongst you will have seen a special meassage put up by my best friend, on my Birthday. Thanks Michael, I think...

You avid FaceBookers out there may have noticed something very unusal this week. I updated my status twice. This is because I've had two exciting events. On Thursday night, I was officially promoted to the rank of Commander in the Nautical Training Corps, as part of my new position of Adventure Activities Director. Now I know that sound really exciting, but at the moment, it just involves me writing regulations, and streamlining paperwork - very adventurous...

Having said that, National Council meetings are always a laugh. Quite how an organisation can keep running with a group of people like that falling asleep, and ignoring each other, I don't know. On the bright side, there are some useful people on National Council (long may they stay).

Saturday night was TS Intrepid NTC's first awards evenining in five years. It was so long ago that we last had an awards night, I won a trophy! The evening went off without a hitch, and I'm glad that we had it planned to a fine art... not. But no one noticed, and it was an enjoyable evening. I think a highlight may have been when I did a little performance. But there have been threats of putting it on YouTube, so we'll wait and see.

Finally, and most excitingly of all, is the result of last week's blog. You may remember that I said I was buying a second vehicle - and what a vehicle. 44 break horse power, 447cc, 6-speed gear box, and standing quater mile in less than 5 seconds. All sounds pretty tasty. And it is! I am now the very proud owner of one classic 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL, and a classic 1989 Honda CB450 DX!

[I'd love to show you a photo of my new bike, but my sodding phone doesn't want to let me - ARGHH!]

I usually use aliteration when I name my vehicles (where both words start with the same letters), but an exception has been made for my brand new bike (well sort of). One of my favourite comedy duos is Morcombe and Wise, or otherwise known as Eric and Ernie. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I present to you, Eric Morcombe, the Motorbike. I've ridden him about today, and I have to say, I was nervous about it. I haven't ridden a bike in over two years, and Eric is much larger than my old Hongdou was. But what can I say - just like riding a bike really (well, duh, it is a bike).

Some of my older readers may remember an old TV show called 'CHiPs'. At home (bearing in mind Mum and Dad both ride bikes too), we're thinking that Eric definatly has a CHiPs flavour to him... And may I also say that, despite being 19 years old, he is incredibly quick. Dad drove him home for me, whilst I followed in Ernie. With Ernie's accelerator ground into the floor, I just couldn't keep up! It's also exceptionally quick from standing - exceptionally.

Finally, before I crawl into bed, this bike doesn't have very large handle for passengers to hold onto. So, I'm thinking, when I choose to transport a beautiful lady on my bike (or can I call it my chopper...?), she'll have to hold onto me... (he said with childish, teenage nod).

If you are thinking of some childish comment that insults my 'classic' vehicles, that somehow relates to them being a comedy duo, why not leave a comment (on someone else's blog that cares...).

If you are an attractive lady, and would like a ride on my chopper, why not leave a comment... Well, it's got to be a worth a try!

Quote of the week: 'So, will the Safety Regulations change?' asked one very old Regional Commander at the National Council meeting, just after I've spent 20 minutes explaining how I need and want to change the Safety Regulations...

Song of the Month: Take Her Back. Pidgeon Detectives.