That was a CLASS assembley...

Only a short post this week, as I have another YouTube video treat for you all.

I can not let this week slip by, without some reference, somewhere, of this week's class assembly at school (there's a double, ironic meaning in 'class'). Now, this was nothing to do with me (in fact, I have managed to avoid having anything to do with any class assembly (except for watching some of them - some of them are pretty good!). Granted, our school only has a few class assemblies each year (enough for each class), but none of my classes have been involved with any (thank goodness, they just look like a large ammount of stress!).

So anyway, back to the task at hand. This particular teacher is infamous amongst the staff for producing (how can I say crap, without upsetting anyone's feelings?) slightly substandard assemblies. With that sort of a build up, how could I miss it? Perhaps I should have heeded myu colleague's warnings...

Bearing in mind that a class assembly is supposed to be around 25 minutes long, check out this amazing schedule...

5 minutes - introduction and 'interviews' with children of various sports.
10 minutes - a 10 year old's take on strictly come dancing (which was basically an excuse for the girls to dance about on stage - that was teadious after the third or fourth performance).
5 minutes - what they did for Sport Relief - Ah ha - here comes the point of the assembly, and undoubtable the end.
2 minutes - film from Sport Relief to show who is helped by Sport Relief money - nice touch to finish.
5 minutes - more 'interviews' with children, this time who have raised money by doing different sports. Okay, beginning to drag a little now.
3 minutes - a display of - wrestling. That's right, wrestling. In a school where we don't even allow play fighting. And I say wrestling, what I actually mean to say is general unrehearsed play thuggery. Some of the children were pretending to bash each others' skulls in with mini white boards! - I have never felt so cringeworthy, want to crawl out of my skin, uncomfortable in my life!
3 minutes - another display. This time of gymnastics. The first girl did a cartwheel - straight off the stage. Okay, maybe that was planned, but she didn't land well exactly, and I thought she was going to break her ankle, and take out several of the year 4 children watching.
3 minutes - just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water - more dancing. Obviously, we hadn't been bored out our skulls enough earlier on - this time ballet.
3 minutes - sport relate joke telling. Some of them were quite funny (if only they'd practiced not ruining the punchlines...)
4 minutes - all about how sport brings people together - ah so another end meaning to the assembly. Thank goodness, this must be the end. But no...
2 minutes - group sing song of (cringing just that little bit more) - You'll Never Walk Alone. Oh God. Could they have picked a more depressing, slow, and out of tune song.

For the mathematically aware amongst you, that's right - a 25 minute assembly (as stressful as it was) that lasted - 45 f**k**g minutes. It was torture. Don't get me wrong, the kids did well and all that, but how could the teacher let that happen? It was such a terrible experience, I had to go the staff room afterwards, and get a sugary drink (Ribena).

The boss, to his credit, was able to stand up at the end of the assembly, and say a few words. He praised the children, and thanked them, and explained that he had ('fortunatly' he said, although the staff all picked up the subtle sarcasm there) only missed the first 5 mins. He went onto explain that he had to pick up a minibus, and he had trouble with the alarm. He had feared he might end up in n Worthing nick. As he said this, I imagine several staff members muttered 'I wish I had been in Worthing Police Station...' (lord knows I did).

I really did feel physically ill after that assembly. Not just because of the content, but also from the point of view as an adult allowing these poor children to see this awful assembly. Ye gadds...

Now, to the real reason for this post, and the thing that allows me to finish 'Hunt for Red October' in peace. The new YouTube video. I have to frontload this a little. I know that I have prattled on about my amazing Ford Escort for the past few weeks, but I promise to stop for a while. But, with the new foglights (and locks) I really felt that Ernie had been refitted. So, in Star Trek fashion, I decide to make a short film. Even if you're not a Star Trek fan, I'm sure you'll find this ammusing. If you are a Star Trek fan, just think Star Trek: The Motion Picture (the Enterprise leaves Dry Dock).

LAUNCH OF THE ENTER-SCORT!

(If you can't see the above, click here).

See you all next week. Don't forget to comment on YouTube!

If you remember your school assemblies, why not leave a comment, and say that you are aged 16 year or under.

If you don't remeber your school assemblies, why not leave a comment, and say that you are aged over 21...

If you are aged between 16 and 21, you probably can't be bothered to leave a comment. What am I saying? Most people can't be bothered anyway...

Quote of the Week: 'At least the children enjoyed it,' said the boss in the staffroom, whilst we were all moaniung about the assembly. To which I replied 'Well done for finding the positive...'.