Sunday, March 25, 2007

Only joking!

It's a good job you don't pay to read this. This week is certainly worthy of a refund, as yet again, I have had another slow and boring week. So, if you'll take a heavy dose of caffeine, and try and stay awake, I shall begin... (oh boy)

The week started with my monthly night off. Last month I went to climbing club at University, and then spent some time up the bar (with free drinks for driving). This month, being the terribly exciting person that I am, I spent my evening... working at the Adult Education office. For free. Unlike Sainsbury's, I enjoy working there, and to be perfectly honest, I had nothing better to do. How interesting am I?

As if things weren't bad enough, this week's main story comes from the dark grizzely depths that are... (intake of breath)

SAINSBURY'S (typed with dramatic thunderclap in background for a bit of dramatic effect. If you didn't imagine a thunderclap when you read that, please go back and read it again...)

After enduring an excrutiating four hours (that seemed more like 8) on Wednesday night, I returned for an encore on Thursday evening. Oh I just love working there... But what really gets my goat about working at Sainsbury's is that when people put in the effort, nobody cares. Now I'm not talking about my effort. Hell no. I learned along time ago that putting in any effort at Sainsbury's is a waste of time. You can do a half-assed job and still get the same praise.

No, I am talking about a friend of mine. A trolley-wally with a difference. He looks like a normal average idiot, but he's actually very bright and witty. For some weeks he has been off work with a bad leg, but he has made that extra effort, and despite still having a very dodgy knee was out Thursday night pushing trolleys around. I admire the committment to truely awful managers. He was struggling a bit, so my supervisor asked me to go out and help him. That evening, I spent an hour-and-a-half outside helping him.

When I went back inside, the supervisor had the cheek to complain about him. Wished that he would go home, and just take sick leave, claiming it would be more efficient. I thought about that, and actually, by being at work, Gerry at had cut the costs to the company by two-thirds (costing just £7.80 instead of £22.20). Of course I felt the need to make my point to the mall minded supervisor.

On a similar line, that same small minded supervisor then asked me to do overtime during Easter. For the exact reason above (no-one appreciating any effort) I never do overtime. I refuse to help them out over and above my contract. So you can understand why I just continued to laugh when the supervisor tried to persuade me to do overtime to 'help the company', 'to help the team', because she knew how much I wanted to be a 'team member'. What a load of old clap-trap. Because of this, I have started a new section at the bottom of the blog. The weekly excuse for not doing overtime.

To finish that night of incompetence off at Sainsbury's, the very same supervisor then pointed to some carrier bags of food, and asked me to take them out and throw them away. So, she's the boss, and I did. I then went back to the checkouts, and another member of staff asked if I had seen a couple of carrier bags. I replied with a quizzical look on my face: 'What, the tw carrier bags I just threw in the skip?'

This is where we get to explaining this week's title. When I confronted my supervisor about the poor lady's shopping that I had to recover from the skip, Wendy replied: 'Oh you didn't! I was only joking!' Yeah right. What an idiot.

Well that's it. Another eye-gougingly boring week out the way. Please give me something to write about this week. But not bad stuff (be careful what you wish for...).

If you think that my blog is getting worse and worse, and that you could do a better job, why not leave a comment starting with the word 'moron'.

If you think that it is the effort that counts, why not (after throwing away any applications forms for Sainsbury's) leave a message starting with the word 'antidisestablishmentarianism'.

Quote of the Week: 'In Wales, they say the sun is like a fox. I can't remember why though,' said Tabs quizzically in the deceptivly cold sunshine on Monday.

TV Quote of the Week: 'I can handle you driving like a p*ss-head, and treating women like bean bags. But I'm going to say this only once: STAY OUT OF CAMBERWICK GREEN!' DI Sam Tyler, Life On Mars. BBC1, Tuesdays at 9pm (repeated this Tuesday at 10pm on BBC3).

Reason-for-not-doing-overtime of the week: 'I try to stay away from overtime - it gives me a rash!'

Sunday, March 18, 2007

What a polite car thief...

Oh boy. What a dull week.

The week started with me and a friend at Uni giving a presentation for Psychology. What a great presentation – on self-efficacy. Yay… (sorry, sarcasm doesn’t travel that well in text). If you’ve ever seen a student presentation (or a presentation by any young person), you’ll know how jaw-droppingly boring they are. But I like to think that my presentations are a little different…
I like presentations. Well giving them anyway, listening to them is pretty dull...


After a bit of banter with everyone’s favourite lecturer, and insulting a few students, our presentation was pretty upbeat. Although we lost a lot of momentum when we actually started to talk about self-efficacy, no-one fell asleep. We were also the first presentation this year to get some questions from students afterwards (which means someone was listening…). I like giving presentations. Big thanks have to go to Paul Tyler who taught me everything I know (although that’s not much in fairness).
Not everyone was excited as me about giving our presentation - Phil, my presentation 'buddy'.


Now, I may have had a pretty dull week (topping off with an equally dull Regional Band practice on Sunday. Oh boy was I in trouble with Mum for being out on Mother’s Day. Big trouble….), but, many of my friends and family have had a bit more going on. So let’s use other people this week for a few cheap laughs instead of me!

Last weekend, Holly had her car broken into. What a laugh that is, I hear you cry with equal sarcasm. Well no. But there are some things about the break-in that are a little bizarre. The thieve(s) (who come from the Newbury area) ‘broke into’ the car, without leaving a scratch. The guy or guys then pulled out Holly’s stereo without leaving a mark. The thief then took any other valuables like her phone, and a credit card.

Now, you’d think that would be enough wouldn’t you? But for some reason, unknown to me, or Holly, or just about anyone else, they also stole a set of jump leads, and a Haynes manual. A Haynes manual for a car they didn’t steal. Although stupid, this criminal was still polite. Because they didn’t want anyone else to break-in, or steal Holly’s car, they left it locked for her. How nice of them…

So, if you live in the Newbury area, and someone offers you a car stereo, a set of jump leads, and a Haynes manual for a Vauxhall Corsa, give the Police a ring. Hang on a minute… Where would you go if you wanted a car stereo, a Haynes manual, and a set of jump leads? Halfords of course! So that’s it. Hol, I’ve solved the mystery. It was a manager from Halfords that must have stolen your gear. They must have had a stock problem…

My highlight of the week was when my brother went to hospital. That sounds harsh, but as I told Ian’s manager this week (at Sainsbury’s) he’s 18, a pain in the backside, and a pillock. Ian has a funny toe that grows wrong. To sort it out, the doctors of Worthing & Southlands hospital decided to break his toe, and put a metal pin in it. Job done.

All this week, Ian has had to sit with his foot raised. Some of you may remember me making certain… accusations about his sexuality. And this week has only added more evidence. With his injured foot in bundles of bandage, Ian has to wear one of those special blue surgical shoes (like people wear over plaster casts). Of course, they just aren’t ‘cool’. So Ian sewed the pattern of one of his trainers into the shoe, so they matched (although the colour was wrong).

I have to admit, that’s pretty cool. Although I’m not sure whether blokes should be sewing… But the part of this story that really makes Ian a bit… well odd, is that he unpicked the sewing. Because he decided to wear a different pair of trainers. And they no longer matched. I’m sure many of my female readers are saying that is perfectly reasonable. But don’t forget, I am talking about my brother.

Oh dear…

Well that was my (and other’s) week. How was your week? Share with us your tales of wo so that we can all have a good laugh. God knows, if this week was anything like last week, I’m gonna need some entertainment.

If you have stolen a car stereo, a Haynes manual, and a set of jump leads recently, why not leave a comment with your name, address, telephone number, and a reason (goodness only know we have no idea).

If you have an interesting anecdote about this week, please, please, PLEASE leave it. I get so bored…

Quote of the week: “Bang me, Bang me!” Holly said to me this week, whilst making a lot of very odd noises. I feel I should explain this one to you, but I’d much rather leave it to your collective warped imaginations…

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The beginning of the end of CATCOUK



It would appear that this is the beginning of the end of my humble blog. On the week when ratings fall to an all time low (with 0 comments), I actually have to start this week's with... a... g... goo... not bad thing to say about Sainsbury's. I can't believe it. This could very well be the end of CATCOUK... Ratings fall to the lowest on record - 0 comments.

This week at Sainsbury's, I actually had a pleasant week. It would appear that after 2 years, 3 months, and 2 weeks of constant complaining, and aggrevating supervisiors, someone has actually listened to me! I like pushing trolleys around in the car park. Many of you may think that strange, but think about it. Fresh air, exercise (of which I am in desperate need), thinking about the most efficient collecting trolleys from different bays, and most importantly - no management to get on my nerves. Therefore (and I can't believe I'm typing this), I have to thank Wendy who does the schedules for putting me out on trolleys all week. [Shaking head of disbelief]

As hard as many of you may find this to believe, I am not your average trolley wally. When I put my mind to it, I can get the job done very quickly. Obviously I try to avoid this, or a supervisor may drag me back in to sit on a checkout, or stack shelves. It's kind of a code of practice for all guys that work on the trolleys.

So anyway, on Thursday evening, the guy on before me had done a smashing job, and I was left with 4 hours to kill, and not an awful lot of trolleys to park. At different times, I dipped into the store to do odd jobs (like collect baskets etc). One time, I decided to empty the advert bin (this is wear all the inserts from the Radio Times [amongst others] get thrown when they fall out). We use a blue Sainsbury's basket (maybe you've seen them, or you have one).

Because of the leaflets size, we can't throw them in our bailer for recycling - they just fall out. So this box has to be taken to the far end of the car park, and tipped into a paper recycling skip. Normally you have to post all of the paper through a slot in the side, but this particular skip has a gouge in the top. So I always up end this box over the top, and let the paper fall out. Everytime I do this, I always worry about dropping the box into the skip, but normally the paper falls out very quickly - bing bang bosh. Job done. But not tonight. Can anyone guess what's coming next?

That's right. One thing lead to another, and the box was sitting at the bottom of the skip. Usually the skip is nearly full at this time of the week. So I climbed up on the box, and peered inside to see if I could retrieve my lost bin. In usual CATCOUK style, nothing is ever easy, and the bin was empty - all the long way to the bottom.

I could have easily got in there, but getting out would have required climbing expertise so good, that I wouldn't need to work at Sainsbury's. Not wanting to go back in, and admit my mistake, I went to my trusty side kick car, and got out my trekking pole, a rope, and an elastic bungee cords with hooks on each end. I then spent the best part of 5 minutes retrieving the damned box. I leave it to your imagination how I got the box back, or how far the bungee cord stretched when weighted down by the half full of paper bin. Marvellous.

Lastly, I feel the need to point out what high quality tutors we have at the University of Chichester. In our final lecture of the week, I found a balloon. The lecturer (Hodgo - or Chris Hodgson [which is out nickname for him]) felt that he needed to ruin our volley-ballon-ball fun by taking it away. In a desperate grasp for humour, Hodgo drew a 'Coley' face on the balloon. Coley is a most feared lecturer (although not by me) in the school of PE. It was an angry face. Ian 'Coley' Coleman - feared by all. But not me, I just answerback to his sarcastic remarks.

The other interesting think about Ian Coleman, is that all the lecturers are scared of him as well (whether they admit it or not). I wonder what Coley would think of Chris' impression of him. I might send him an E-mail... Also, it is worth saying that immediatly after this, Chris drew on the white-board in permanent marker. Something else to mention in that E-mail...

If you would like Monday mornings back (or whenever you choose to read this dribble) and would like to see the end of CATCOUK, don't leave a message [again].

If you think that CATCOUK is worth keeping, before taking psychological medication you should leave a message.

Quote of the week: 'Oh... good,' said a bemused trolley wally after foolishly dropping a plastic box full of paper into a skip. What a dimwit.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

I bet dragons can swim

Harah! I have returned from the Brecon Beacons in time to write this week's blog.

As with all mountain ranges, in the Brecon Beacons there is a little bit of rain. Well, when I say a little bit of rain, I mean a LOT of rain. When I picked up my friends from Chichester, I was wearing sun glasses, a hawaiian shirt, and everything was glorious. When we arrived at a very quet campsite (more on that later) it was persisting down with rain. Which made pitching the tents very interesting.

Of my accommodation on that night, I will say this - it was very luxurious. It had running water and everything. And an indoor water feature! Those of you that know anything about camping, will know that as desirable as these features are in houses, this is all bad news in a tent. I soaked up as much water as I could with a towel, but I still spent the evening balancing carefully on two roll mats, hoping not to fall in a pool of water overnight. Lovely.

Of course my tent was better than Becs'. Hers was so water logged that she asked to sleep in the car. Unlike my tent, Becs' tent wasn't big enough to have more than one option to sleep in. So her only option was to sleep in my car. Typical isn't it. Even Ernie has now slept with more women than I have. Cheers pal.

Now Saturday was a very nice day. For the Brecon Beacons. Sunshine for alot of the day, rain for some of the day, and 'Sminty' hail for the rest of the time. We called it 'Sminty' hail, because each bit of hail was the size of a Smint thing. They only hurt a little.

Indeed, the next day, in 30-40 mph winds and heavy rain, on the top of a mountain (Fan Y Big) the rain felt like tiny nails hitting us. Unsuprisingly, even our £300-a-pop water proof jackets couldn't withstand the punishment. All four of us were soaking by the time we collapsed into my ever trusty car: Ernie.

That's right, my car logged another weekend away. This time, the round trip totalled to 555 miles, with a normal cruising speed of 80. Damn I love my car. The whole point of the weekend was to log some Mountain days so that we can be Mountaineers, but I have decided to keep a logbook for my car as well. This weekend, my car can definatly claim some good mountain days on the roads. Well they were cold and wet enough any way. Ernie was glad to arrive back in Sussex, I could almost feel him relax.

I suppose I had better explain this week's title. With the ammount of rain up in the Beacons, it was almost possible to swim and/or Kayak down some of the paths. Now, from the Welsh flag, everyone knows that dragons live there somewhere, and if they live near Brecin, then surely they must be able to swim. My goodness it was wet.

Finally, it wouldn't be right to end this week's post with going for the sympathy vote. I was ill this week with flu (although I believe I am supposed to call it man flu). I got back home from Uni on Tuesday, and crashed on my bed, and pretty much slept until Thursday morning, when I dragged myself up to go back to Uni. I phoned in ill to Sainsbury's, because I most definatly couldn't work. I had almost passed out in the car driving home. Although I went to Uni on Thursday, I still didn't go to work. I needed to be better, so that I could go to Wales the next day!

If you think that I should stop winging, and enjoy having time off work, why not leave a comment saying that I am a wimp.

If you think that I was brave (possibly daft) driving 555 miles and trekking over the Brecon Beacons, whilst recovering from man flu, why not leave a comment telling me about it.

Quote of the week: "Ahh - so the Alps is short for the Al-Pennines" said my incredibly stupid brother after claiming that the Pennines are in the South of France. Pillock.

Song of the Month: Bobby Darin - Don't Rain on my Parade

DEDICATED TO BARRY 'THE BARMAN' LEWIS
1953 - 2007


Another dedicated Lions member taken by Cancer. Your loss will be felt for many months, but you had one hell of a send-off!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Advanced Notice

Hello All.

CATCOUK may be late getting onto your Computer screens this week, as I am going walking in the Brecon Beacons. Hopefully, your normal CATCOUK fix will be ready by Tuesday morning.

Thanks for reading...