Week 7: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Howday y'all!

This week, has probably been the most exciting week yet in the States. And this week's title is very literal, in the sense that is acurately describes my week. Well, almost. So the train was technically last week, when Jordan and I hopped on the choo-choo to Philly. But the rest were definitely this week.

From a work point of view, the competency of the leaders coming with Scouts definitely dropped. We have written in the leader guides, we tell people at a meeting, and I even tell the class on the evening before: YOU MUST PROVIDE TRANSPORT. So the first day of sailing, and we have just about enough transport for the Scouts, but not for me or my assistant. So Giraffel (my asst. had to drive). What makes me mad though, is that one of the trucks had two adults in (where only one was needed), and the truck had another seat they weren't using. Dullards.

This was compounded by the other sailing crew. Two of them, both as dull as cod. Honestly, they could have fallen asleep and been more interesting. They are also the first crew that I haven't invited to have ice cream. I just couldn't spend any more time in their presence!
I have to also say, that this week was the first week that sailing made the front page of our troop evaluations (well, last week's). This is a good thing. But we didn't just get written in there once, but FIVE TIMES! The first time we are on the front page, and it happens multiple times! One said that, and I quote ‘Sailing is awesome – and so is Andy!!!’ Brilliant. This week's 'evals' were just an excuse to write my name or my department on a piece of paper.


Although we had to drive ourselves this week, it did allow us to get some stuff from the store. Last year, I purchased an American 'Cell Phone' from a 'dollar store'. It cost $10, so I thought, 'What the hey, why not?' After 7 weeks in the US, I have finally used my free 20 units. When I went to buy new airtime, the cheapest was $20 for 60 units. Considering that I had only used 20 units, it made sense for me to just get another new 'cell phone'. So I have! Despite these stupidly low prices, they do try and squeeze all the money they can out of you. I get charged (and apparently this is normal in the US) to receive calls, as well as make them. That really annoys me.


But nevermind, for people are being very open about letting me drive their cars this year. Jordan let me drive his Jeep back from the 'Rail road' station last week, and Todd let me drive his car to the ice cream shop and back. Todd's car is still my favourite 'normal' car. I'm not sure that anything can beat the 'Suburban'. But Todd is a great guy, and he is kind of the camp's very own superhero. In fact, Superman wear's Todd Warner pajamas. But I digress. For, as well as letting me drive his car, Todd also let me pilot his PLANE! That's right everybody - I went flying this weekend with Todd! He was even kind enough to use a plane... Me, flying with Todd - he was a little tired, so he decided to use the plane instead. Todd and I standing by his plane, the Piper Archer, N2245W.

The weather was good enough for us to get to fly around, but we weren't able to stay up for as long as we would have like. The weather closed in a little, and Todd didn't want an 'exciting landing'. Apparently, some people call those a crash!!! But it was a good 90 minute flight. We flew over camp, and over the lake that I sail on. We nearly hit a glider, and a plane nearly hit us, but it was an enjoyable flght. And Todd's landing was near perfect. Not bad really, he's only been flying for 2 years. Todd's plane in it's hangar - we had to pull it out by hand, and it wasn't even very heavy (whuch would be a good thing for a plane)

Todd let me fly the plane, a 1979 Piper Archer, along the Delaware river, and I was at the controls for about 20 minutes. It was awesome, and much more difficult than I ever thought a plane would be. But I guess that I'm just used to a big commercial aircraft that moves very little. With this new experience, I have now driven a vehicle at a faster speed than ever before! We were flying (air speed) at 115 knots (around 120-125mph). And that's also a new heght record for me to drive at, we flew at 3000ft.

Me at the controls - contain yourself ladies, I know that it's just like a scene from Top Gun...

The controls that I had to play with - how about this for irony, Todd was able to fly on his (left) side of the plane, just like in a car, and I was able to drive on the right side of the plane, just like a car. Why can't cars be like that?

Thanks Todd, it was an awesome day. And to follow it up, we ate at Chick-Fill-A, a delicious chicken based fast food restaurant. And y'all know how much I like my chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce! Delicious.

Lastly, my Nan (or Grandmother if you have to speak American) had her 88th birthday this week (at least I think she's 88 - I could be wrong). Obviously, being here, I wasn't able to see her on her birthday. So what better way to send a cheery birthday message than with a video. But not just any video. How about a video of 100 American staff member Scouts singing happy birthday, the only way they know how? Voila - one birthday video. You can see it too, on YouTube by clicking here.

Well that was my week. This weekend I'm going to cross the State line into New Jersey to see my friends from Scout Troop 29. I can't wait to see those guys again.

If you are a fan of Top Gun, and are offended by my comparson to it, why not leave a comment telling me that I'm far taller than Tom Cruise.

If you are a fan of Top Gun, but are now an even bigger fan of me, and you are young, attractive and female, why not leave a comment telling me that I'm far taller than Tom Cruise (you might also want to include your phone number...).

Quote of the Week: '[Sigh] Looks like we'll be talking again this evening' said Kevin, our first year Scout (Dan Beard Program) Director, when I informed him that one of his staff members had told Scouts that you can find North by looking at the moon, and that a map and compass is useless in the woods. Sorry Kevin.

Week Six: Golf cart fun!

Welcome to another thrilling installment of CATCOUK, live from the United States of America. I have to start this week, with an exclusive announcement. The United States once again recognises the authority of Her Majesty the Queen. For the time being, I am accepting the position of Supreme Governor of the US, until the Foreign Office dispatches someone to relieve me. How did this all happen, I hear you cry. Well read on and find out...

This week has been pretty good. Well, it started pretty good. We took 10 kids through their sailing merit badge this week, bringing our seasonal average up to 6.5 Scouts a week. Once again, this brings our weekly average to more than 100% of my department's capacity. At this moment in time, I have a further 8 this coming week.

The camp has a couple of golf carts for various people. Most prominently, the Camp Director, and the Health Lodge (whose cart is known effectionatly as the 'Am-boo-boo-lance'). On Tuesday, I needed to transport a couple of cots (camp beds) to the Lenape campsite. Lenape is farthest away from everything. It's about 30 million miles out from the rest of camp. Naturally, I wasn't going to struggle all that way with two wooden cots, so I asked to borrow Bill's Golf Cart. He said that he didn't have a problem with it, so I carried on.

When I went to stop at the equipment shed, I misjudged the brakes a little, and pulled a very Starsky & Hutch style skidding turn and stop on the loose gravel. I did this, unintentionally, right in front of a whole class of an Eagle department merit badge. The whole class stopped, and turned around to look at me, wide open mouthed like fish. Then one kid said 'That was so cool!', shortly followed by the other 30 kids jeering. It did feel pretty cool.

I also had to pick up a cot from another campsite. Instead of folding it up, I decided to just rest in accross the length of the cart. This worked pretty well, except that I now had a huge blind spot. I didn't run over any small Scouts, but I did hit a small tree stump. That was uncomfortable. To end the day off, the Health Officer tried to race me in the 'boo-boo-lance'. It was a futile effort, as my cart was much faster (newer batteries), but they cheated, and the climbing director pulled their cart past ours. Cheats.

Following this, the less competent Camp Director told me that I was banned from Golf Carts. This I have taken with a pinch of salt, as he has far less safety practices than I. He drove in the pitch black of night, with no lights, and a camping adult standing on the back. And because he couldn't see where he was going, he drove under a low branch, and knocked the leader off the back. Idiot.

This weekend, Jordan and I went on a train. That's right, a TRAIN. My first trip on an American train. It was interesting. Many different characters. But I have to say, for all of the US's technological advancements, I was suprised at how backwards the train network was. Everything on the train was manual. Each carriage had to have a man operating it. There weren't even computerised tickets. But we had a great day out in Philadelphia (if not a very warm day).

Also, I have had complaints about a lack of photos. Well, yeah, I haven't been taking many. But here is a photo that I have taken.

Why am I wearing a Hawaiian shirt? Because it's Friday!!!

Finally, how did I become Supreme Governor of the US. Before we left on Saturday, as always, we had a closing ceremony, which includes lowering the US flag. We were lined up ready to marvh on as the staff, when I realised that the only directors we had, was our unconfident ecology, our very old doctor (medical advisor), and one of our Asst. Program Directors. As he sucks at parade offers, I offered to march on the staff, in the absence of other people. I marched on, and I realised that I would be taking the salute. Oh well, we'll deal with it. But it wasn't until they were lowering the flag that I would also be receiving the American flag.

Okay, so this was akward. They were about to retire the American flag, in front of 700 people, to an English bloke. One of our small, but excpetionally competent staff members came to present the folded flag, and you could see his eyes widen as he saw who he was reporting to. He came up to me, and asked unsure, 'So, am I giving this to you?'

Equally unsure, 'I... I guess so' I replied. So I took the flag, and marched off holding it as best as I had been told. The Americans are very picky about how their flag is carried. Despite being the only person I have seen attenpt to carry it off correctly, I think I held the flag upside down. Bummer. But never mind. I guess as the US have presented me with their flag, they have surrended. Jolly good!

If you would like to be Supreme Governor of America, why not leave a message, addressed to the UK foreign office.

If you think that I have made an error, why not leave a message, addressed to the US State department.

Quote of the Week: 'If you'll look out of the window, you'll see the boat of professionalism sailing away' gestured one of our competent Asst. Camp Directors, Terry, at the Sunday night leaders meeting, as the meeting ended in many a joke, and hilarity. It was funny.

Week Five: I can't think of any more titles that begin Welcome Back

Hello to one and all. First off the bat, I need to straighten a few things out. I'm not very good at making sure that my comments get answers when they ask something. So I'm going to do that first. Either I used the term 'CIT' or one of my comments did. The term CIT refers to a 14 year-old staff member, that is a 'Councellor In Training'. Sorted.

I also feel a strong urge to point out that having more clocks in camp is a rediculous idea, and Nick is still a bit bizarre. No matter how many comments you leave Nick, it will not chnage the fact that people could just buy a watch, instead of demanding more clocks around camp. Just keep looking for toads in the breezeway...

So, this week has seen me clawing back at my department's seasonal average. Last year, despite having a capacity of 6 Scouts, the sailing department ended the year with an average of 7.2 Scouts per week. Last week we only had 2 Scouts, and I need to start getting that average up again (for the pride and fine tradition of the Corpulent Porpoise). So this week, we took 8 Scouts through their Small Boat Sailing Merit Badge. If I can get another 8 through this week, I'm back up to an average of 6 a week!

The rest of this week, just like the rest if camp so far, has gone swimmingly well. A few complaints, but nothing too serious or repetitive. Alas, we realised this week that there is trouble on the horizon. Just like last year, when I was doing site assignments, Asst. Camp Director Nick found that we have more campers coming in a few weeks than we have beds for. Oh dear... Fortunatly we have a plan, and once again, the camp will be very crowded, but program will continue. Unfortunatly, the plan involves moving staff members from their accomodation. It's a logical plan, I just wish the camp would tell the staff members involved...

But the week hasn't all been great ice cream whilst sailing, followed by stress and frustration. I did infact have some fun with my friends at the Health Lodge, Bridget and Pat. One evening, I was in the dining hall, when a Scout walked in, not wearing anything but a towel. The camp has a dress code for the dining hall, and oddly enough, more than a towel is required. So, myself and other staff members challenged the Scout. He said that he needed to use the toilet, as he had diaheorra. Obviously we let him in.

As fellow commissioner Nick phoned into the Health Lodge, annoncing 'Code Brown', we waited for the Scout to come out so we could escort him to the Health Lodge. The Scout came out looking very healthy, and it was then that I started to piece the evidence together. As the Scout was getting changed in his tent, it dawned on me. Young looking Scout (most likely first year), and it's Tuesday. Well, most first year Scouts don't like the idea of using the latrines (where you do you business into a fancy looking, but fowl smelling hole in the ground). By Tuesday, it becomes time for nature to take it's course. The kid didn't have the runs, he just hadn't been in several days!

As the Scout casually hung his swimming shorts out to dry, I said that he should bring them with him, as we escorted him to Health Lodge. Making him carry them at arms length the entire way, we walked into the Health Lodge with him. At this point, the nurse, Bridget took one look at us, and started screaming at us. 'You made him carry those all the way accross camp?!?!?!' If they were really dirty, you don't really want to be spreading contaminant. As Nick and I tried to bolt, Bridget chased after us angrily. I explained the situation, and she started laughing.

In the meantime, Pat has placed the shorts in a plastic bag, and has now come tearing out of the Health Lodge, proceeding to hit Nick and I. Eventually, we stop laughing long enough to explain the situation. I hope that taught the Scout a lesson about using latrines, and lying - A Scout is Honest!

Finally, I discovered this weekend that I can get 15% discount at the local outdoor equipment store. They give this discount to students, and they accepted my UK National Union of Students card. Good news. Last weekend, my long lasting €35 'walking shoes' from France gave up. The soles started to peel off, and the apoxy resin is only just holding. Having said that, I only bought the things because I forgot my boots when I went on a three day expedition in Fontainbleu in 2006. They were cheap, and have lasted rediculously well. So, I need new shoes for Uni is September, may as well get them now. As it turns out, it was damn cheap. $60 (roughly £30) saw me get new Merrell approach shoes. The cheapest I've seen them back home is £45-£50. The climbing gear here is cheap as well. It looks like I'll need to find some luggage room.

Well that's been my week in the US. On a couple of a personal notes: Siobhan, that looked both disgusting and painful; Michael, best of luck, and I need to speak to you soon.

If you like to play practical 'code brown' jokes on people, you might want to leave a comment asking for profesional help.

If you don't enjoy playing practical 'code brown' jokes on people, you may wish to leave a comment telling us how sick we all are!

Quote of the Week: 'I don't want any witnesses!' said Bill (the boss) menacingly, as Program Director Joe, Commssioner 'Girly Scream' Nick, and I discussed how we would remove some brown bats.

Week Four: Welcome back to the Boy Scouts

This has certainly been an interesting week. I was almost tempted to title this post ‘the talented Mr. Clarke’, but I felt that that was too egotistical. As you know, I am the camp’s Sailing Director, and I’m also a Commissioner (basically a one man customer services department). But at the beginning of this week, I took on another role: replacement Archery Director.

I didn’t really mind taking over at the Archery range (after all, I am qualified in archery, and it will look cool in my logbook). Having said that, I didn’t realise that I would need to run the range for a day and a half, including running the range whilst the camp’s national inspection went on. So basically, I needed to run the camp’s archery range, that I had only ever seen once before, during the camp’s BIG national inspection. No worries there then…

Well, we did pass the inspection with flying colours, so the three departments that I was responsible for didn’t fail. I can’t say that it was all hard work though. The shooting sports director, an older guy who tells blue jokes and is affectionately known as Mr. A, let me drive up and down from the range. He has a broken ankle, so that makes driving difficult. As you all know, I love driving, so you would think that that would make me excited enough. Add to this, that the shooting sports range is only accessible by a very sketchy road that traverses the side of a mountain. Heck, one side of part of the road is a near sheer drop down to the creek. One wrong turn there, and it would be good night Vienna.

Furthermore, the guess what sort of car it is? That’s right – my favourite American vehicle, a mk VIII (8) Suburban (still the only car technically large enough to eat another car – whole). This is the ‘shooting sports ‘burban’, and dates back to 1974. I love cars of the 1970’s, and I especially love mk VIII Suburbans. This particular Suburban is not road legal any more, and some, what some will call… quirks? Mr. A has told me that he’s afraid that he’ll stamp on the brakes one day, and the cabin will slide off of the rusty chassis. Also, the exhaust pipe is split halfway, so it sounds like an absolute beast. The exhaust fumes also get filtered through the cabin. So the passengers may get some fine filtered fumes (I guess it’s like a petrol head’s drug or something). Because of the filtering effect, I guess it’s also the most harmless American car to the planet…

So after all the fun of driving a huge American off road fortress on wheels, down the smallest, most dangerous road on the face of the planet, the rest of the week couldn’t really get better. Well, it didn’t, but some other fun stuff happened to. Last week, my fellow commissioner, Nick, received a comment that there aren’t enough clocks around camp. Now, after a sustained period of laughter, my response, and just about every other sane person’s response was: ‘Just buy a watch!’ Well, many people heard about this, and the thought escalated to: ‘a clock on every tree’, ‘every clock should be a cuckoo clock’, ‘there should be some of those freaky cat eye clocks too’.

Following this, we have made fun off, taken the mickey out, and just generally annoyed Nick all week. Until this week, on Thursday we had our leaders meeting. Our boss, Bill, asked the camp if there were enough clocks around camp. The answer from the Scoutmasters was unanimously yes. Everyone that knew about the situation, except Nick who vehemently supports the idea, was gob smacked. JUST BUY A FRIGGIN’ WATCH!

But hey ho, one of our Asst. Camp Directors, Nick (different from previous commissioner Nick) has now bought commish Nick a ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ clock. He will now be receiving radio calls asking for the time. He must reply with ‘Sponge Bob says…’. Oh we are going to have some fun!

I spent this weekend at someone’s home! For the first time in 27 days, I actually slept in a bed. A real bed, not a dodgy camp cot. But most interestingly, the family were really nice, and helped me out immensely. Including lending me some shoes when the soles peeled off of mine (they also epoxied my soles back on). Moreover, I had my first real ‘Philly Cheese Steak’ (basically sliced beef steak in a small baguette with cheese sause), and a Slurpee (icy flavoured drink?). How American I have been this week. Also, despite the boss banning me from wearing my cowboy hat (as seen in ‘Andiana Jones’), I wore it Friday afternoon while he was off site. Yeehaw!

If only I had gone hand gun shooting this week, I couldn’t have been much more American! Yet despite this, Friday was still the 4th July. Although that doesn’t mean much to most people (other than it’s no longer 3rd July), apparently it’s a big day in the states. Despite all of my Americanism this week, the boss said ‘I don’t want Andy involved [with the Independence Day celebrations]’. I’m not sure if I should be insulted or not.

Finally, and I suppose there’s almost a segway there, the reason for the title of this post. Welcome back to the Boy Scouts. I have had to put up with so much administrative bull this week it’s untrue. I was almost ready to kill someone Thursday night, so it’s a good job Asst. Camp Director Nick offered some of us virgin piña colada (basically no alcohol) when he did. Mind you, someone did tell me once that 2 thirds of the BSA is BS. Ain’t that the truth…

If you thought this post was just thrown together with no particular order (and you’d be right), why not leave a comment telling me to practice more.

If you thought that this post was perfectly coherent, you don’t read right!

Quote of the Week: ‘So, with that accent, which state do you come from?’ I was asked of a young Scout, before replying with ‘Alabama’. Idiot.

Tune of the Month: Mistress Mabel. The Fratellis (in support of someone over here actually hearing of a UK band – thank you Zach!)