Welcome to CATCOUK

Want a free drink? Read on...

Yes, CATCOUK is, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, now being broadcast on Facebook. Don't know what that is? It's an excuse for students to waste their time on the internet, uploading, downloading, viewing, and commenting on photos, and writing childish messages to each other. Yep, that's right, it's Bebo/ MySpace all over again. But that explains the title. And what about that free drink? Read on...

This week, a couple of things have been going on. We kicked off the week, with my brother's 18th Birthday. We celebrated this fact by filling me brother's 05 plate New Vauxhall Astra with... balloons! My brother, Ian, celebrated his 18th by trying to get seriously drunk, and having a bit of a bender. By 1015pm, he'd thrown up and rung home for help. Light weight. I'm not good with my drink, but I've never been home that early!

Ian like's balloons. That's right, he REALLY LIKES balloons...

This week, certain... aspects of my brother have 'come out'. For starters, he drove down to Gun Wharf Quays, and spent £420 on clothes. Just clothes. Obviously this is a little suspect. Many of my friends asked if he was... batting for the other team. Later in the week, I went down stairs to find him watching TV. Watching Project Catwalk, on TV. Make your own decisions about that one...

Later on in the week, another small event happened. On Thursday 22nd February, 100 years of Scouting was celebrated. It was also my 20th Birthday. In recent years, I have begun to hate my birthday. Not because I am getting old, but because it is a reminder that I have spent yet another year alone, and that I am still clinically useless when it comes to women (but I definatly don't watch Project Catwalk if you get my drift). So, as usual, I tried to keep my birthday on the quiet. Unsuccessfully.

Pick a card, any card. Now that is alot of cards.

This year, my wonderful friends reminded that I may not be in a relationship, but I am most definatly not alone. We started off the day at Uni, and we were planting 300 trees to undo the carbon emmissions from our flight to Lanzarote. It was a soaking wet day, yet many of my friends didn't let me forget it was my birthday. I had handfuls of birthday cards, and a balloon! Previously, my friend Michael (who wrote this a blog a few weeks back) had given me a radio controlled Dukes of Hazzard car (with working sound effects).

Go Whistle Dixie - a model of the Dukes' 1969 Dodge Charger - with working light and sound!

Wow! I have never had such a great birthday in all my life. Honestly, I mean that. Thanks mostly to the efforts of my friend Holly (with the helium balloon). Of course (little did I know it), my day didn't end there. I had been invited to an Adventure Ed house party in the evening.

So, after work, at about 1030pm, I turned up to Kerry's house. Expecting a house party, I hadn't bothered changing. The party's theme was 'Stone age', and as Sainsbury's management ethos is from there, I saw no problems. Also, I was prepared for an hour and half's quick in, out, and home by half midnight. And then the door opened...

Happy 20th Andy! How did I not even remotely guess at this...

SUPRISE! How I hadn't even guessed at what I would see I don't know, but Kerry had organised a suprise birthday party in my honour, with many of my Adventure Ed friends there. I simply couldn't believe it. A suprise party for me? Unbelievable. But the most unbelievable chapter of my 20th Birhtday was, amazingly, yet to come.

Earlier on, when Holly had handed me my Birthday card, and balloon (all highly unexpected) she said to wait for the present that she got me. And she had said this with a very wry smile. I was understandably a little concerned. When the hipe of welcoming me to my own suprise party was over, Holly handed me my present. This is what the suspicious pink bag looked like:

The best things come in small packages? What about suspicious pink bags?

I opened the bag carefully, to find my present. Some of my older reader's may recognise the bag, or may even be able to make out the writing on the bag (all of which I had missed - well I'm innocent). Never before had I been completely speechless for so long. In the bag was... a red PVC thong from Ann Summers (an Adult Shop).

TO GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE. I saw this and thought of you...

Holly had been at an Ann Summers party on Friday. She said she saw this item, and thought of me. Not many people know, but I am a bit of a fan of Star Trek (well quite a large fan). When Holly saw my bedroom, and my Star Trek books the other week (she was 'round looking at a Kayak), she had cottoned on to my like of Star Trek. Oh dear me...

Well, I don't get emotional very often, but that was truthfully the best birthday that I have ever had. Huge thanks go out to Holly and Kerry who put in alot of effort to make my day as special as it was, as well as to all my friends that helped me realise that I am not alone. Thanks guys, I really did appreciate it. Enough emotional rubbish. Back to normal next week, I promise.

Oh, and about that free drink. I just wanted to give as many people on Facebook a chance to read an edition of CATCOUK. Sorry, there is no free drink. You can see more photos from my birthday, as well as the final chapter in my trip to Lanzarote at CATCOUK2 (catcouk.bebo.com).

If you think I am sad, and really should get a life, why not leave a comment (or write on my Facebook wall) telling me to man up a bit.

If you'd like to see me in my new item of clothing (and it didn't cost me £420), why not leave a message, and say that you have a sick bucket near by. (For your information, I did take a photo, but it really was to bad to put anywhere near the public...)

Quote of the week: "If you havn't won, you've lost... basically." This from Xtreme Paul (XP for short), the man who blurted 'BIRMINGHAM!' when asked about where there might be a place with a 10m tide. Pillock.

Welcome back to Blighty!

Okay, so I've been back in jolly ol' Britain for a couple of weeks, but from a CATCOUK perspective, this is my first blog from England for a while. I must say, it's really nice to be back. And what a great week I've had:

Wednesday I took my new Kayak up the river Arun. Of course it had rained heavily the night before. And that morning. Oh yes, it had rained. And rained. And rained a bit more. So that little river Arun was very VERY high (the banks had broken in places), and the water was running like the Zambezi. I kind of decided that it wasn't a day for rolling and capsize drills, as the majority of the water was cow poo and wee, where it had washed off of the fields (it was a yummy colour).

That of course was when my lovely week ended. The radio in the car had been wrapped up in Brits hipe, and my day had generally been pretty good. But damn my friends if they aren't good at blowing my week apart. Louise text me, wishing me a 'Happy Valentines Day'. Thanks very much you cow!

Yes, Valentine's Day. The wonderful day in the year we people in a relationship are reminded to show their love for each other by buying cheap tacky cards, and even tackier presents. It also reminds single blokes like me what a depressingly lonely life I lead. So yes thanks Lou, appreciate it. What better way to complete this day from hell? Why go to Sainsbury's of course! But better than a usual night at work, we have a new stroppy supervisor. Yippee! 'I will have the last laugh' she said. 'There'll be no more slacking round here. I'll have you boys all multi-tasking from now on.' Brilliant. Well I do like a challenge, and she will be broken!

So I get home, relax with a can of coke, and watch the TV. Check my phone (I don't know why I don't learn), and Holly text me. 'Jibba Jabba [something about project work]. Oh and by the way, Happy Valentines!' ARGHHHHHHH...

Thursday morning, and this is usually a good day. Valentine's day has passed, and it is a beautiful (think the Truman Show) morning. Add to the fact that only two letters came in the post, and both were for me!!! HA HA! Things are looking up! The first letter is all about a meeting at Uni. And the second letter...

I should have known. I should have known. The second letter read (briefly): "Hello Mr. Clarke. Please give us £80. If you don't pay by Wednesday next week, we'll send some baliffs 'round, or take you to court (and not to buy beds)." Jolly good. Basically, these conmen want me to pay £80 because I parked in a private car park without clearly displaying a valid permit. Obviously most people would be pretty upset about this. However, the 'private car park' this company were talking about was at the University of Chichester. I have a valid permit for my Uni!

When I tried to phone them, it got a damned computer preaching to me. 'If your parking ticket has a barcode on it, dial 1. If your ticket is hand-written, dial 2.' Well I never got a parking ticket, and there was no third option. I went to Uni, and they have no contact details for this cowboy operation. Brilliant. Just bloomin' brilliant!

Holly suggested I go to court. She said it's fun. Well, she said the same about alcohol, and that wasn't fun. So I am now trying to contest a parking ticket I never got. All communication has to be by post, and with Royal Mail, that could take 4, 5, 6... years. So, I'm probably going to court, for a crime I don't think I committed. Michael - you couldn't put that team together again could you?

Well, on that note, it's time for bed. If I havn't been arrested by this time next week, I'm sure I'll give you an update.

If you've got £80 to get rid of, why not phone County Parking Enforcement Agency Ltd., and quote reference number CP00261068.

If you work for County Parking Enforcement Agency Ltd., please please PLEASE get in contact. I don't want to go to court.

Quote of the week: 'I didn't realise you were such a geek' said Holly, admiring the size of my... Star Trek book collection.

A brief note (which will make a nice change)

I have added a new video to CATCOUK2. It is the Lanzarote Job, and is supposed to be like the intro to the Italian Job. Well, I did my best to put the background music in. If you strain your ears, you can just hear Matt Munro, 'On Days Like These...'. Thanks to Hannah for recording it, and thanks to Lanzarote's transport people for building such a fun road!

See the new video at catcouk.bebo.com.

Now onto this week's post...

And it all went down hill from there

Thursday morning rolled around, and we had now completed our first week in Lanzarote. I was up early that morning so that I could see the lecturers off, and some new friends from the Science Teaching course. Well, I had to make sure they all got on the plane! Holly also joined me that morning, and we all went to the airport. Holly needed to pick up her 200 Euro hire car (a Ford Focus or equivalent). I make a note of how much she paid for her hire car, as I too was due to pick up a car later on in the day.

Anyways, Holly met the 'rep' from the company. Unlike all of the other companies (Avis, National... etc), this company didn't have a desk. We had to meet the rep, who then took us into the car park. It all seemed pretty dodgy to me. In fact I was ready for the woman to pull a gun on us, and demand all our money! In the end, we picked up Holly's Ford Focus or Equivalent (in this case, it was the Equivalent - a Kia Cerrato), and sped out the Airport. Not becuase we feared the gun-toting rep, but because Holly is a mad driver. I didn't make the mistake of sitting in the front of her car again that week (far safer in the back...).

As I said, I was also due to pick up my own hire car. I had searched far and wide to find a dodgy bloke that would lend me a car (as you have to be over 21 to hire a car, and I'm only 19), and I had found 'Montanas y Cars'! The office of this place was a basement underneath a restaraunt (already sounds dodgy), and as I went down the steps, I'll admit I though 'Oh my goodness, I'm going to get mugged and raped...' Of course no one would want to rape me, I'm far too ugly.

Sure enough, in the office, was Michael (no not Michael who had previously broken me out of jail) a German with interesting facial hair. Now I wouldn't say that it wasn't above board, but I'm too young (and he knew this), and he never asked to see my paper driving license (which again is a legal requirement). 100 Euros later, and I was the proud renter of my very own Opel Corsa - Carlos the Corsa! White (shows the rust) 5-door, with colour coded bumpers! When Michael had handed me the keys, he had said to me (please imagine this is a Russian accent - it makes him sound more dodgy) 'It is an old car. Has many, many scratches. If you scratch it - do not worry!' On the outside the car actually looked pretty neat (see CATCOUK2 for pictures), but the inside was sandy, muddy, and a complete tip! Lovely. Well the car went and the radio worked. What more could I want?

For the rest of the week, I drove people around (for petrol money) which was great! I love driving, and I didn't have to plan anything all week! At this point I have to apologise. When I set petrol prices, I failed to take into account Lanzarote's petrol prices (which were half UK prices). I had never meant to make a profit, but in the first week I spent 100E, whilst in the second week, I only spent 20E. Sorry.

Bearing in mind that I paid half of what Holly had paid for her two week old Kia (which, despite being a Kia, was lovely), my car was still great! It had a revolutionary air conditioning system that allowed air (and a hand) in through the top of the drivers door, whilst fully closed! It was great for those hot sunny days. Less funny during the tropical rain storm though (yes, it did happen). Of course, not having driven for a week, Carlos felt fast! That was until I got back to Blighty, and drove Ernie again, and realised my 1986 Escort was a Formula 1 car!

Many of my friends suggested I 'rag' poor old Carlos the Corsa (that is to say throw it around). But I kept telling them that if I loved a car, it would love me back (and not breakdown) - and this car needed ALOT of love! So much so, that when we went surfing on Friday, I took some time to clean thge inside of the car with 'Multi Usos' spray. But of course by the end of the week, I was doing handbrake turns (my first ever I add), and I was redlining the rev counter. Alot.

Side line story: Batman (or Simon if you must), Thom, and Guy decided to rebuild their room, and make a fort (like we used to when we were kids and bored). Again, see CATCOUK2 for photos! That night was a rave, and many people went to bed around 6/7am. When Thom woke up in the afternoon, stark naked face down on the floor, he found a pile of neatly pressed towels next to him. Yes that's right! The cleaner had been in. I'd have paid good money to see her face when she opened up to find their 'Fortress', and Thom on the floor!

Sunday night, many people were feeling (understandably) delicate from the night before. Holly and Kat had booked out a TV, and we saw on the Sky News headlines that Top Gear had screen the Richard Hammond crash! We'd all forgotten. Panic soon spread around the group. But fortunatly my Mum had remembered, and got my brother to record it. We all relaxed, didn't bother getting the repeat on Tuesday recorded, as we had a recording. Little did I know that my brother was incapable of using a video recorded, for when I got back, I found that my retard of a brother had, instead of recording an hour of Top Gear, recorded an hour of static - on the wrong chuffin' channel! What an idiot. (Thank goodness for BBC3!)

Monday night was Karaoke, and I had been challenged to drink 5 bottles of Cider (Strongbow). Yes, by 12 o'clock, several badly sung songs later - I was drunk! For the first time in my life. I only drank 1 ltr of 5.2% Strongbow in 2 hours, but when you think I don't drink, that's not bad. When I got to bed, and rested my head on my pillow (yes my pillow, on my own - unfortunatly, but I didn't want any funky Spanish diseases) the room span! Wahay! I slept well that night.

Well, I couldn't really finish this post, with out a little 'Holiday 2007' message to all of you. NEVER TRAVEL WITH FIRST CHOICE AIRWAYS - THEY'RE CONNING SO AND SO's. On the way out to Lanzarote, we had 20kg for baggage. On the way back, they felt it necessary to reduce this to 15. But we could buy extra kilos for 9Euros each! Obviously everyone panicked. I ended up taking loads of stuff out of my bag, and clipping it, hanging it, stuffing it on the inside of my jacket. Hence the final pictures on my Bebo. I even had a cheese and ham sandwich under my sombrero!

Before I get done for liable, no one was charged in the end. Sensible really, as they had 30 very unhappy students breathing fire down their necks! But it did cause alot of stress. I had three trainers full of stuff in my bag from someone else (that I nearly forgot to give back at Gatwick). Other people were taking wetsuits, clothes, first aid kits - you name it.

Normal service resumes next week. Don't forget to keep looking at CATCOUK2 for my holiday snaps. I will be adding them over the week, so if they're not all there now, please check back later in the week.

If you think that I should of wasted my hire car, and that my driving is girly, why not leave me a comment suggesting that I paint my car pink.

If you think that I was right to treat my car with some respect (well, for most of the week), why not leave me a comment telling me that you drive an older car too.

Quote of the week: 'Look Holly! My boobs are almost as big as yours!' blurted a drunken Maz with ballons down her top.

Guess who's back...

It's been a long two weeks, but I have finally returned from gruelling University work in La-la-Lanzarote. First off, I need to thank Michael and Ian for taking care of y'all these past few weeks. I managed to escape the Spanish law, and return home with my gummi bears!

I know have a great problem, in as much as I have no idea how to express the last two weeks so that you can all appreciate it as much as I did. But why change the format of a life time. I'll start off by complaining, and how even on a good day, a giant seagull in the sky can still poo poo on me from high!

Thursday 18th January, 4.30 am. It is a cold wet, overcast dark morning at Gatwick's North terminal. Having never travelled by air before (that's right, I was a plane virgin - no, I'd never flown with Virgin either), I had no idea what was going on. I got a boarding card, and started heading through security.

After being molested by an old bloke looking for my metal belt buckle, and having my new can of deoderant taken, I wondered through expecting to see the delights of the 'duty free'. Of course it's now 5am, and nothing is open. Even worse, is that we are all told that the breakfasts we had booked on the plane had been lost at the travel agents, and we wouldn't get fed.

Lovely. I then spent my first flight feeling very sick (you know that sort of sck that you get when you know you should have eaten breakfast). But I have nearly forgotten to mention my first take off. Only 4 or 5 planes departed out of Gatwick that morning. The weather forced most other flights up until about 4pm to be grounded. So we took off in some very bad weather. But I knew no difference. The plane rotated back for take off, and when it dropped suddenly (like a roller coaster), I thought nothing of it. Well, that was until one of my friends started screaming and hyperventilating. The plane (and Airbus A321) kept rising and falling all the way through take off for a couple of minutes, and then it was fairly smooth for the next eye-gougingly boring 4 hours. Afterwards I discovered that was the roughest take-off my friends had ever experienced!

We eventually rolled up to the hotel at 10.30am (UK time is the same as Lanzarote time). After the stress of the flight, all I wanted was a sandwich, and to chill out in my room. Unfortunatly, they were cleaning our room. I went back at noon (like the hotel asked) to get the key, and they were still cleaning! Our room was the last to be prepared, and we eventually were allowed in at 3pm! There are reasons why I hate going on holiday.

Anyways, after Thursdays, everything else was pretty good. By Saturday night though, there was bound to be something else. Our lecturers took us on a trip through a lava tube (or cave if you prefer). The cave was 3 km long, and three groups were going to walk through it. The bus dropped off one group at one end, and then took us other two groups to the far end. Manuel (the driver) would then wait there for the first group, and then drive round and meet us at the bottom. Simple plan? You would have thought so wouldn't you.

We emmerged from the cave 2 hours later, and went to the road to meet the bus. The bus wasn't there, but that was to be expected, the other group might be a bit slower than us. After 45 minutes, in the dark, and now cold evening, things were starting to get less funny. Complaints and questions were being asked of Manuel. We tried to phone the lecturer with the first group, but with no luck. Where was the bus and the other group. Had the bus driver given up on us, and gone home? Had the bus broken down? Had Manuel forgotten about us?

No. We walked along the road to get back to the drop off point. Manuel and the bus were still there, with the engine running, but no sign of the other group! We were just thinking of a search party, when half the group appeared. Apparently one of the lecturers had had some problems, and they were slowing the group down. An hour and a half after we left the lava tube, we eventually left for Carlos' ranch, where we would spend the night.

And there is where my quote of the week comes. As many of my friends will know, I have a very distinctive shirt that I sleep in when I am away. For those of you that don't know, it has the front cover of a hard core porn magazine printed on it. I walked to the loo, when I passed Holly (having a cigarette at the time - give 'em up!). She took one look at my shirt, and blurted out (here it comes):

"Andy, I didn't know you liked naked women!"

Now, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that comment. Was it because I had been her friend for a year, and never made a pass at her? Did she think I was gay? Who knows. I havn't got a clue. I spent the rest of the time in Lanzarote making blue jokes (mainly because I wasn't making them, or hearing them around other NTC officers - Stuart Ginnaw!).

The next day, we travelled to a small island off the North coast of Lanzarote - La Graciosa. For the morning, we hired just about every mountain bike the island has. They were the best mountain bikes that money could hire. On La Graciosa. Needless to say, they were pretty... er... substandard. I had a pretty good bike (compared to others). Saying that though, my back brake didn't work, it was very uncomfortable, and I spent the next 48 hours sitting down very carefully. Afterwards, it felt like I had spent a very drunk weekend in Brighton - you know what I mean. It was also a girl's bike. Thanks for the hire of your helmet though Holly, greatly appreciated!

The rest of the week, we spent doing research, leading up to a 10 minute presentation that I gave at the end of the week. That formed 50% of the mark for this module. At the end of the week, the lecturer's held a quiz (on the night before they flew home). I think they tried to rig the quiz, so that we would get a question right, and then they'd get one right (and so on). They could then run an outlandish tie-break question at the end, which we could win. They of course hadn't figured that I am just as boring as some of the lecturers. I knew how much a coke at the bar cost (2 euros 50). The quiz ended 7 - 2.

Well that's it. This had to be a two-parter. You can see photos from my trip (with Captions) on CATCOUK2 at my Bebo. More photos will get added throughout the week, so keep checking. I also have a video that will get added.

If you think I'm boring, and you'd like to read Michael or Ian every week, you could leave a comment telling me that you hate me, but to be honest, you could just read their blogs: arethosemyfeet.blogspot.com (Mike) / the-mighty-oak.blogspot.com (Ian).

If you're glad to have me back, why not leave comments on Mike and Ian's blogs (but I'd really rather you didn't, as they did a good job whilst I was away).

Quote of the week: Andy! I didn't know you liked naked women!
Song of the month: Mika - Grace Kelly - also current No. 1.

DEDICATED TO EILEEN FAWCETT

A dedicated member of Lancing & Sompting Lions Club, died last week from Cancer.

Poor Kitty! - A suitably Clarke/Cat based post

This week, I Partatio Basin took part in an Ahh... Bisto night and also happened to go to a housewarming of a good friend in Hastings... All went well, although her cat managed to drink some speckled hen and apparently started seeing things.

Anyhoo I saw this....

What a random picture, is it meant to show that now, due to eating "Asda? Complete with chicken, turky and calcium' the cat could now withstand being pelted unsuspectingly with biscuits and a bowel...? It occured to me, in a flash that maybe the image should be accompanied with the slogan "Have you been injured at work?"....

"I was doing a shoot for my new food range when I was savagely crushed by my own bowl... Now I can eat nothing but slush and my back legs have been replaced by wheels..."

"Tiger recieved four whole tins of kitty cat and a reverse parking sensor, with nothing taken from what he was a awarded!"

Result.

So endeth the insight to the mind of Partario P. Basin.