Someone please unlock the door and let me out!

Still here

Not much to report. Conjunctivitis was confirmed by nursey earlier today, now have prescription for eye drops and am really looking forward to a few days of scraping the gunk off my eyelids (and anyone who's suffered from it should know what I mean).

So whilst I am bored silly at work, thought I'd highlight a few things... if you missed Top Gear last night... then WHY???? Anyway, you can see the Hamster's jetcar crash here , click on the link on the right hand side.

And finally, I'm no expert, but I think mother needs to watch what she eats during pregnancy, those spinach tablets had an effect on Junior:

Come back Andy Clarke, all is forgiven (he makes this stuff look easy!).

What am I doing here?!

Apologies about the delay from the standard publishing time of Sunday evening, but I was far too busy watching Top Gear (8 escorts out of five, by the way) and plucking my own nostril hairs to sit down in front of a computer.

Actually I lie, whilst I did watch Top Gear I had actually forgotten Andy's sign in details for his blog account, and my (newer version) of blogger didn't want to accept Andy's invitation to join Catcouk, so I was a bit stuffed really.

Whether or not I spent time plucking my own nostril hairs I shall leave to your imagination.

Well, so here I am, in the strange world of Andy Clarke.

Scary place this, you wouldn't want to come here too often. It's like the slightly strange Uncle that you only see twice a year, and who usually sits in the corner, occasionally making brief unremarkable conversation with various family members who pluck up the courage to approach him.

But anyhow, I digress. I have to say that Michael's story was superb last week, makes me wish I had gone first (Mr Tyler). Also, I was on an Archery Instructors Course for all of last weekend, and could have entertained everyone with the various stories and tales emanating from that (including one of the girl's asking us why we we didn't like her strap on.....), but sadly not only do I have to have to think of something to write about after having a very quiet (and pleasant) weekend to myself doing very little, but I also have to try and reach the new levels of high quality writing set by Michael.

I fear I am doomed before I begin. Come back Mr Clarke, all is forgiven!

I think I shall have to resort to desperate measures (whilst avoiding videos of myself for fear of humiliation, Mr Clarke), and write again later, when something actually mildly exciting happens. Considering that i am at work (software company, yawn!), I think it may only get as exciting as my doctors appointment for possible bacterial conjunctivitis , it may not get exciting anytime soon..... Stay tuned (if you're that desperate)

Ian

Open Channel D...

Location: Lanzarote...
Intl. Grid ref: 4U 2P WC...

Code: D...

Message: I send this report over coded frequency. Me and Ernie are safe and well. The few University friends that know where I am are helping me develop a plan to exhonerate me. I must go. I may have been discovered...

END OF MESSAGE

All Change Please. FREE ANDY CLARKE CAMPAIGN

Firstly, let me apologise for spelling and grammar, it is a cruel mix of several Whisky's and Dyslexia/Dyspraxia.

Well, it has been a whole week now since Andy last posted and you like me are probably wondering how Andrew is doing in Lanzerote right now... So I decided to a little digging of my own and after turning up at Andrews Angmering Base, I noticed that Ernie, His trusty, perhaps slightly rust Escort mkiv had disapeared from its moorings outside the Clarke mansion.... Ah I thought, perhaps it is hidden away in the Catcave, (slightly Batman esque) but no, Catman andthe Catmobile are similarly gone.... but where could they be?

My mind turned suddenly to that of the Catcouk blog, of course he is in Lanzarote, but whats this, somehow, someway he has managed to get Ernie over seas to fuel his foreign escapades.... according to my sources over seas Andy and Earnie were last seen here.

Disaster Struck however when shortly after landing on the island (lets say about an hour and thirty-eight minutes) he was stopped by an angry looking police roadblock. Flagging him down, they ordered him out of the car to the side of the road, after searching the car over, they discovered an exuberant quanitity of Gummy Bears, lodged into the carpet of his beloved Ford... After removing the offending articles, further discoveries were made, a Puff pastry, complete with British Stamp and addressed to Freda Vonhund, Belgium (allegedly by Michael G and D. Wales) stashed to the underside of the driver seat. The quantity of sweet tasty goodness attached to Ernie had landed Andrew in hot water. After a frantic plea by the group leader and to the shock of students following on a mini-bus, Andy was seized by the police and arrested for "Smuggling illegal and illicit produce into the island of Lanzarote".

This picture was sent to me by a concerned witness (via camera phone) and is the last shot we have of Andrew as he was led to the police car and sped away to the location below.

Here the information becomes sketchy at best. All I know from sources inside, is that he was subjected to Tea AND Biscuits, before being offered a full cavity. Maybe I got that the wrong way around. Either way, he was in jail for a crime he didnt commit and there is no way I would stand for that.

I assembled the finest team available; David Mc Phee, Bob Saget and I. I began by ringing the island police station, to confirm Andrews whereabouts. I recieved an angry reply down the phone, in an language I couldn't understand. So I dropped a name, his name. 'Clarke' their was a gasp, some frantic stutering and the line went dead.... after prank calling several times (angers up the blood you see) I heard words that sounded familiar.... "You Little S**T!" "Ah Ha!" I cried, "So you do speak English!" The line went dead again.... I called, the nineth time. This time, he spoke, "Hullo, hullo. English man in prison. will not comment. only sing 80's theme tunes."

I knew it was him. After three bottles of bob and a bitter shandy we sped via bus to Gatwick, there after being subjected to the ritual humiliation of gerning whilst a passport guy holdsup your picture, we were rushed to a plane. Destination Lanzarote!

Here I can see posing on the phone for a photograph, at the departure boards...

As I munched my way through what had once been an Egg and Cress sandwich, my mind wondered again to the blonde in the seat infront, then back to the question, "how can something be 'new' and 'improved' surely its one or the other. Then with a start my mind turned to cornflakes.... How can people be so careless, all over my shoe..... But this gave me a plan.

Looking out through the window I could see the sun, over Lanzarote, I needed a plan. A good one, not just a "Hmm, I'll google 'friend imprisoned for smuggling release' plan. But a decent one. Upon landing I rushed for a phone. "Please let Andy out!" "No." "Please" "No." "Go on, you know you want to." "No, I told you the first time, No!"

Right, diplomacy had failed, so had prank calling it was time for something drastic. something incredible....

Saget and I arrived at the police station, faintly in the breeze I could hear a familiar tune being whistled... Of course! We grouped together, "Mc Phee, I need a flight suit fake mostash fast, Sadget, power tools, piping, a dustbin lid, a tractor, string, superglue, gaffer tape, corrigated iron, black spray paint and Mr. T." Andrew had seen enough of the A Team to know, yeah, it might just work...

Posing as a bakery delivery driver, I grabbed the nearest vehicle I could find, a tray of pasties and a floppy hat...

I sped towards the jail, it was a matter of timing. Lunchtime, perfect. I had to get in there. I strolled up to the desk.... "Pies, sir, pies sir." It worked, he openned the door and led me down the hall to the cells. Below is a survailance photo from a hidden camera, Andy, on the end cell on the left.

Attatched to his pasty was a piece of paper and a moustache, "Courtyard, excerise time 50 star jumps and be ready..." I pushed my finger to my lips and tried to avoid his startled gaze... I really don't wear hats well. We were set. With the exception of Mr T, Mc Phee had got it all. The courtyard was quiet, the police sedated by the taste of warm cornish pasty, bringing on an early knap.... burrowing under the wall, we pushed parts through and began to build, sadly of this I have few pictures. We worked hard, thirty whole minutes, cutting, sticking and gluing it was done. Finished.

Andrew took a step back, and donned his Moustach and flight gear. Time to go. Taking a seat, he pulled the throttle back and with a splutter he spat excess hair from his mouth and press the start button.

With a roar he was off, airbourne, alarms sounding, we were now cleanly away and heading for the van, springing 'Earnie' from the compound we made a dash north, he would only have enough fuel for a short hop to safety. Earnie didn't let us down, tracking him Via Gps, we stashed Earnie safely nearby, devoid of all evidence and after a good hoover.

Here our story ends, Andrew sprung from jail, but a wanted man with Earnie hiding between the warm mountains and a flight for us back home in time for tea and medals. There is a moral. Several. Smuggling is bad, inadvertant or otherwise. You can always rely on your mates to help you out (not always of jail). Gummy Bears are illegal in certain countries. If you are stuck, if nobody else can help, you can always call, on dodgy 80's television to help you out (and for andrew to hum the tune). And finally, in-flight egg and cress sandwiches are not a good idea, nor is Several whisky's and blogger.

How will Andy's adverntures continue? we shall have to find out on his return.

Until then.

Toodle Pip,

Partario.

Wooden Acting

Those of you that know me, will be aware that this will be my last post for a few weeks. On Thursday next week, I go back to Uni. At 3.30am in the morning. To catch a plane to Lanzarote!!! Woohoo! What for?!?!? I hear you all cry. Well for the first week, we will be doing environmental studies (Oh look, there's a Volcano...). In the second week, the lecturers go home, and we all... er... are allowed to do what we like.

But that is next week. Sunshine, temperatures in the mid 20s (centigrade), and generally better weather than Britain! Onto this week. Again, another fairly slow week, with me watching re-runs of Scrubs, Diagnosis Murder, and other assorted TV gems. This was also the week that NTC started back up! Hooray!! At last some jobs to keep me busy...

On Tuesday, my master-carpenter-wannabe brother asked me to help him repair a door at our Nan's house. The door that he and dad had installed 6 months ago. So well installed, that the door was now sticking. Well I say sticking, when I mean that it was impossible to close the door! The letterbox was also leaking rain water...

I confess, I don't know an awful lot about woodwork, so Ian (brother) loaded up the tools that he wanted to complete the job. He decided to take his car, and go seperatly from me, so that he could buy a letter box cover (to replace the unwanted leaky letterbox). This wasn't a problem, as I had a few things I wanted to do myself.

I arrived before Ian, so I opened up, and awaited him to arrive. Eventually, Ian rolled up twenty minutes later with his 'letter box cover'. We went straight out to the offending door, when master-carpenter Ian said just this 'Ahh.' He looked at the letterbox, then looked at me, and asked if I had a screwdriver, as he forgot to pack one. Fortunatly I did have a screwdriver in my car (equipped with everything is my car), and I started taking apart the letterbox.

Ian then began to attack the door with a large file. For those of you that don't know, that isn't the choice weapon of the master carpenter for this job. I gave him a questioning look. 'Oh, I couldn't be bothered to find the wood plane'. I took the old letter box out, and asked for the letter box cover. Ian brought over this article that, I'll admit, first glance looked like exactly the right thing. Then I held it my hands, and it felt exceptionally light for cast iron, but far too light to be plastic.

I read the box, and my fears were confirmed. Ian had bought a porcelain finger plate (the thing that gets screwed onto a door to push it open). I told Ian this, and his expert suggestion was to 'screw it on anyway'. Brilliant. The porcelain bit might have done the job, but I'm pretty sure the meant-for-indoors screws that were supplied would rust pretty quickly, and rot the wooden door from the inside.

So lets recap. Our master-carpenter has so far managed to forget to bring the right tools, bring completely the wrong tools, and suggest we fit a completely inappropriate fitting. This is the sort of thing that we hear about on programs like Watchdog, and Rogue Traders. After a sulk, and a hissing fit at me, Ian eventually accepts my lowly advice, and goes back to the shop and gets the right thing.

Honestly, I don't know about Master Carpenter. The closest he's going to get to chippy, is by working at Wong's deep fry!

Well that's it from me for a while. I'll be back in three weeks, but until then, you'll be looked after some good friends of mine: Ian Emery, writer of TS Sturdy's 'The Mighty Oak'; and radio star from Southern FM, Michael Gates! Be nice to them, and leave them some nice comments.

Until we meet again...

If you're looking forward to someone else taking over my blog, why not leave a message asking that I stay in Lanzarote, starting your comment with the word 'lost'.

If you don't want me to go, why not leave a comment telling me how much you like my blog, starting your message with the word 'illiterate'.

We've hit a rocky patch

Hello once again. You join me at the end of a very long week. With very little to do (no University, no NTC, and [ha ha] no overtime at Sainsbury's) I have been sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Of course there is plenty of overtime going at Sainsbury's, but my response to that the last time I was asked was: 'Actually, I'd rather you drilled an extra hole in my head with a blunt drill...'. I've said it before, and I will say it again, Sainsbury's drives me flammin' BONKERS!

So anyway, all week I have been destroying my mind by dusting off my playstation, and playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (probably inspired by Rob and Alice's Sega last weekend). Although I'm not a fan of all of the law breaking going on, I never fail to be impressed by the amount of work that must have gone on to produce the game. Three cities, stunning countryside views, and so much going on. But I digress...

This week, not having much to talk about other than how much I hate being a checkout operator, and the amazing excitement of a playstation 2, I pulled this out of my reserve draw. A few weeks back, you may remember I visited Rob in his Penthouse (for the first time). On our jaunt out on Sunday, we saw a large set of steps leading up through Crystal Palace Park. And that shouted only one thing to me.

ROCKY!

It's especially good timing, as the New Rocky Barboa film is in the process of being released around about now. I know nothing about Rocky (having never seen any of the movies - they make me feel fat, I mean fatter), but the one thing I have picked up (other than the fact that Rocly is a boxer), is that he ran up some steps. So this is my take on it.

You can see my Rocky video on my Bebo: catcouk.bebo.com.

Also, in my efforts to keep this an entertaining blog, I also did some entertainment work. I recently purchased the new 'Dukes of Hazzard' movie on DVD, for the pricely sum of £3.35 (okay so working for Sainsbury's does have some advantages). Anyways, I liked the old shows (yes another old TV show that I enjoy), and I was ready for a disappoinment (like Starsky & Hutch). Yet I was amazed. What a great movie, what a great car, and yes, what a great looking woman!

But the all important rating that everyone wants to know. Forget Jonathen Ross, or other film reviews, it's the all important CATCOUK Escort scale:

The 'New' Dukes of Hazzard movies scores (imagine a drum roll if you please)...

4.5 Escorts out of 5!
A great movie, and must see for any fans of the old show, and fans of cars, and any fans of women. I would say that this movie is a grown up version of the TV show - definatly not one to show the kids.

That's all folks. See you next week!

If you think that I'm weird for liking old TV shows, why not leave a comment starting your message with the word 'geek'.

If you liked my Rocky film, why not leave a comment starting your message with the word 'idiot'.

A Day Late, but HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year! I spent this year's New Year's Eve away from home (hence no blog), and I was once again in a top London apartment with Rob, and this time with his fiance Alice. We had thought about going into London, to watch the fireworks at the Millennium Eye. Unfortunatly, we had just been outside, and none of us had brought Scuba Diving gear with us. So with the rain being what it was, we decided to stay in Rob and Alice's penthouse instead.

The evening was going swell, until it turned into a scene from blazing saddles. After all the fizzy drinks, and build of gas, it was inevitable. Farts left, right and centre. As the picture below quite clearly illustrates, we very nearly had to dial 999 with a build up of toxic gas.

Strong winds hamper New Years celebrations...

As the evening progressed, and we recovered from the effects of a gas attack, we had to move on to entertaining ourselves. For more than an hour, us crazy young people rebelled and played a risky game of... wait for it... pictionary! 70 fun minutes later, my team had lost the game, and our punishment was shots. Of course I don't really drink, so whilst my team mate went to the loo, we agreed to swap my shot for WATER! Drink up Jos...

To waste away the final hours of 2006, we played on Rob and Alice's Christmas present - a Sega Megadrive!!! (well a rip-off from Boots...). The grahics of Sonic the Hedgehog havn't changed in the 70 years since Sega first released the Megadrive, but that didn't deter us. By the end of the weekend, Rob and Scott had got quite into it (well Rob was swearing at the TV screen when Sonic started to drown).

SEGA! As video games go, it is ironically similar sounding to SAGA!

Lastly, you all need to know that for Christmas I got a large blue Penguin! Also, I have an I.O.U. for a tow bar for my car (wait with anticipation for the pictures later on).

P-P-P-Pick up a Penguin. Well you try and think of a Penguin related pun...

Well that's it from me. Hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas in Santa's sack, and I wish you all the very best of luck for 2007.

If you think I am strange for owning a large blue penguin, why not leave a comment, starting your message with 'Graham Norton'.

If you think that my penguin is cool, why not leave a comment telling me how cool it is.