All Change Please. FREE ANDY CLARKE CAMPAIGN

Firstly, let me apologise for spelling and grammar, it is a cruel mix of several Whisky's and Dyslexia/Dyspraxia.

Well, it has been a whole week now since Andy last posted and you like me are probably wondering how Andrew is doing in Lanzerote right now... So I decided to a little digging of my own and after turning up at Andrews Angmering Base, I noticed that Ernie, His trusty, perhaps slightly rust Escort mkiv had disapeared from its moorings outside the Clarke mansion.... Ah I thought, perhaps it is hidden away in the Catcave, (slightly Batman esque) but no, Catman andthe Catmobile are similarly gone.... but where could they be?

My mind turned suddenly to that of the Catcouk blog, of course he is in Lanzarote, but whats this, somehow, someway he has managed to get Ernie over seas to fuel his foreign escapades.... according to my sources over seas Andy and Earnie were last seen here.

Disaster Struck however when shortly after landing on the island (lets say about an hour and thirty-eight minutes) he was stopped by an angry looking police roadblock. Flagging him down, they ordered him out of the car to the side of the road, after searching the car over, they discovered an exuberant quanitity of Gummy Bears, lodged into the carpet of his beloved Ford... After removing the offending articles, further discoveries were made, a Puff pastry, complete with British Stamp and addressed to Freda Vonhund, Belgium (allegedly by Michael G and D. Wales) stashed to the underside of the driver seat. The quantity of sweet tasty goodness attached to Ernie had landed Andrew in hot water. After a frantic plea by the group leader and to the shock of students following on a mini-bus, Andy was seized by the police and arrested for "Smuggling illegal and illicit produce into the island of Lanzarote".

This picture was sent to me by a concerned witness (via camera phone) and is the last shot we have of Andrew as he was led to the police car and sped away to the location below.

Here the information becomes sketchy at best. All I know from sources inside, is that he was subjected to Tea AND Biscuits, before being offered a full cavity. Maybe I got that the wrong way around. Either way, he was in jail for a crime he didnt commit and there is no way I would stand for that.

I assembled the finest team available; David Mc Phee, Bob Saget and I. I began by ringing the island police station, to confirm Andrews whereabouts. I recieved an angry reply down the phone, in an language I couldn't understand. So I dropped a name, his name. 'Clarke' their was a gasp, some frantic stutering and the line went dead.... after prank calling several times (angers up the blood you see) I heard words that sounded familiar.... "You Little S**T!" "Ah Ha!" I cried, "So you do speak English!" The line went dead again.... I called, the nineth time. This time, he spoke, "Hullo, hullo. English man in prison. will not comment. only sing 80's theme tunes."

I knew it was him. After three bottles of bob and a bitter shandy we sped via bus to Gatwick, there after being subjected to the ritual humiliation of gerning whilst a passport guy holdsup your picture, we were rushed to a plane. Destination Lanzarote!

Here I can see posing on the phone for a photograph, at the departure boards...

As I munched my way through what had once been an Egg and Cress sandwich, my mind wondered again to the blonde in the seat infront, then back to the question, "how can something be 'new' and 'improved' surely its one or the other. Then with a start my mind turned to cornflakes.... How can people be so careless, all over my shoe..... But this gave me a plan.

Looking out through the window I could see the sun, over Lanzarote, I needed a plan. A good one, not just a "Hmm, I'll google 'friend imprisoned for smuggling release' plan. But a decent one. Upon landing I rushed for a phone. "Please let Andy out!" "No." "Please" "No." "Go on, you know you want to." "No, I told you the first time, No!"

Right, diplomacy had failed, so had prank calling it was time for something drastic. something incredible....

Saget and I arrived at the police station, faintly in the breeze I could hear a familiar tune being whistled... Of course! We grouped together, "Mc Phee, I need a flight suit fake mostash fast, Sadget, power tools, piping, a dustbin lid, a tractor, string, superglue, gaffer tape, corrigated iron, black spray paint and Mr. T." Andrew had seen enough of the A Team to know, yeah, it might just work...

Posing as a bakery delivery driver, I grabbed the nearest vehicle I could find, a tray of pasties and a floppy hat...

I sped towards the jail, it was a matter of timing. Lunchtime, perfect. I had to get in there. I strolled up to the desk.... "Pies, sir, pies sir." It worked, he openned the door and led me down the hall to the cells. Below is a survailance photo from a hidden camera, Andy, on the end cell on the left.

Attatched to his pasty was a piece of paper and a moustache, "Courtyard, excerise time 50 star jumps and be ready..." I pushed my finger to my lips and tried to avoid his startled gaze... I really don't wear hats well. We were set. With the exception of Mr T, Mc Phee had got it all. The courtyard was quiet, the police sedated by the taste of warm cornish pasty, bringing on an early knap.... burrowing under the wall, we pushed parts through and began to build, sadly of this I have few pictures. We worked hard, thirty whole minutes, cutting, sticking and gluing it was done. Finished.

Andrew took a step back, and donned his Moustach and flight gear. Time to go. Taking a seat, he pulled the throttle back and with a splutter he spat excess hair from his mouth and press the start button.

With a roar he was off, airbourne, alarms sounding, we were now cleanly away and heading for the van, springing 'Earnie' from the compound we made a dash north, he would only have enough fuel for a short hop to safety. Earnie didn't let us down, tracking him Via Gps, we stashed Earnie safely nearby, devoid of all evidence and after a good hoover.

Here our story ends, Andrew sprung from jail, but a wanted man with Earnie hiding between the warm mountains and a flight for us back home in time for tea and medals. There is a moral. Several. Smuggling is bad, inadvertant or otherwise. You can always rely on your mates to help you out (not always of jail). Gummy Bears are illegal in certain countries. If you are stuck, if nobody else can help, you can always call, on dodgy 80's television to help you out (and for andrew to hum the tune). And finally, in-flight egg and cress sandwiches are not a good idea, nor is Several whisky's and blogger.

How will Andy's adverntures continue? we shall have to find out on his return.

Until then.

Toodle Pip,

Partario.