Why couldn't this week have finished on Thursday afternoon?

Hello all. Time for another delve in to the depths of life being Andy Clarke. This week has been a bit dull. So you'll have to excuse some drastic straw clutching, but bare with me.

Now that I'm back into the swing of things, life has calmed down a little, and I'm back on top. In fact, I arrived home on Thursday with a huge smile on my face. Mind you, it had been an excellent day. I started the day, by spending £830 of TS Intrepid's money on some brand new archery equipment. I then progressed onto nearly getting a Rifle Shooting instructor's course organised, and topped my working day off with another sucessfully blagged Frisbee club. Don't get me wrong, I don't just turn up and make the club up as I go along. But when you have no Frisbees, playing Ultimate Frisbee can be difficult. Taking my inspiration from year's of Mr. Paul Tyler blags, I invented Ulitmate Fr-Netball!

If Thursday had finished there, it would have been a perfect day. But this being a blog, means I can travel back in time, and talk about other boring, completely pointless stuff I've done. Take Tuesday for example. I stepped out of a classroom, to see a child about to try and kill another. Now I know from my training at school, that the best thing to do is put my hands in my pockets, and resist physical contact with children at all costs. Besides which, our Special Needs Coordinator was there. But when she couldn't hold this very angry 9 year old (and boy was he powerful for a 9 year old), I had to step in and restrain him.

This boy did have a sucess later in the week. In a situation, where I would have bet all the money in the world he would have got into the fight, he stepped back. Picked up a phone, and called a member of staff to report the fight. When later asked why he had acted so responsibly, he had said that he had watched a documentary on a man that couldn't control his anger, and killed someone. This boy didn't want to end up like that. Who said TV was bad for kids?

On Wednesday evening, I had to take one of my senior cadets to one of our sister ships, TS Sturdy, for her officer training. On the way there, Michael phoned me. Obviously, as I was drving, I couldn't answer. Fortunatly Gobby (or Crusher, depending on what you want to call her) picked up. And then poor old Michael had to endure 20 minutes of phone conversation with her! In fact, she hads him trapped on the phone all the way from Angmering to Chichester (about 18 miles!). Poor Michael. I hear he is recovering well with the aid of counselling...

On Monday, I got some laughs in a staff meeting. You know me, I'm always desperate for social acceptance, and a bit of attention. In Any Other Business, I raised the issue of missing Frisbees. I said, 'trying to run Frisbee club with out any Frisbees was a real pain in the arse'. Laugh No. 1. The Head Teacher ('the boss') then asked, in fake stun, 'Sorry, pain in the what?'. I replied with my standard 'Oh, don't worry. It's the plural of the letter R!' Laugh No. 2! Ha Ha. Social acceptance at last. Soon I will be able to think that someone likes me. Yay self-esteem...

But as I said earlier, all this merriment could not last. Alas, Thursdays also have evenings, and I went to a meeting. Earlier in the day, some of my Frisbee club members had asked if it was a meeting on how to buy frisbees, or maybe how to look after them, or keep them in a safe place so you don't loose them (cheeky sods...). None of the above, I'm afraid. It was instead, another thrilling National Council meeting.

I've attended NC meetings before, and actually been quite impressed by what goes on. I had heard horror stories. Those stories were realised at this meeting, as a Regional Commander I had not met before bothered to turn up. It's amazing how this one person can turn what can be quite a productive meeting into a menagerie (just imagine animals shouting at the zoo...). He laid into me over National Website and E-mail issues, as well as my Commanding Officer (who I'll support to the edges of the Earth, even if I do have to remind him where they are...) over other issues. What an arrogant, pompus, stuck up, ludite. Did I mention arrogant?

Also on this evening, my afore mention Commanding Officer called me to say that he hadn't been able to put out the Consent Forms that I had asked for. I did my best to get them out, but hey-ho. Just another little stress in my life.

Now I have spent all of this weekend getting the new Corps website ready for release, as well as phoning every CO in the Corps about an American Exchange opportunity, that the NTC nearly cocked up. Still, never mind. Who want's a life anyway?

Tune in next week, to hear some very exciting, non-blog related news. What is it? Well, a blog is a short for Web Log... Oh, I see what that question meant. You'll just have to tune in, and find out next week!

If you couldn't be bothered to read what's written above, it's highly unlikely you're reading this. But if you are, why not leave a comment.

If you did read the above, why not try leaving a comment, like a single solitary human being managed last week!

Quote of the Week: 'And I want you two to write lines, and fill this page. You will write 'I will not draw penises on my arms during class'. Is that understood' said a very aggrevated teacher to two students who had walked into assembly wearing short sleeves, revealing giant penis drawings in their forearms, whilst said teacher and I struggled not to laugh.

What? A post that's on time?

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening (please delete as appropriate) all. I know how shocked you all must be, but here is a CATCOUK post on time!

Everything really has all launched at the same time this year. In previous years, I've been eased back in slowly, with NTC starting a week in, other stuff starting a week later, and university in February. But this year, everything has hit me at the same time! NTC, School (work), Adult Education work... it all adds up. I didn't know where I was last week.

This week, I had a whole evening off! Monday night was our first band night of the year. I was actually quite impressed. Not many people had practiced since our last band night a month ago (since we take the instruments in over Christmas, which makes practicing difficult). Despite this, the band (now 21 big, with a few people missing) still held a tune reasonably well.

Tuesday night was Sturdy Band. I don't have to tow their trailer home any more, as Mark now finishes his taxi job slightly ealier so he can do it. That was handy this week, as it meant I could write some lesson plans (and make handouts). I really am a thoroughly exciting person, and I'm not even a teacher yet! Imagine how dull I'll be then...

On Wednesday I assisted my Year 7 colleagues with a pre-visit to Lodge Hill camp. For the past few years, I have always felt that Year 7 could do with a residential trip, and last year Jez had told me he was toying with the idea of holding a camp. Well, as he is the Year 7 leader this year, it's actually happenning. As I was walking around (and being quite impressed by the activities), I began to think that I didn't want to go to America. I can't attend the Year 6 residential (Broadstone Warren) again, and I'm going to miss this fantastic camp. Then I came back to my sesnses.

On the evening, I had to go back to TS Sturdy, so that on of my junior officers could do some of her Petty Officer's training. They were doing circuit training. Whew - I tell you, just watching them all running around made me feel dizzy and out of breath. It was a good job they had some sweets their for me to eat...

Thursday, I had an evening off. So I went out a bourght a book case for my room (well really a load of shelves in a moveable case so that I haven't got to nail anything to the walls). I don't really have any tools, so I had to go out and buy some. So, armed with a £7.99 tool set from Sainsbury's, I set to work assembling my first piece of flat pack furniture.

Now I am sure that we are all aware of the stigma surrounding flat pack furniture, but in rather a Top Gear fashion - How hard could it be? I opened the box, and found the instructions. 'Won't be needing those' I cheered, and tossed them aside. I quickly identified the pieces, and layed them out. And after 10 short minutes of not really seeing what part goes which way up, I retreated to the instructions. These were completely undesipherable, but I struggled on.

Book 'im Danno - well you try and think of a book case pun!

I may have cut a few corners, and I have quite a few parts left over, but it's up. And it pretty good time. Because just 2 short hours after starting, I had something definatly recogniseable as a bookcase!

Friday evening saw the first rifle shooting at NTC this year. But no shooting for me. I had toys to play with. About a year ago, we got funding for loads of new outdoor goodies. Some new super-light weight tents, and a box trailer. But most excitingly, a fleet of 6 identical Tek Sport Kayaks. I was like a kid in a sweet shop. I can't wait for our store to be repaired so I can fit them all in!

My last trip into doing anything interesting, was yet another DIY adventure. I'm afraid I have spent the rest of this weekend doing exciting risk assesment paperwork for NTC. And I wonder why I don't have a girlfriend...

As you may have noticed in the photo above, two of the shelves are seperated quite far apart, with an extra white shelf in the middle. This was deliberate so I could put in the affore mentioned white shelf for my videos. Firstly I measured the space, and then found an appropriate bit of wood. Sawed off the redundant length, screwed in some screws to hold the shelf up, and then placed in the new shelf. And it fitted like a glove. On a small animal. The screws weren't level, so the shelf wobbled, and the there was some considerable distance between the end of the shelf, and the start of the bookcase. Apparently you can't saw back on a length of wood, so I haven't (see picture). But the misaligned screws I could answer.

Not a clear picture - which is probably a good thing, as you can't see what a bad fit that is...

Now, not many people know this, but they do make a tool for making minor adjustments to screw alignments. And I think I may have slightly disgruntled my brother (who was sleeping in the afternoon ready for work in the evening). As I was making some minor, highly accurate adjustments, using my minor adjustment tool (Jeremy Clarkson called it a Ham-Mer?), this grumpy teenage voice groaned 'Shut Up!'

My handiworking skills aren't brilliant. Well, they don't call me John Wayne for nothing...

Well, that's it for this week. I think this was almost a whole post as well. If I keep this up, people might start accusing this of being a blog.

If you think my DIY skills are more DI-WHY? skills, why not leave a comment on how rubbish my bookcase is.

If you have equally brilliant DIY skills, why not leave a comment on what a great effort I made on my bookcase.

Quote of the Week: 'Oh, you mean Andy!' exclaimed Dave at my Garage, as a friend of mine inquired about booking his XR3 in, and mentioned that he had a friend with a Mark IV Escort Estate...

10 Reasons not to by a GPS

Firstly, here are some reasons not to buy a GPS system for your car. Ever.

1. It takes time to set up.
2. The suction thing will be forever falling off the windscreen (which could become boring).
3. To get the suction thing to work properly, you have to be sitting in the passenger seat, with your seatbelt off, and proped up against the windscreen (which, and I'm not certain about this, is slightly illegal whilst the car is moving, not to mention inconvenient).
4. The damned thing will be constantly interrupting you, regardless of whether you are having a conversation or not.
5. The system's voice isn't exactly subtle, or quiet.
6. It get's confused, which causes the driver to be confused, which confuses other road users. Confused? The GPS certainly is.
7. It takes up valuable dashboard space that is much better used for a police light.
8. When you buy one, it's a statement to the world that you don't know how to use a map, what one looks like, or even what one is. This isn't a problem if you are a female.
9. On average, they can cost 20 times more than a map.
10. It's much easier to grow some testicles and use a friggin' map!

Ahh, and relax. I suppose that I should explain where that rant comes from, but first...

I am a qualified Archery Instructor. That's right boys and girls, the little boys and girl chavs of Lancing will soon be able to start harrasing with another weapon... I really did enjoy the course, and the instructor was great. But you may remember that last week I felt that one guy on the course was a bit off. I never have to see this arrogant git again, so I don't care if he reads this or not. No one I spoke to like him, and he really was a pain in the arse. Thank God I was paired with him for assesment. But then again, he is a Scout. Shame really, because the other Scout on the course, Andy, was a really great chap.

After the assesment, I helped a friend out. I kind of have to be careful what I say here, because you never know who reads this. Which is kind of a pain, as the whole of this post is based on that, and I have just thought that I might get my friend into trouble with his Mum. Balls.

And on that bombshell, and a post that really wasn't worth waiting for, I'm going to curl up under a rock and commit suicide, for such a poor post. Partario - what do you think, can I disclose safely?

If you want to register a complaint, why not leave a comment, where I really won't give a flying monkey.

If you don't want to register a complaint, you obviously didn't read this poor post properly. LOOK AT IT, it's barely 3 words! Just stop wasting all our time Andy. Do it properly or not at all!

Quote of the Week: 'Your cock's wrong' said an archery instructor last year, trying to point out to a man built like a brick sh*t house that his arrows was on the wrong way 'round, thus his cock fletch was the wrong way on the bow. Ammusing out of context...

Song of the Month: Anything by Anyone. God I wish my car radio was working. Although when I say anyone, not James Blunt. Or Cliff Richard. Or that guy with elbow pads and a Land Rover...

Err.. yes

As some of you have correctly noticed, I haven't posted this week, or even put up a late post notice. They say that teachers have it easy, and don't do any work. False, I am losing alot of time to my adult eductaion classes at the moment. I'll post as soon as I find a spare moment. It's a good one coming up too. Maybe within the next 24 hours.

I would say sorry, but I can't lie. Back to the lesson plans...

First post of 2008

Hello CATCOUK readers!

Welcome to the face of CATCOUK in 2008. That's right, it's exactly the same as the old one. In actual fact, I haven't changed anything. And Top Gear claim that Porche have the laziest designers...

Well I've had a reasonable break. A couple of easy blog posts, and now I have to recap the last few weeks...

For the first time in my life, I didn't spend Christmas Eve evening at home. Instead I was out with my friends from the other side of the Adur (and this time I don't mean to say that they're gay...) Michael and Dominic. Anothger first for me, was that this was my first ever 'pub crawl'. Well, in so much as we started in a bar, and finished in another pub. Maybe the shortest 'pub crawl' in the world, but I think it counts...

The most amusing part of the story has to be our access to the bar. We wanted to go to our 'local' on Shoreham Beach (The Waterfront), but for some bizarre reason, that Dom didn't stop bitching about, they had a ticket only evening. So it obviously isn't a public house then? We continued on down the beach to a yacht club that Michael knew about. Unfortunatly this is a private club, and we weren't members. Now, to most this would seem unsurmountable, but (and read this bit carefully), Micahael's girlfriend Amy's friend works there. So we thouht we's try.

Sure enough there were some blokes on the door, and they asked us if we were members. As we are all honest, we said that we're not members, and one started to turn away. What followed was a little confused, but the other guy on the door said, 'it's alright, they're going to join, aren't you lads?', whilst Micahael asked after his contact. The guy that started to turn us away, said that membership fees were £150 (or something like that), whilst the second guy piped up again with 'it's alright, they're family'. And then we were in, drinking tax free drinks, with a rather drunk and bizarre taxi driver...

I spent a quiet Christmas at home (that was really exciting...), and then a few days later sauntered up to Crawley. Another of my friends, Rob, shares his birthday with Jamelia, on the 27th. So I went to attend his suprise Birthday party. It wasn't as big as Rob's girlfriend, and Rob's mum were hoping for. I was the only non-family member that attended (which was a rather bizarre situation to be in). Two days later, I went back to Crawley to join Rob, and our friend Scott. Whilst I was up there, and whilst Rob was buying a XBox Controller that won't work, I bought a new PC game that wouldn't work. I was really excited about it, until I realised that the game needs all of the computing power on the Earth!

New Year's Eve rolled around, and I spent an enjoyable evening at Michael's new flat. Well it's actually Amy's (his girlfriend), but they almost live together. You can see many an embarressing photo on FaceBook. I'd like to say that I was fully able to enjoy the evening, but my mind was weighed down with another matter...

For the first time ever in the history of the planet, Ernie the Escort (still statistically the most reliable car in my household) wouldn't start!!! After half an hour of constant trying, and fiddling, Dad and I eventually got him ticking over. Then, most worryingly, I spent forever getting to Lancing, as I only had two maybe three cylinders of my four firing, and no more than 2000 revs. As you can imagine, this had me severly worried.

So after a downer on New Years Eve (apologies to all that had to put up with me), I rushed Ernie into W Jones (the garage) for a full 100 000 mile service. Not only a big service, but there is this underlying engine problem, the sound system is non-operation, and I had a feeling the brakes weren't quite right. A courtesy Ford Fiesta, and £340 later, Ernie was equipped with new brakes all round, a cleaner distributor, and a still non-operational sound system. And worse still, is that a new £90 distributor may be needed. Bugger.

Anyway, Ernie is back on his... er... wheels, and together we spent the weekend in LA. Well, Little'Ampton. I am now halfway to being qualified as an Archery instructor. Tough course though, very intense. While most of my fellow class mates are cool (with many being fellow NTC Officers), there is one guy who is a real pain in the backside. All agree that he is a bit picky, and he just seems to be really aggressive in the way he says it. Nevermind.

Well, best wishes for 2008. Whilst you all look forward to the rest of your week at work, I am looking forward to my second term at Chesswood Middle School. Hoorah! How many of you enjoy your jobs as much as me? TTFN.

If you have a 1988 Ford Escort that is still going with no problems, why not leave a message a gloat.

If you have working parts for a 1986 Ford Escort that you want to give away, and you know how to repair the sound system in a 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL Estate, I want your babies!

Quote of the Week: 'Piles can cause alot of problems...' Philip, the Archery Instructor Instructor tried to explain, as we all laughed at the double meaning, when a pile is the Archery name for the point of an arrow. '...Piles can come out...' they just never end...