Half Term blues...

Good day one and all.

I know that you've all logged on to read about the very exciting antic that I've got up to this week, but to be honest, it's been a pretty uninteresting week. Having said that, I feel my perspective is ever so slightly biased by what happened on Friday...

On Tuesday, I accompanied by friend Michael to Brighton. Him and his cousin recently bought a Mk IV Escort (same as my car) Cabriolet (Ernie has a roof though...). They are taking it to bits, and are salvaging parts for their cars, and selling the rest (some parts I have had...). It was good taking the car apart. Being almost identical (except for the lack of roof) to my car (Ernie the Escort), it's allowed me to see what actually is involved with taking my car to bits. I'm always nervous about taking stuff apart, in case I can't get it back together again! But as this car was being taken apart for good, it didn't really matter.

Once the interior was out, taking other things out was easy. Well, I say easy, one of the previous owners had painted over bolts, and done other bizarre things. Then there was the constant bashing of my elbow on metal, and even worse, was when I nutted the bare handbrake level with my knee-cap. I went home feeling like I'd been involved in a bar brawl with a load of midgets...

I've been off of work all this week, as it's HALF TERM!!!! I love working in schools, and I love half term (especially as a TA). I know that my teaching colleagues have all been busy writing reports, and doing various bits of marking, and lesson planning, but as a Teaching Assistant, I've just relaxed. Although I do find the gross level of inactivity very frustrating.

In Thursday, I wondered over the University (in Chichester), and saw some lecturers. I also met up with my friend Holly (as she was down for a couple of days). I always enjoy seeing my friends from Uni - I do miss them, and I can't wait to catch up with them all in September. It's also great to catch up on all the gossip!

Thursday evening saw me meet up with some friends from even further back, from my dark and depressing days at college. An interesting night out, involving many unrepeatable conversations...

Having met so many of my friends, you have wonder if this is all building up to something. And yes. Rather cleverly, I manage to keep my birthday under wraps every year, and only those closest to me remember from year to year. Last year, I blurted it out whilst on a residential trip to Lanzarote, when an assessment date was announced (same as my birthday). What followed was the best birthday I have ever had, and I still want to thank all my friends that made that such a great day. This year, I'd kept it much better concealed, and I nearly got away with it.

I should explain, that whilst I do like receiving cards, and presents, on the whole I don't really enjoy my birthday. It just reminds me that I am another year older, and whilst I am doing lots and lots, I still don't really have much of a personal life. It just gets me down a bit.

Despite being my 21st birthday (which many people regard as a really important one, but I really don't care) I went to NTC as normal on Friday evening. A couple of cadets wished me happy birthday (some of whom may have seen on Bebo or FaceBook I guess). But some couldn't possible have known, and I was starting to wonder how the flippin' heck they knew. Well at Stand Easy (break), I found out. The boss announced to all the cadets (I though he was about to tell them off) that it was someone's birthday... The kids had all signed a card, the boss' wife (and my godmother) had made a cake, and they's all clubbed together to buy me a very bright pen (because I'm always complaining that my pens get nicked). Thanks very much guys - just wait until camp, I will get you back.

At the end of the evening, everyone took home a piece of birthday cake, and several parents asked about it. Many obviously thinking I was mad spening my birthday at NTC, and not getting rat-arsed at a club or pub. My colleagues from work thought exactly the same, when I met them in Worthing for a drink. One of them knew my birthday was somewhen in half-term, but didn't know it was that evening, and I owned up to it being my birthday.

Most people asked what I got for my birthday, and to be honest, I wasn't really after anything. My brother got me Life on Mars series 2, and everyone gave me money. When I went to the hole in the wall, it normally tells me how much I owe the bank. But apparently, I have some money at the moment. Added to my birthday money, I have decided to buy myself a birthday present - a second vehicle.

It's important to say that - I AM NOT GETTING RID OF ERNIE. He's still a classic, and bomb-proof car, and there's no way I'm selling him. But, with current petrol prices being near the moon, I can now afford to run a second vehicle again. And as I'm now 21, my license has also been upgraded - I can now drive any powered MOTORBIKE! I stopped riding my old Hongdou (dodgy Chinese copy of a Honda CG125) two years ago, when I could no longer afford to run both Harry the Hongdou, and Ernie the Escort. I needed my car more, so the bike had to go. But now I'm going to get a bike again. And this time, it will be a real Honda.

To find out what I'm going to get (or have got), you'll have to tune in next week.

Thaknks for all the birthday cards, presents, and FaceBook messages - they do make my birthday bareable.

If you now know the date of my birthday, why not leave a message with your address, so that I can get you brainwashed.

If you still don't know when my birthday is, why not leave a message, and keep it that way.

Quote of the Week: '21 again is it?' asked one of my cadet's parents, just before I sheepishly explained this was my first 21st birthday... Do I really look that old?

A Rather Special Day...

As many of you will know and some may not today is Andy's 21st Birthday!

So, I have barged my way in here to say


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY!


Have a great day full of much alcahol and cake!


Commander Clarke, on the flying bridge of a Ford Escort...

Partario

How could I forget?

It was Sunday night last night, and I forgot. After a long after noon or paperwork, and an evening of shuffleboard in Chichester with TS Sturdy, I was just about ready to settle down to my book, and some sleep. Completely forgetting that I hadn't written anything for this week's blog! How could I...?

I have to start this week's blog with the events of Monday evening. After band practice, I was dropping one of our junior officers off home, with another of our officer who I was taking back to Littlehampton. When I stopped to kick Hannah out of the car, she pointed out her neighbour's skip, which had a wind surf board sitting on top of it.

I told her to grab one end of the board, whilst I grabbed the other. Then we dashed as quickly and as quietly as we could up the road (so the house owners wouldn't see us). I then ran back for my car, and drove up to the board. As quickly as I could, I started securing the board to my roofrack. Just as I was completing the last knot, a burley silhouette came from the house.

Being iun Lancing, and fearing the wosrt, I bundled Louise back into the car, said bye to Hannah, and jumped in to Ernie. I was just about to turn the ignition over when...

"Stop!" said Hannah.

"What?" I replied (a little nervously).

"The man says... do you want the poles?"

We couldn't believe it! We retrieved the poles from the older gentlemen's garage (not burley at all). I apologised for our subterfuge, and thanked him for his donation. So the NTC now has a windsurf board (no sails though...). Not that that matters though, we haven't a qualified windsurf instructor...

With that bit of excitement, everything else this week seems pretty mundane. Normal week in school. Although from Wednesday to Friday, we had 'Enable Me' in. They're a disabilty awareness group, and the kids really enjoyed the experience (lots of playing about in wheelchairs...). At the end of the week, I noticed a queue of kids waiting to get one of the guys autographs. Swasie I think his name is, had lost a leg, but that hadn't really stopped him. He and his wheelchair had got to some incredible places!

Saturday was the NTC's fun auction. Another cracking evening of entertainment. But I have to say, not only do we have a great group of kids at the moment, we also have some brilliant parents. In recent years, we've really been used like cheap child care on a Friday evening. But lots of our parents are really keen, and taking as interest. A huge thank you to all of our supporters - we really couldn't carry on without you.

So now it's Monday morning, and I imagine you're wondering why I'm not at work. Well boys and girls, two wonderful words - Half and Term. So all this week, I going to enjoy a week off work. Dad asked me this morning what my aims for the week are. I told him 'just to chill'. With the busy few weeks I've had, I don't feel in the least guilty.

Take care all.

If you're disgusted that this post was nearly forgotten, why not leave a comment telling us all of how often you write a blog.

If you're just pleased to have a post to read, why not leave a comment to encourage me for next week.

Quote of the Week: 'Do you want the poles?' said the man. It was hilarious.

The Forms, the Audi, and the Ofsted Inspector

Hello all. I should just explain that the title is a play on 'The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe', as our Year 4s have had an Opera company in all week, producing an operatic Narnia. And it was fantastic. Congratulations and Welld Done to classes 4IS and 4HS of Chesswood Middle School - you were all awesome!

Welcome to another award loosing post from CATCOUK.

So this week started off with some exceptional stresses. The school that I work in, and indeed the school that I really love to work in (yes that's right, I really enjoy my job) had it's Ofsted inspection. Now, I'm only a Teaching Asst. (and probably not a very good one at that either), so there was nothing I really had to do, other than turn up, and do my job well. But I also felt the need to support the teachers (and my friends) to best of my abilities.

Despite the fact that I had no direct stresses on me for the inspection, it's suprising just how easily I pick up on my friends stress. Two friends, Ian and Jez, are senior management members, and they had piles and piles of paperwork to do. I just felt so stressed for the ammount of workload those two had to put in.

Having said that, I did take it upon myself to make sure that some of the school's classroom displays were good. Ian wanted a 'Helping Hand' board, and I started helping with that. Once the design work was done on that, Ian's TA Nicky finished the job off. Whilst she was doing that, I was in year 7, putting up two displays. A quick reminder to myself, and anyone else that is ever going to have to make a display - don't use clouds! They take friggin' forever to cut up!

On the day of the inspection itself, I had to miss one lesson. Due to other TAs moving around, if I had attended my lesson as usual, there would have been too many TAs in the class. As lesson observations were going on, I decided the best place for me to hide out was the staffroom. I very much doubted the inspector would look in there (and she didn't).

But, throughout the whole day, I wasn't observed once, and niether were any of the classes where I had put up a display. So I didn't really contribute at all to the result. And how did we do? Unfortunatly I can't say until the official report is published. All I can say is this. The grin on Dennis' face (our deputy head teacher) went from ear to ear...

After Ofsted, I was knackered. I think Siobhan text me, and I was due to go to Sturdy's band. I think I just fell into bed. I then got back out of bed, and carried on doing what I've been doing all week. With my recent promotion to the NTC's Adventure Activities Director, I have been trawling through the Corps' safety paperwork, and trying to get rid of some, simplify others, and just give a general look of uniformity.

I'm in two minds as to my success. On the one hand, I know that on a day to day operational level, I have reduced the ammount of paperwork that we have to do. On the other hand, I have created loads of forms, but these are just to standardise existing ones. And to be fair, there are some new ones for best practice and legislative reasons. Will every other volunteer adult in the Corps hate me after the National Council (like the NTCs government) aprove the changes? Well most people dislike me anyway, so what's the difference... lol

Once again, the local church youth group was running a charity car wash. I've no idea what they were fundraising for, but the cheap child labour costs, and the chance of getting Ernie cleaned were all I needed to hear. And they did a pretty good job too. Unfortunatly, Ernie let me down a little. It took two attempts to start after being washed. And when he was finally running, a huge cloud of oily smoke came out the back, for all onlookers (mainly from the church) to breath in. Who said anything about emmisions testing...?

Talking of classic cars, I could not write a post this week, and not spend a paragraph raving about the 'Ashes to Ashes', the spin off series of the amazing 'Life On Mars'. Gene Hunt is back, and back with a vengance. A flame red Audi Quattro ('Let's fire up the Quattro!'), the 1980s, a very attractive lady, and a speed boat. I have no words to describe what a great program it was. It comes highly recommended from me. And if you want a quote, try this - 'Unecessarily cool!' If you were such a muppet that you didn't know it was back on, or you just didn't see it, don't worry. It's on BBC iPlayer.

Lastly, I spent some time this weekend actually doing that other NTC job that I have. That's right, I actually did some paperwork for good old TS Intrepid NTC. Although I still haven't publicised the charity auction next week enough. If you would like to come and support us on Saturday night, for an evening on fun, come along next Saturday (16th February) to our HQ. Entrance is free, just donate something for us to sell. It's a brilliant evening, especially if we can get my mate Kevin along. He'll normally buy all the rubbish no-one else wants.

If you thought this was a short post, why not leave a comment to read and make it longer.

If you thought this post was just right, why not leave a comment telling me so.

Quote of the Week: 'If you place your bets correctly [in roulette], you nearly always win!' said my less than intelligent sibling, Ian, after a fake gambling night, as if he had just found the key to winning bets. Well actually, if you place your bets right, you should win all the time. But then isn't that the point of gambling? Thicko.

Which brings me to my joke of the week: 'I lost my girlfriend through gambling. Do you know how I can win her back?' (Somewhen on the Chris Moyles show this week)

Why do I keep doing this anyway?

First and foremostly, if anyone can tell me why I do this every week, I'd appreciate you telling me. We've arrived at another Sunday evening (for me), but more than likely a weekday morning/evening for you, and once again, I'm wondering why on Earth I'm writing this dribble. Mind you, I suppose you guys are wondering why you are reading this dribble. Thanks for comments all.

The reason I feel that I have to ask this, is that I have another job to keep me busy. Last week, I was officially approached by the Chief of Staff of the Nautical Training Corps, to accept a National position. After discussions with colleagues that I've seen, I have decided to accept the 'promotion'. I am now Commander Andy Clarke NTC, Chief Staff Officer, Adventure Activities Director (AAD). Well, as good as. The Chief of Staff has appoiunted me, but I believe National Council need to approve it.

So, with this new position, my current position of Activities Officer of TS Intrepid, a national webmaster, my job, and university, I'm pretty bloomin' busy. So why oh why, am I still writing this? I think I need professional help...

This was a good week at Chesswood (to start with). Tuesday was a school trip to Hertsmonceux (a Science centre and observatory in East Sussex). The place was brilliant. Loads of hands on science stuff for the kids to do (and the adults too...). Even the journey was okay. They have built a nw flyover at Bedingham. For those that aren't local, or don't travel further East than Lewis, this is a major traffic spot, because of the railway. But they now have a bridge. What once took hours to get through, took a matter of maybe 2 minutes. Amazing!

Wednesday was also a good day. As I may have mentioned (although I can't really remember), Year 7 are currently studying Sex Education (handy for me also I suppose). Wednesday, the boys went into a classroom for an all male talk (what we dub the 'willy washing talk'), whilst all the girls went for an all female talk. As one of the Year 7 men, I went to crowd control the boys. For years, this session has been run by Dennis, our deputy Head, but next year, the Year 7 leader, and my friend, Jez, will need to give the talk. Which is an issue.

Any talk of genitals makes Jez feel queezy, and can make him gag. So as you can imagine, this talk isn't a great subject for him. To be honest, I only went into the class to watch Jez gag... Amazingly, I think he only gagged once, and handled the whole topic well. The next day, I did say that I was impressed. He replied, don't look up Smegma on Wikipedia. It will make you gag. Especially don't read it, whilst eating your shredded wheat!

On Thursday, this brilliant week hit a brick wall. I spent all morning looking fir Frisbees, in the persisting rain. I retuurned at Lunch time, with no frisbees, and very soggy. Quite peeved, I grumpily warmed my lunch, and sat down moodily. Once I sat down, a normally quite 'easy-going' teacher rushed up to me, and said that we needed to get our heads together before her lesson on Tueday. I said okay, what did she have planned. She didn't know yet. Naturally I was quite confused why we'd need to chat urgently before hand, if there was nothing special on...

Little did we know, but earlier that morning, we recieved a phone call. 'Hello, Ofsted here. We'll see you Tuesday morning...'. We now get two working days notice before a 1 or 2 long inspection (we're only getting one day). The staff were told at Lunch time (before I returned to school). So I didn't know. Of course, the above conversation kind of makes sense now...

Funniest of all though, is our Head Teacher was out at a conference at the Grand Hotel in Brighton (Head Teacher's thing). Because he was in conference, Dennis (deputy) couldn't contact him until lunch. We had to do some paperwork by the end of the day, so David (Head) rushed back from Brighton. I'm sure he must have got a Police escort... He burst into the staff room, grabbing some stuff, saying that he was quite miffed. He left just as they were about to serve lunch at The Grand. Ha ha... (I may not have a job after he reads this...). Sorry David, it's not funny really...

So, with all the stress, it's amazing that any of us are still going. Keep sane everyone.

(By the way, I have text you Si, on both numbers that I have for you. Have you changed your number, or do I merit a reply?)

If you don't have time, why not leave a comment (after all, I didn't have time to write this).

If you do have time, why not leave a comment (saying where you got the time from).

Quote of the Week: 'When Linda leaves, she's getting a Grand Father Clock!' I explained to Gill who has left Adult Ed, that we give out bigger clocks for longer service.

Tune of the Month: (still no radio in the car, but I do have Listen Again/ On Demand from the BBC) Teenagers. My Chemical Romance.

Why couldn't this week have finished on Thursday afternoon?

Hello all. Time for another delve in to the depths of life being Andy Clarke. This week has been a bit dull. So you'll have to excuse some drastic straw clutching, but bare with me.

Now that I'm back into the swing of things, life has calmed down a little, and I'm back on top. In fact, I arrived home on Thursday with a huge smile on my face. Mind you, it had been an excellent day. I started the day, by spending £830 of TS Intrepid's money on some brand new archery equipment. I then progressed onto nearly getting a Rifle Shooting instructor's course organised, and topped my working day off with another sucessfully blagged Frisbee club. Don't get me wrong, I don't just turn up and make the club up as I go along. But when you have no Frisbees, playing Ultimate Frisbee can be difficult. Taking my inspiration from year's of Mr. Paul Tyler blags, I invented Ulitmate Fr-Netball!

If Thursday had finished there, it would have been a perfect day. But this being a blog, means I can travel back in time, and talk about other boring, completely pointless stuff I've done. Take Tuesday for example. I stepped out of a classroom, to see a child about to try and kill another. Now I know from my training at school, that the best thing to do is put my hands in my pockets, and resist physical contact with children at all costs. Besides which, our Special Needs Coordinator was there. But when she couldn't hold this very angry 9 year old (and boy was he powerful for a 9 year old), I had to step in and restrain him.

This boy did have a sucess later in the week. In a situation, where I would have bet all the money in the world he would have got into the fight, he stepped back. Picked up a phone, and called a member of staff to report the fight. When later asked why he had acted so responsibly, he had said that he had watched a documentary on a man that couldn't control his anger, and killed someone. This boy didn't want to end up like that. Who said TV was bad for kids?

On Wednesday evening, I had to take one of my senior cadets to one of our sister ships, TS Sturdy, for her officer training. On the way there, Michael phoned me. Obviously, as I was drving, I couldn't answer. Fortunatly Gobby (or Crusher, depending on what you want to call her) picked up. And then poor old Michael had to endure 20 minutes of phone conversation with her! In fact, she hads him trapped on the phone all the way from Angmering to Chichester (about 18 miles!). Poor Michael. I hear he is recovering well with the aid of counselling...

On Monday, I got some laughs in a staff meeting. You know me, I'm always desperate for social acceptance, and a bit of attention. In Any Other Business, I raised the issue of missing Frisbees. I said, 'trying to run Frisbee club with out any Frisbees was a real pain in the arse'. Laugh No. 1. The Head Teacher ('the boss') then asked, in fake stun, 'Sorry, pain in the what?'. I replied with my standard 'Oh, don't worry. It's the plural of the letter R!' Laugh No. 2! Ha Ha. Social acceptance at last. Soon I will be able to think that someone likes me. Yay self-esteem...

But as I said earlier, all this merriment could not last. Alas, Thursdays also have evenings, and I went to a meeting. Earlier in the day, some of my Frisbee club members had asked if it was a meeting on how to buy frisbees, or maybe how to look after them, or keep them in a safe place so you don't loose them (cheeky sods...). None of the above, I'm afraid. It was instead, another thrilling National Council meeting.

I've attended NC meetings before, and actually been quite impressed by what goes on. I had heard horror stories. Those stories were realised at this meeting, as a Regional Commander I had not met before bothered to turn up. It's amazing how this one person can turn what can be quite a productive meeting into a menagerie (just imagine animals shouting at the zoo...). He laid into me over National Website and E-mail issues, as well as my Commanding Officer (who I'll support to the edges of the Earth, even if I do have to remind him where they are...) over other issues. What an arrogant, pompus, stuck up, ludite. Did I mention arrogant?

Also on this evening, my afore mention Commanding Officer called me to say that he hadn't been able to put out the Consent Forms that I had asked for. I did my best to get them out, but hey-ho. Just another little stress in my life.

Now I have spent all of this weekend getting the new Corps website ready for release, as well as phoning every CO in the Corps about an American Exchange opportunity, that the NTC nearly cocked up. Still, never mind. Who want's a life anyway?

Tune in next week, to hear some very exciting, non-blog related news. What is it? Well, a blog is a short for Web Log... Oh, I see what that question meant. You'll just have to tune in, and find out next week!

If you couldn't be bothered to read what's written above, it's highly unlikely you're reading this. But if you are, why not leave a comment.

If you did read the above, why not try leaving a comment, like a single solitary human being managed last week!

Quote of the Week: 'And I want you two to write lines, and fill this page. You will write 'I will not draw penises on my arms during class'. Is that understood' said a very aggrevated teacher to two students who had walked into assembly wearing short sleeves, revealing giant penis drawings in their forearms, whilst said teacher and I struggled not to laugh.

What? A post that's on time?

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening (please delete as appropriate) all. I know how shocked you all must be, but here is a CATCOUK post on time!

Everything really has all launched at the same time this year. In previous years, I've been eased back in slowly, with NTC starting a week in, other stuff starting a week later, and university in February. But this year, everything has hit me at the same time! NTC, School (work), Adult Education work... it all adds up. I didn't know where I was last week.

This week, I had a whole evening off! Monday night was our first band night of the year. I was actually quite impressed. Not many people had practiced since our last band night a month ago (since we take the instruments in over Christmas, which makes practicing difficult). Despite this, the band (now 21 big, with a few people missing) still held a tune reasonably well.

Tuesday night was Sturdy Band. I don't have to tow their trailer home any more, as Mark now finishes his taxi job slightly ealier so he can do it. That was handy this week, as it meant I could write some lesson plans (and make handouts). I really am a thoroughly exciting person, and I'm not even a teacher yet! Imagine how dull I'll be then...

On Wednesday I assisted my Year 7 colleagues with a pre-visit to Lodge Hill camp. For the past few years, I have always felt that Year 7 could do with a residential trip, and last year Jez had told me he was toying with the idea of holding a camp. Well, as he is the Year 7 leader this year, it's actually happenning. As I was walking around (and being quite impressed by the activities), I began to think that I didn't want to go to America. I can't attend the Year 6 residential (Broadstone Warren) again, and I'm going to miss this fantastic camp. Then I came back to my sesnses.

On the evening, I had to go back to TS Sturdy, so that on of my junior officers could do some of her Petty Officer's training. They were doing circuit training. Whew - I tell you, just watching them all running around made me feel dizzy and out of breath. It was a good job they had some sweets their for me to eat...

Thursday, I had an evening off. So I went out a bourght a book case for my room (well really a load of shelves in a moveable case so that I haven't got to nail anything to the walls). I don't really have any tools, so I had to go out and buy some. So, armed with a £7.99 tool set from Sainsbury's, I set to work assembling my first piece of flat pack furniture.

Now I am sure that we are all aware of the stigma surrounding flat pack furniture, but in rather a Top Gear fashion - How hard could it be? I opened the box, and found the instructions. 'Won't be needing those' I cheered, and tossed them aside. I quickly identified the pieces, and layed them out. And after 10 short minutes of not really seeing what part goes which way up, I retreated to the instructions. These were completely undesipherable, but I struggled on.

Book 'im Danno - well you try and think of a book case pun!

I may have cut a few corners, and I have quite a few parts left over, but it's up. And it pretty good time. Because just 2 short hours after starting, I had something definatly recogniseable as a bookcase!

Friday evening saw the first rifle shooting at NTC this year. But no shooting for me. I had toys to play with. About a year ago, we got funding for loads of new outdoor goodies. Some new super-light weight tents, and a box trailer. But most excitingly, a fleet of 6 identical Tek Sport Kayaks. I was like a kid in a sweet shop. I can't wait for our store to be repaired so I can fit them all in!

My last trip into doing anything interesting, was yet another DIY adventure. I'm afraid I have spent the rest of this weekend doing exciting risk assesment paperwork for NTC. And I wonder why I don't have a girlfriend...

As you may have noticed in the photo above, two of the shelves are seperated quite far apart, with an extra white shelf in the middle. This was deliberate so I could put in the affore mentioned white shelf for my videos. Firstly I measured the space, and then found an appropriate bit of wood. Sawed off the redundant length, screwed in some screws to hold the shelf up, and then placed in the new shelf. And it fitted like a glove. On a small animal. The screws weren't level, so the shelf wobbled, and the there was some considerable distance between the end of the shelf, and the start of the bookcase. Apparently you can't saw back on a length of wood, so I haven't (see picture). But the misaligned screws I could answer.

Not a clear picture - which is probably a good thing, as you can't see what a bad fit that is...

Now, not many people know this, but they do make a tool for making minor adjustments to screw alignments. And I think I may have slightly disgruntled my brother (who was sleeping in the afternoon ready for work in the evening). As I was making some minor, highly accurate adjustments, using my minor adjustment tool (Jeremy Clarkson called it a Ham-Mer?), this grumpy teenage voice groaned 'Shut Up!'

My handiworking skills aren't brilliant. Well, they don't call me John Wayne for nothing...

Well, that's it for this week. I think this was almost a whole post as well. If I keep this up, people might start accusing this of being a blog.

If you think my DIY skills are more DI-WHY? skills, why not leave a comment on how rubbish my bookcase is.

If you have equally brilliant DIY skills, why not leave a comment on what a great effort I made on my bookcase.

Quote of the Week: 'Oh, you mean Andy!' exclaimed Dave at my Garage, as a friend of mine inquired about booking his XR3 in, and mentioned that he had a friend with a Mark IV Escort Estate...

10 Reasons not to by a GPS

Firstly, here are some reasons not to buy a GPS system for your car. Ever.

1. It takes time to set up.
2. The suction thing will be forever falling off the windscreen (which could become boring).
3. To get the suction thing to work properly, you have to be sitting in the passenger seat, with your seatbelt off, and proped up against the windscreen (which, and I'm not certain about this, is slightly illegal whilst the car is moving, not to mention inconvenient).
4. The damned thing will be constantly interrupting you, regardless of whether you are having a conversation or not.
5. The system's voice isn't exactly subtle, or quiet.
6. It get's confused, which causes the driver to be confused, which confuses other road users. Confused? The GPS certainly is.
7. It takes up valuable dashboard space that is much better used for a police light.
8. When you buy one, it's a statement to the world that you don't know how to use a map, what one looks like, or even what one is. This isn't a problem if you are a female.
9. On average, they can cost 20 times more than a map.
10. It's much easier to grow some testicles and use a friggin' map!

Ahh, and relax. I suppose that I should explain where that rant comes from, but first...

I am a qualified Archery Instructor. That's right boys and girls, the little boys and girl chavs of Lancing will soon be able to start harrasing with another weapon... I really did enjoy the course, and the instructor was great. But you may remember that last week I felt that one guy on the course was a bit off. I never have to see this arrogant git again, so I don't care if he reads this or not. No one I spoke to like him, and he really was a pain in the arse. Thank God I was paired with him for assesment. But then again, he is a Scout. Shame really, because the other Scout on the course, Andy, was a really great chap.

After the assesment, I helped a friend out. I kind of have to be careful what I say here, because you never know who reads this. Which is kind of a pain, as the whole of this post is based on that, and I have just thought that I might get my friend into trouble with his Mum. Balls.

And on that bombshell, and a post that really wasn't worth waiting for, I'm going to curl up under a rock and commit suicide, for such a poor post. Partario - what do you think, can I disclose safely?

If you want to register a complaint, why not leave a comment, where I really won't give a flying monkey.

If you don't want to register a complaint, you obviously didn't read this poor post properly. LOOK AT IT, it's barely 3 words! Just stop wasting all our time Andy. Do it properly or not at all!

Quote of the Week: 'Your cock's wrong' said an archery instructor last year, trying to point out to a man built like a brick sh*t house that his arrows was on the wrong way 'round, thus his cock fletch was the wrong way on the bow. Ammusing out of context...

Song of the Month: Anything by Anyone. God I wish my car radio was working. Although when I say anyone, not James Blunt. Or Cliff Richard. Or that guy with elbow pads and a Land Rover...

Err.. yes

As some of you have correctly noticed, I haven't posted this week, or even put up a late post notice. They say that teachers have it easy, and don't do any work. False, I am losing alot of time to my adult eductaion classes at the moment. I'll post as soon as I find a spare moment. It's a good one coming up too. Maybe within the next 24 hours.

I would say sorry, but I can't lie. Back to the lesson plans...

First post of 2008

Hello CATCOUK readers!

Welcome to the face of CATCOUK in 2008. That's right, it's exactly the same as the old one. In actual fact, I haven't changed anything. And Top Gear claim that Porche have the laziest designers...

Well I've had a reasonable break. A couple of easy blog posts, and now I have to recap the last few weeks...

For the first time in my life, I didn't spend Christmas Eve evening at home. Instead I was out with my friends from the other side of the Adur (and this time I don't mean to say that they're gay...) Michael and Dominic. Anothger first for me, was that this was my first ever 'pub crawl'. Well, in so much as we started in a bar, and finished in another pub. Maybe the shortest 'pub crawl' in the world, but I think it counts...

The most amusing part of the story has to be our access to the bar. We wanted to go to our 'local' on Shoreham Beach (The Waterfront), but for some bizarre reason, that Dom didn't stop bitching about, they had a ticket only evening. So it obviously isn't a public house then? We continued on down the beach to a yacht club that Michael knew about. Unfortunatly this is a private club, and we weren't members. Now, to most this would seem unsurmountable, but (and read this bit carefully), Micahael's girlfriend Amy's friend works there. So we thouht we's try.

Sure enough there were some blokes on the door, and they asked us if we were members. As we are all honest, we said that we're not members, and one started to turn away. What followed was a little confused, but the other guy on the door said, 'it's alright, they're going to join, aren't you lads?', whilst Micahael asked after his contact. The guy that started to turn us away, said that membership fees were £150 (or something like that), whilst the second guy piped up again with 'it's alright, they're family'. And then we were in, drinking tax free drinks, with a rather drunk and bizarre taxi driver...

I spent a quiet Christmas at home (that was really exciting...), and then a few days later sauntered up to Crawley. Another of my friends, Rob, shares his birthday with Jamelia, on the 27th. So I went to attend his suprise Birthday party. It wasn't as big as Rob's girlfriend, and Rob's mum were hoping for. I was the only non-family member that attended (which was a rather bizarre situation to be in). Two days later, I went back to Crawley to join Rob, and our friend Scott. Whilst I was up there, and whilst Rob was buying a XBox Controller that won't work, I bought a new PC game that wouldn't work. I was really excited about it, until I realised that the game needs all of the computing power on the Earth!

New Year's Eve rolled around, and I spent an enjoyable evening at Michael's new flat. Well it's actually Amy's (his girlfriend), but they almost live together. You can see many an embarressing photo on FaceBook. I'd like to say that I was fully able to enjoy the evening, but my mind was weighed down with another matter...

For the first time ever in the history of the planet, Ernie the Escort (still statistically the most reliable car in my household) wouldn't start!!! After half an hour of constant trying, and fiddling, Dad and I eventually got him ticking over. Then, most worryingly, I spent forever getting to Lancing, as I only had two maybe three cylinders of my four firing, and no more than 2000 revs. As you can imagine, this had me severly worried.

So after a downer on New Years Eve (apologies to all that had to put up with me), I rushed Ernie into W Jones (the garage) for a full 100 000 mile service. Not only a big service, but there is this underlying engine problem, the sound system is non-operation, and I had a feeling the brakes weren't quite right. A courtesy Ford Fiesta, and £340 later, Ernie was equipped with new brakes all round, a cleaner distributor, and a still non-operational sound system. And worse still, is that a new £90 distributor may be needed. Bugger.

Anyway, Ernie is back on his... er... wheels, and together we spent the weekend in LA. Well, Little'Ampton. I am now halfway to being qualified as an Archery instructor. Tough course though, very intense. While most of my fellow class mates are cool (with many being fellow NTC Officers), there is one guy who is a real pain in the backside. All agree that he is a bit picky, and he just seems to be really aggressive in the way he says it. Nevermind.

Well, best wishes for 2008. Whilst you all look forward to the rest of your week at work, I am looking forward to my second term at Chesswood Middle School. Hoorah! How many of you enjoy your jobs as much as me? TTFN.

If you have a 1988 Ford Escort that is still going with no problems, why not leave a message a gloat.

If you have working parts for a 1986 Ford Escort that you want to give away, and you know how to repair the sound system in a 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL Estate, I want your babies!

Quote of the Week: 'Piles can cause alot of problems...' Philip, the Archery Instructor Instructor tried to explain, as we all laughed at the double meaning, when a pile is the Archery name for the point of an arrow. '...Piles can come out...' they just never end...

And now, a word from our readers...

Hello all. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (depending on when you're reading...). I've always thought of this time as some sort of bizarre, yet relaxed limbo between Christmas and New Year. As such, and as promised, this is a rather relaxed blog for me to write. I'm going to answer the comments left over the last few weeks, which means that I don't have to worry about being original...

Siobhan from Worthing writes...

You just made my Christmas =D
Not only does my laptop now make sound I had your 'pleasant' singing to listen to ;)
Happy Christmas =)

Reply As already stated, Merry Christmas, and I am pleased that I was able to make it for you, although I think it's really got something to do with Father Christmas, and his son Jesus... And I would like to know what you are trying to say by writing pleasant in speech marks - what do you mean, huh?

Anne Onymous from Outer Mongolia comments...

"I'm far too busy anyway" Pah! What a pathetic excuse, try this,when you see someone you really like go and steal a kiss it's the perfect time of year as long as you can produce some mistletoe you shouldn't get into too much trouble. If they look like they might slap you smile that lovely smile, if that fails to save your a*** RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Reply I'm sure this was a well meaning comment, but clearly Anne does not realise the sort of people that I hang around. This Christmas, I have been mainly at home (I'm not from Norfolk, so I'm not really in to that sort of thing...), or at various Christmas parties (where the person nearest my age was 18 [all sounds good] except he's MALE! the nearst aged female is late twenties and slightly pregnant). So kind of wasted advice there, but thanks anyway. And what does a*** mean? Arms perhaps...?

Rob from Crawley asks...

Hey ClarkeFace,
Howz life going? - Stupid question as you have just written about it.
Let me know your schedule for the next few weeks, as your have to come and check out my Crawley Penthouse.

Reply Yes, that was a stupid question - what else could you possibly want to know about my life? And I can't speak to you, because I'm already coming up to see your Crawley Penthouse, even though you didn't know about it. No I wasn't going to break in, but your Mum has invited me up for a suprise on your Birthday. And by know, you know exactly what that suprise was. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Siobhan still from Worthing announces...

Aha you do live! I was beginning to get worried...
My work computer seems to have had a rather large misbehaviour and has been pretending you haven't updated your blog for weeks... which apparently isn't true
Glad to see you're still with us :)
And Christmas sucks, thats just the way it is!!

Reply Someone else, clearly sharing in my festive mood. Bad mood that is. Yes I am still here. Romours of my death have been greaty exaggerated (or a quote similar to that anyway...). And good to see someone reading my blog instead of keeping the country's industry going (or in your case, keeping our floods at bay...)

Lashings of Custard (also known as Bev) from Worthing said...

You forgot to kiss it and say a prayer... the radio if you hit something you have to do the other two, works every time well maybe not.
Re your lovelife how about an older woman? you must be surrounded by them and you never know a bit of illicit snogging may just brighten their day! Just a thought.
One more thing why don't you comment on your comments, how do we know if we made you laugh or cry?

Reply Both laugh AND cry normally. What is it with people suggesting older women at the moment? Just how old do y'all think I am? Is it wrong for me to be looking for a young lady aged 18-22 (although I'm only getting older, so I guess my ideal age range is too...)? Is it me that's weird, or all of you lot? Lastly, kissing still doesn't work, and I'm all out of God points - I haven't visited a Church for quite some time.

Well thanks for not leaving many comments, and giving me a lovely realxed evening watching Channel 4's Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Have a good New Year all, and I'll be at a flat party of my friend Michael and his girlfriend Amy. See you there/ thanks for a good evening (depending of when you read this, should you choose to...)

If your New Year's resolution will be to never read this load of old rubbish again, why not leave a comment saying goodbye...

If your New Year's resolution is to forever read this blog, why not leave a message saying that you either have no life, or have a very dull job...

Quote of the Week: 'Was there a car chase?' asked a very tired mother of mine (there's only one Moo), as she inquired whether my new 5.1 Stereo Surround Sound system was the source of all the noise at midnight. It was.

Happy CATCOUK-mas everyone (as in 12 days of)

And of course, Merry Christmas to you all as well (although you are probably all reading this after the day, so consider it early for Christmas 2008).

As promised, here is the 2007 12 Days of CATCOUK-mas. As always, strong references to Terry Garoghan, who (back in the day) when he broadcast The Last Bus To Whitehawk on Southern FM (also back in the day, when it was actually good). Every year, he sung (with studio guest) 12 days of Christmas, that summarised the year.

(Don't worry, it's not a video - it's just the easiest way to upload an MP3)

Also, if you're interested, here's last years.

Lovely. Have a good one, and see you next week. By the way, someone this week, asked if I would reply to people's comments. And I do usually, around this time of year. So start leaving comments now, and I shall answer every single one next week (so don't leave too many...).

If you want an answer, why not leave a comment.

If you want a log post next week, why not leave a comment.

Quote of the Week: 'The Turkey Trotts' replied the doctor, when Mum described our symptoms (hers and mine), after eating some rather less than brilliant Turkey at a Christmas Party, followed by a night of being stuck to the toilet(s) (good job we have three), and loosing all of the dinner we had just eaten. Merry Christmas.

Oh God - it's Christmas

To get this week's title, you'll need to think Christmas music.

I'm not a grinch, but I'm beginning to find Christmas less and less fun. My main reason for my dislike of this festive time of year, is that it completely disrupts my life. As self-centred as that may sound, it does mean that I have to spend more time at home. And it kills me having nothing to do.

But I'm not a complete hum bug. My car for example, is not an average car. It would therefore be criminal for me to completely disregard it at this merry time of year. The first year that I had Ernie, I decorated him quite subtly with a small piece of blue tinsel accross the dash board. Last year I inherited a set of 12v (run off the cigar lighter) fairy lights. And when I say 'fairy', I mean 'fairy' in the Brighton sense if you know what I mean. After all, the lights are pink! But they were free, so I'm not complaining.

This year, I have added a string in the back, to hang all of my Christmas cards on. I have some pegs on the string, so that the cards don't migrate to the centre of the string. This allows me to have some rear visibility. Excellent - so that's not a distraction to driving at all then... I'd love to show you some photos, but as my phone is bug*ered again, I can't.

It's a good job that I have that string up really. Working in a school provides a number of dangers. One is that fact that you are constantly at risk of catching the lurgy currently floating around the school. Another is that you are likely to recieve half of the Amazon rainforest in Christmas Cards. No really - I've lost count! To make matters worse, I've opened some cards, and I haven't got the faintest clue who's written. That's the problem with working accross several different classes - it's difficult to remember 150 chlidren's names.

One thing that I won't miss from my busy week is hearing a cadet band play Christmas tunes. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over... Don't get me wrong. The award winning band of TS Sturdy play the tunes very well. They just get a bit tiresome. Especially bleedin' 'Little Donkey'! That tune drives me mad!!! It's at times like that, I wish my hearing didn't work.

And talking of things not working, it's not just my phone that's on the fritz. The radio in my car is also non-operational. Today, after being bored of listening to silence for three weeks, I decide to investigate the problem. After some technical inspections, I found that the sound system is fine, but the radio itself isn't outputting any sound. With my top rate skills, and using some very technical engineering techniques (I hit the unit several times), I found that I was unable to rectify the problem. So I am now looking for a new unit. Ironically, I do have a new radio, but no key code for it. Damn.

Everything is winding down now at school. On Friday we hired in some people to show us (and the kids I suppose) a movie. Well, not being one to shirk on my responsibilities, I of course reviewed the movie, for all my faithful readers. The film was Ratatouille (if that's spelt right). It's all about a Rat that loves to cook. Typical isn't it - even a cartoon rat can cook better than I. Anyways, it was an entertaining film, with the real meaning being all about racial acceptance. I give this film an ammusing 4 Escorts out of 5.
4 Escorts out of 5 - a suprisingly entertaining film for all the family.

This Friday also saw the second and third of five Christmas parties. The first was several weeks ago, care of TS Sturdy. It was a fantastic meal, and my sincere thanks go to Robin E for organising it - very tasty. The second was the NTC cadet's party. One of my most trusted senior cadets happens to be very good at organising these sorts of events, and so she did. And a brilliant job too, I might add.

But the most fun event so far was Friday evening. Informal drinks at a colleague's house. Unfortunatly, because I know that some of the students at our school have found this blog I can't say who was there or why, or even much of what happenned, despite the fact that there are some great stories. But as with every social occasion, it didn't take long for the topic of conversation to turn to my 'love life' or lack there of. Yet again, this group of friends took it upon themselves to suggest ways that I could rectify this problem.

So I would just like to clear things up. I have tried every method that I feel is available to me to start a relationship. I have failed at all attempts, and I just don't care any more. If someone is crazy enough to want a relationship with me, then they can bloomin' well ask. I just don't care anymore. But as we eventually decided upon at this Christmas party - I'm far too busy anyway, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Well, next week's post will be leading us into that final Christmas week. So watch out for what I am hoping is becoming a CATCOUK tradition. Coming next week - the 12 days of CATCOUK-mas.

If you don't bother reading before the big day next week, have a good one, especially my guest writers, and participants of various different CATCOUK posts, from the whole team here at CATCOUK (well okay, me).

If you like Christmas, and think that I am a scrooge, why not leave a comment.

If you don't like Christmas, don't think you're the same as me - I'll get into it around 2358 on Monday 24th December.

Quote of the week: 'So I said, 'Try using talcum powder'.' I wish I could explain that quote...

Guess who's back...

Firstly, if you can't guess who, then you really should consider why you are reading this. Guests always welcome...

Apologies for last week. But hey, that happens...

I would like to start this week's post off by shamelessly promoting a new project that I am working on, by enticing you to see something ammusing. I am currently working on a brand new national website for the Nautical Training Corps (NTC - Current Website). Because the Corps is, quite frankly, useless when it comes to responsing to requests, I have made a political statement on the new design. I haven't used any pictures, because I want people from accross the organisation to send me stuff. In the place of normal photos, I made my own picture. Somewhat changes the feel of the website wouldn't you say?

The 2008 Project: www.ntc.org.uk/HTML

Please check it out, and give me some feedback. I want this to be the easiest website to use! Whilst you're there, check out my picture...

So far, I should add, the response from the Corps has been good. I have had responses from: Intrepid (mu unit, suprise suprise), Implacable, Attentive, Hood, Lion, and Sturdy (about to be sent). Thanks to everyone that has replied thus far...

Two weeks ago, I presented you all with a brand new style of blogging - the PLOG! I have to say, the response to it was staggering. I have had literally no messages telling what a good idea it was. This isn't some sarcastic fish for comments, I just wanted to say that I have achieved a 'Top Gear' - I aimed high, and failed. I think that could be the first recorded use of 'Top Gear' as a noun in that sense.

Yes, it was another unremarkable week this week, which kind of makes writing a post difficult. Thursday night was another pub meet with my friend Michael. I found out that he's finished at University for the year. Don't these university students do any work anymore? I mean I'll still be working until Friday 21st December this year!

Which brings me to a sad point actually. I only have a few more weeks of work at Chesswood Middle School, until (if I get it sorted out) I have to move onto my third and final university placement. I am really sad to be moving on, as I have had a great time at the school (as I always do), and I will really miss it.

That links me nicely to a school trip I went on on Friday. Well, not really a trip, but I don't really know how to describe it. On Thursday, the deputy head (who is a legend), Dennis saw my and asked if I could take some children to the local church for, and I quote: 'Something to do with Christmas trees.' Armed with, what many people could consider too much information, I walked the three children down to St. Georges Church.

Normally I happily advertise charitable events that I know about. Unfortunatly, it's too late now, as it finished on Sunday. We arrived at the Church for a Christmas Tree festival, and it turns out that the kids had designed and made a load of decorations, and decorated a plastic tree. I know what you're all thinking, a load of childish, poorly made decorations. So was I. What I found was BRILLIANT! I honestly felt that it was the best tree, and not just because I work at Chesswood. The kids had made loads of small school jumpers, a large star for each class, with the class name on, another load of stars with each school trip they'd been on (and they're Year 7 - so that'd nearly every school trip), enough cut out men/ kids (you know, the paper chain kind) to represent every child in the school, and to cap it off - the Head Teacher was the fairy/ angel. Brilliant. So, if you posesses a vehicle capable of travelling back in time (maybe it has a flux capacitor, and the capacity to make 1.21 JigaWatts of power) why not visit the festival, and vote for us!

Our shining star - Our head teacher. I daren't use his name, in case someone important is looking him up...

Friday was also the last day for two of our training teachers (before going back to Uni). They were really good, and we shall miss them. To give them something to remember us by, we gave them both a photo album. Whilst Tracy (one of my colleagues) went around with her camera she took the photo below. This photo then made it onto the school's plasma TV Screen in reception that represents all that the school does. Marvellous...

Welcome to Chesswood Middle School - always thinking about your children (when we're not thinking about cake...)

And that brings us to the end of this post, and to the end of my evening. Before I retire to my bed, I have just enough time to remind you to check out www.ntc.org.uk/HTML to give me some feedback on the new NTC website!

If you haven't checked out the new NTC website, why not click here, check it out, and give me some feedback.

If you have checked out the new NTC website, leave some feedback. Please!

Quote of the Week: 'I have broken out - the emergency tie.' Said I, having put on my emergency that I keep in my car, realising that I had to meet the Worthing Town Mayor at the Christman Tree Festival.

Has anyone got a torch?

Apologies, but due to some personal issues I am going through at the moment, there will be no post this week. To be honest I'm in such a dark place at the moment, I only just found where I put my laptop...

On the bright side, I am currently redesigning the national official website of the Nautical Training Corps. As a political statement, I haven't included any photos in the design yet, as last time, no one offered any photos from the other units in the corps. So have a look over the new website, tell me what you think, not only of the new design, but of my beautiful artwork...

You can see the new NTC website (currently known as the 2008 project) at
www.ntc.org.uk/HTML

See you all next week. Hopefully the sun will come out this week.

Happy December by the way.

Tune of the Month: This is the Life. Amy MacDonald.

Hey everyone, it's a PLOG!

Hello all. That's right, we have another CATCOUK original this week. In an attempt to ever stretch the bounds of what is possible with a blog, this week's post is a PLOG! For the uninformed, blog is short for Web Log, and so a plog is short for Picture Log! Yay! You saw it here first. Basically, if I haven't got a photo of it, I'm not mentioning it. So I won't be talking about Siobhan's camouflaged doorbell, you won't hear me speak of a car review of Louise's Skoda (exceptionally heavy clutch - maybe out of a lorry?), and you certainly can't hear about in this week's Year 4 meeting...

We start this week's plog, with pretty much the first thing that I did on Monday morning. Well at work anyway. The school where I work is about to change it's database software, and so they were carrying out a quick check of all our details. First of all, it was bizarre how much they knew about me, that I don't remember telling them. But what they didn't seem to know, was that my car is very old. According to their records, my registration plate begins with an X (meaning that it is just a spritely 7 years old from 2000). Of course, regular readers know that I actually drive a classic 1986 C Reg Ford Escort Estate 1.4 GL in Champagne Gold (they had the colour wrong too...). I must say it was nice though. The reg almost matched my car's exceptionally low mileage of only 1500...

Now, to try and catch the random ramblings of my dull head, I was forced to take some cadid camera shots. After all, it does make you sound a little weird constantly asking 'Excuse me old chap, would you mind awefully if I took your photo?'. So this is our first candid photo. Let me explain the background: it is Tuesday, and in Year 4 it is Saxon Day. All that are working in year 4 (and all the kids) have come dressed as Saxon people. Fortunatly I don't work Year 4 on Tuesday, but my younger colleague and friend (maybe not after this photo) does work in Year 4. Look at the photo again, and judge how much effort Joe managed to make on his Anglo Saxon constume. That's right, he came as the little known Saxon Top Shop till operator (with pashmina...).

Also on Tuesday, a colleague (Linda) and I helped another colleague get her car out of the car park, by playing one giant game of Car Park Shuffle! The photo represents Linda trying to reverse the desired car out of the space, whilst I had removed two cars (out of the way. One being the black Ford in the foreground, and the other a very nice Silver Vauxhall Astra. Both manuals, and both very nice to drive around a small car park. The Focus had very poor visibility though. And that's this post's episode of Top Gear over...

Lastly on Tuesday (I must have been very snap happy), I did my usual towing off TS Sturdy's box trailer. The trailer doesn't have a fancy way of attaching my number plate, so I use the good old trust worthy answer all problems tool: Gaffa Tape (or duct tape to any of my American friends reading). As we all know, if Gaffa tape doesn't fix the problem, use more Gaffa Tape! Unfortunatly, this Tuesday was an exceptionally damp day, where the entire contents of a small ocean fell on the country. Because of this, the trailer was slightly damp, and the Gaffa Tape didn't stick properly. So what did I do - that's right boys and girls - use MORE Gaffa Tape. With the reg plate almost hanging off the back, I limped my way to the trailer's home. And yes, the plate stayed on the trailer. Just.

Thursday saw another school trip, and yet again with Year 5. Not particularly exciting, as it was visiting two churches, and I'm not exactly religious. One of the churches though, had a replica of the Sistine Chapel painting on it's roof. Unfortunatly, no cameras or taking of photos is allowed...

And on to Thursday evening, and I had to drive to Shoreham to teach my Adult Education class in basic IT. Normally parking isn't a problem, but there was some parents/open evening on. Parking became a problem. Now I am quite proud of the places that I can park my car. Not only am I very good with close quarters manoeuvres, but I can pretty much slip my car in anywhere (an no that's not some raunchy double meaning). On this particular night, I parked in half a space between the end of a parking row, and the bins. Not that I wish to discourage comments, but I am already anticipating people saying the my car was parked where it belongs - with the rubbish... My car is a classic alright. And of you just watched tonight's episode of Top Gear, you'll know just how good classic cars can be...

One of the marvellous things about a plog, is that I can slip in completely random photos from the week. Here is a photo of my dear old Mum with some horrible disease. Forget bird flu - my mum's growing cat ears!

This weekend was the annual NTC West Sussex South Regional sleepover. This year, the regional sleepover was attended by no one else in the region other than my unit, the mighty TS Intrepid. Unfortunatly, this meant that I was not joined by my friends and fellow officers from the regions for some intelligent conversation. This meant I only had three of my 'senior' cadets for company once the majority of the cadets were in bed. And I think this photo sums up how exciting that was nicely...

We hold the above mentioned sleepover, in preparation for the NTC West Sussex South Region Rifle Shooting Competition. This (thankfully) was slightly better attended, as we were joined by TS Sturdy, and eventually TS Implacable. Our cadets did very well, winning a few trophies. But I wuld like to say this was all due to my inspiring leadership, as I brought home the overall best score of the day for the officers with a woefully low 136 out of 150 (I remember when you had to score over 140 to be in with a chance...). Our officers team also blitzed the competition, beating both TS Sturdy's team, and the combined team of TS Implaca-urdy. Hence the above photo with the group medal, and my trophy! About time I won that again...

And that was my week in pictures. Sorry you haven't seen the video of last week's Ice Skating yet, but my laptop doesn't want to play ball. As a picture is worth a 1000 words, the word count for this post is around 10 000! Remember, you read it here first - the brand bew concept. Get yourself a PLOG today!

If you hate the idea of a plog, and you think I am just taking the micky out of blogs, why not leave a message saying that you saw past my sarcastic attempt to revolutionise the internet.

If you like the idea of a plog, why not get one today, after leaving a comment, and checking your MySpace, and checking your Bebo, and checking your FaceBook, and checking your...

Quote of the Week: 'Charge!' Althought not a great quote, I had to include this as a story, and although I have no photo of it, it does make a beautiful mind's image. In my finest moment of glory as an Activities Officer in the Nautical Training Corps, I had the cadets lined up at the top of a hill, in the dark, pretending to be covert marines. When I shouted charge, all 15 cadets charged down the hill with me, in a glorious moment of cadet life. But why only a moment I hear you cry? I take about 5 paces at a run, before loosing my leg down a HUGE great hole the size of a small child. As I fall (now in slow motion), and turn, I see that there is just a line (almost a ditch) of deep holes, all across the course of the cadets now charging down the hill. I try and shout STOP! but it's too late. Like a horrible scene from Saving Private Ryan, and still in slow motion, a charging heard of children steer head long into the holes, slowly falling over and into the deep gorges of the Earth... How no one was injured, I do not know.

More stress, more disorganisation... probably

Good evening one and all! As I sit here on this rather damp, windy, and cold Sunday evening, I think you'll all be pleased to hear that I can't think of a single thing to write about. No really - not a sausage. To be absolutly honest, I'd much rather watch old re-runs of Red Dwarf on Dave (no, not some bizarre projection on the chest of my friend Comedic Dave, but Dave the digital TV channel). But, as y'all took the time to direct your web browsers to catcouk.blogspot.com (or FaceBook), I suppose I can through out some old crap, and see if it comes together to make a coherent post (although let's be honest, it's not usually coherent).

This week really has been quite stressful and disorganised for me. It all started with Monday, when, after breaking her ankle, I had to transport Mum to Wimbledon to see her barrister. For those of you that don't know, Mum is disabled with a back problem. For legal reasons, I can't say that this only happenned after an accident at work, because this has yet to be proven. I also can't say just how useless the legal firm is, although the barrister was brilliant, and seemed very on the ball.

He seemed especially on the ball, when I bourght a £1 packet of chocolate buttons when I stepped out of the meeting to help Mum to the loo. I went back into the meeting (pushing wheel chair clad Mum), and offered the packet around. I sat there quite gleefully, not happily munching away at my chocolate buttons, whilst the technical legal things continued. And as they continued, and the buttons slowly disappeared down my gullet, the barister kept eyeballing my packet (sharp intake of breath for those of you that get the double meaning) of chocolate buttons. When the meeting finished, many comments were made about never seeing so many buttons being eaten in one meeting before, and how the packet was empty...

But this dragged on a bit, and I was nearly late back for band practice. A band practice that I was running (despite the fact that I definatly have nothing to do with running the band anymore). Made worse by the fact that I had not been sent a important list from the bandmasters telling me who is going to play what instrument. So, quite literally, the rest of the evening was played by ear...

The week pretty much continued along this theme. And for some reason, I have lost alot of my organisation skills lately. To most people this isn't a huge problem, but when you are the Activities Officer of a large NTC unit (note that I can now use the term LARGE - 32 Cadets, and 6 Officers) this becomes something of a problem. Big apologies to Graham for making his life a misery, and not getting all the right paperwork/ information to him. Despite this, today's (Sunday's) trip went off without a hitch.

Well, as without a hitch as an Ice Skating trip can go with me involved. I was also very impressed with the Royal Naval Submarine Museum. As usual the cadets of TS Intrepid and TS Sturdy were well behaved, and did us proud. Until we walked near a visiting unit of Sea Cadets, dressed up very neatly, in full RN Waterproofs. They looked very smart, and that just goes to show the difference that external funding can make.

Who needs a minibus, when you've got lots of really helpful parents, and a convoy of cars. We do!

But this trip was one of those trips when I really really really wish that TS Intrepid had a minibus. It was thrashing down with liquid sunshine, and we had to have lunch in vehicles. Whilst Sturdy sat comfortably all together in their minibus, Intrepid sat in 5 different cars, squashed in the back seats, stuffing their faces with food. I'm sure I have said this on a few occasions, but this time I really mean it. Although our convoy style does work well, I WANT A MINIBUS!!!!

A huge thanks from me to all of the parents that drove and helped us out on this trip. I really appreciate it guys!

I would have had a video for you all to laugh at of me woefully trying to Ice Skate. But unfortunatly my camera doesn't want to play ball. So you'll just have to wait until next week.

Boxing - well you try and think of a caption involving towing a box trailer.

Before I go, I would like to bring up two points. Above is a photo of my most amazing 1986 Ford Escort towing TS Sturdy's box trailer. On Tuesday evenings, I help out at their band, and I now tow their trailer home. Ernie can tow that... Secondly, I would like to point out that we do have a group on FaceBook. I was browsing through it the other day, and noticed several people had added stuff. So, if you think I've missed something, or have a photo of something that goes on in CATCOUK, why not put it in the group?

This has been the multi-award failing blog CATCOUK.

If you think that this post represents nicely how disorganised I am this week, why not leave a comment, starting your comment with the word 'Loser'.

If you think that this was yet another high quality post, why not try reading the post again, and actually read it this time.

Quote of the Week: I haven't got one - talk about disorganised...