Okay, so not a wordy post, but a chance to...

Well, hello faithful CATCOUK-ers. This isn't a real blog post (as you know, I kind of gave up with that, when the money stopped coming in - and it never started...), but I though y'all would appreciate a quick catch up.

Well, I have spent two happy terms at my favourite Worthing based (and unamed for professional reasons) middle school. I am very pleased to say that after applying, I have been accepted on a Graduate Teacher Programme trainee placement at the good ol' University of Chichester (it's good to go home). Basically, I learn to be a teacher, and instead of paying the university, the government pay them. And better than that, I get all of my tax back (and some of yours) when I get my unpaid teacher salary! Bonanza!

But I digress. Today at [the unamed school] was both a sad, and a happy day. Today was the day that our beloved head teacher, of 18 years, retired. In the sincerest tone possible to convey with the written word, David, we will all miss you, and we wish you a long and happy retirement walking and gardening. I had been told to be in the staffroom at 0845 this morning (no great struggle, I'm usually in at 0835-40ish). But despite leaving home early, I git stuck behind every idiot driver on the road (not to mention waiting for the slowest rubbish lorry on the planet). I arrived just in time to hear clapping, join in, and then ask "Morning Karen, why am I clapping?" I was very annoyed.

Positively though, for the past few weeks I have been developing a website for my friend David Adams, to help raise his profile as a musician. Last week, in the knowledge that I don't drink, Dave brought a gift into school as a thank you - a bottle of excellent vintage - Ribena. But today, Dave gave me a second, and frankly awesome, gift. I wear funky T-shirts to school every day (it is something of a trademark now). Dave had prodiced a Superman T-shirt for me, No, that's a lie, it was superman, with my head on, and read SUPERCLARKE Forever! Thanks Dave, you didn't have to, but that is amazing!

Also on the plus side, it was house day, and I lead a 'movie making' masterclass. I was very proud of the children, who, despite the large number of technical difficulties causing me stress, produced 4 fantastic movies. I wish I could show you them (because they really are a giggle - I haven't turned into a total child working idiot), but child protection and all that. Fortunately, I can show you one. The video produced by myself, and my Teaching Assisting buddies, David Adams ESQ and Jason Button ESQ. Of course, we only made it so that we had an example to inspire the children. ABSOLUTELY NO FUN WAS HAD PRODUCING THIS MOVIE.

So, encompassing several firsts for CAT-TDY Productions (first silent movie; first movie not including Ernie - the car park was full, so he couldn't pretend to be a DeLorea-Escort; first use of CGI special effects!), please sit back and watch another movie (yes, that would be four minutes of your life gone):

I also made a little movie in January, when Ernie decided to not start on the starter motor. As it turned out, there was a hidden kill switch that my good friend Michael's shoe lace had caght (after several days of getting people to push start me, a man from the AA found the bizarre switch). Maybe I felt a little silly, but on the brightside, I can now claim to have an imobiliser on my 1986 1.4 Ford Escort GL in Champagne Gold. Anywaysm here's a little film parody.

I hope that you lot are all well, and I really hope that you find something more exciting to do than constantly re-reading this nonsense... love you all!

If you like CAT-TDY Productions, why not become a film critic and leave a comment.

If you don't like CAT-TDY Productions, why not become a rubbish film critic and leave a comment.

In answer to a blog comment...

I haven't posted anything on my blog for ages and ages (mainly because I told you all that I won't be writing regularly any more), but I do still check for comments every now and then. Amazingly, I checked today, and there was a comment. So pleased was I that someone had written something, I felt the need, as a decent human being, to reply.

Well PHOTOKrAzY.com, the salary of my teaching assistant job is shi- not very good. But then it is only 30 huors a week, so what do you expect. I probably wouldn't do a TV show (well, other than the odd YouTube rubbish) because, as I think we can all agree, I have the perfect face only for radio. However, somewhere in the deep dark archives of my blog somewhere, I did do a one-off special breakfast radio show. Maybe I'll dig it out, and see if I can find somewhere to post it again for posterity.

No more YouTube vids so far, but watch out for the 2009 TS Intrepid Band display coming soon!

The dollar (and I'm asssuming US) to pound sterling ratio is a bit of a sore point. When I was out in America, I could proudly state that it was roughly $2US to £1. However, it appears that Gordon Brown, and the disciples of beelzebub (otherwise known as bankers) have broken our monetry system, and I imagine that a simple quid (that's £1) is probably worthing nothing more than a few buttons, and a mint.

But I like to consider myself thorough, so the exchange rate on the 18th November 2009 is £1 to $1.67 and some odd bits. Not actually as bad as I thought then. That's quite a few buttons then.

And on that happy, and slightly optimistic "maybe the banks not broken as bad as we thought" note, it's time to leave. So happy am I at getting a comment, maybe I'll even write a proper post on Sunday (don't count on it though - Top Gear's on...)

What time does a Chinaman go to the Dentist?

Good evening sports fans! For those of your blissfully unaware, in the traditional English cricketing traditions, we have collapsed against the Aussie team. Marvellous.

Anyways, I haven't posted for a while, but a few things have been happening lately that I thought were vaguely blog-able, so I thought I would.

Firstly, I was offered a job a s a Teaching Assistant at Chesswood School (where I have worked/ volunteered for many moons), and I start in September! The interviews was pretty amusing - they were held on a day, whilst I was camping with there year 7 on a residential. I had to drive back to school for the interview (giving 'rival' candidate Dave a lift as well). We both got jobs, so were all good. But just in case, I put a wheel barrow in his tent (it was one of many silly pranks played).

This has been something of a poisoned chalice (I have no idea if that is spelt correctly). Don't get me wrong, I'm really pleased to have the job, but it left me to survive until late October (when I'll see my first wage packet) on just £6 (and that's really all that was left of my £1500 overdraft). I couldn't get a full-time job, as I'd be elsewhere in six weeks. So temping was my only option.

My first job was deep cleaning an alzheimers hospital (very depressing). I worked with two black guys (a Gambian and a Barbados man), and a student like myself. On the first day, with some apprehension, I introduced myself, and asked their names (dreading two very complicated names). Oddly, the Barbados man (who was really freindly) was called Michael, the Gambian was Michael (both very English names), and the English student was called someything odd like Martel, or someone. Serves me right for stereotyping...

For the last two weeks, I have been cleaning for Brighton General Hospital - which has one very odd attribute for a General Hospital. It hasn't got any patients. The building I clean is all officers, and two corridors have out-patient facilities. I went their expecting to clean up vomit, and ended up hoovering offices...

No CATCOUK post would be complete without an Ernie update! And shockingly, almost everything works again. My best mate Michael bought an Orion (a saloon version of my car) with exactly the same 1.4 litre engine. He's replacing his engine with a 2 litre, and knowing Ernie is in need of a new carburettor, he whipped the one out of his Orion, and we transplanted it into Ernie's engine bay. Easy job, only took an hour or so...

And then we noticed that we had more pipes that places to put them on the 'new' carb. Bugger. We noticed another component that had more pipes in Michaels car, and less in Ernie, so we swapped that, and we had enough places to put pipes. They're probably all in the right place, and the engines runs properly now, so it probbaly worked. In the end, just a 2.5 hour job!

Michael also donated his radio, so now my passengers and I can here this strange sound, which if I remember corrctly is called - radio. It is good fun...

So, last year, I chipped a Wisdom tooth. Not being a dentist fan, I ignored it, and didn't seek help. In the last few weeks, an absys developed (which hurts like you wouldn't believe), so I gave in, and went and saw the new dentist in the village. Well, it was private (so better and deerer than NHS), but wow, was that chap good. The tooth couldn't be saved, and he had to pull it. I didn't feel a thing (for the first three hours...). An NHS dentist would have referred me to hospital, and that would have cost upward of £200, but Dr. Stan Lee, Dental Surgeon (his parents had a good sense of humour) drilled it in two, and pulled it there and then.

Unfortunately, and unusually, it didn't stop bleeding for 6 hours, and after a stitch, and a further visit to the emergency dental service at Worting A&E, I was pretty damn unhappy. The moral of the story is probably to visit the dentist, and get over your fears - but it chuffing hurt for 5 days!

So, what time does a Chinaman go to the Dentist? 2 - 30 (say it aloud). And what time was my appointment? Quarter past 2 - damn...

Quote of the week: 'I don't wear a bra for their benefit - I do it to stop my boobs hurting!' ranted the very attractive 32DD young female teacher who has also been temping as a cleaner at Brighton General, complaining about the 'dirty old men' that spoke to her on her way to work... [She was very attractive]

That kind of sums everything up really...

Well, I said that my blog would stop be broadcast on a weekly basis as soon as I received my University results. That day has no come and gone, and this will be the very last CATCOUK post to appear on a regular weekly basis (yes, I'm aware that I forgot to write last week). Prepare to be disappointed...

So this week, I have spent the week with the School at Broadstone Warren. Because of some frankly useless new staff, the regular full week was replaced by two and a half days. I was angry when I heard about it, and I was as disappointed with the result as I had expected. Come Wednesday (whne the groups swapped), it felt as if we had only just begun our work as experiential educators. Never mind, back to a full week next year!

Regardless of the poor length of the week, it was still good fun. The children that I worked with were all fantastic. Well, except for the child that knocked on the door to wake Joe (a colleague) and I up Tuesday morning. Expecting some sort of problem, I answered, only to be greeted with: 'How much longer until we can get up?' I looked at the child in disbelief - what did he think we were doing. Lying around just to p*ss them all off? No! I was asleep.

There was also the occasion when the boys staying in the log cabin room next to me said that they were scared of being attacked. On the way from the main centre to the cabin, they had seen a Buck stalking around nearby. They told us that they were freightened that the 'man deer' might attack them. Wet bunch of children...

In the evenings, once the children have gone to bed, the staff settle down, and relax with some snacks. One evening we played charades, and I just cannot forget the actions that Sue (one of the Special Educational Needs Coordinators) used to describe 'The Twits'. Good goodness that was hilarious. Not being well at the moment, I went to bed early at 11.30pm. Some of the staff ended up going to stalk for deer (especially the scary 'man deer'). When they returned, they thought it would be hilarious to stack all of the dinner tables and chairs outside into two large pyramid formations. I was vaguely aware of this, when Joe told me about it at 2am when he came to bed (waking me up). I stumbled up to the centre from the log cabin in the morning (I'm getting less and less a morning person every year), to see this large display - hillarious. [Incidentally, the staff involved chickened out, and brought everything down before the year leader woke up.]

The second group of lads moved in to the log cabin on Wednesday, and told me that they were worried, as they had been told that squirrels attack them. I told them it was nonsense. I awake Thursday morning to the sound of squirrels barking. Odd, but never mind. Later on, I find out that a group of squirrels had indeed gone in through the window, and had caused havoc (apparently wee-weeing on a child face!). Oh well, shows what I know!

Well, Thursday rolled around, and I got a text message from Holly. I am very pleased, and proud to say that she has achieved a 2.2 in her degree (sort of a C), and I would just like to congratulate her. I'd also like to congratulate all of my other Uni friends. I haven't heard from any others, but I'm sure that you all did great - so well done.

Well, I was at camp, with no internet to find out my results. After resisting the temptation all day, I phoned my mum, and talked her through the steps. A painful 20 minutes later, I found out my results. 4 years of hard work, and a massive debt, I just had to know the outcome...

As a side issue, Mum has fractured her forearm in two places. She was turning her motor-scooter in the church car park, and it fell over. Apparently God doesn't save all...

So, just like most things in my life, I tried hard, but in time-honoured Top Gear fashion, I came up short. If things had panned outr as expected, I would now be pleased to tell you the I hold a first class honours (A) in Adventure Education. Unfortunately, one module didn't quite get over 70% (well, the videography man wanted something artsy fartsy - I can't do it). Another was a complete shambles, barely achieving a pass - no other module has scored that low! So, frustratingly, I have to report that I was awarded a 2nd Class Honours Upper Division award in Adventure Education. I'm gutted, but hey, I have a degree, and I can be a teacher. Hey-ho.

So, that pretty much sums everything up. No matter what I do in life, no matter how hard I try, I'm just above average, and things rarely turn out right. Bugger.

(What a finishing line to CATCOUK, huh? Oh wait, bugger, does this one count too...?)

Escape from Brighton!

Hello all. First things first, did Ernie pass his MOT? Well, yes. The second time... It didn't go entirely well, but as always, Ernie knew I was skint, so he cost less than £200 (which is less than the £400 I feared). However, the magic man, at the magic garage, spent many an hour with Ernie, but just could not get the engine fixed. So, currently, I have a road legal car, but with a very poorly engine.

Yet another busy weekend for me, courtesy of the NTC. Except, and most bizarrely, my unit (the mighty TS Intrepid) didn't do anything! What's going on? Well, I love camping, and generally taking young people away for the weekend, and leading lots of great activities for them. So when another unit was in trouble, and their camp was on the brink of cancellation, I stepped in to lend a hand.

I have to say, although I have never really met the cadets of TS Zealous before (or indeed had anything to do with the unit), it's good to know that the NTC is the same all over. The same level of general silliness, the level of pride, and of course the cadets. As with all new groups, I was afraid that I would end up spending the weekend with 15 horribly behaved cadets, but they were great - I don't think there were any serious arguments. Well done.

Of course, the camp was going to be cancelled, but my friend Natalie stepped in, and organised this camp in the last few weeks. If that's not hard enough, she's never organised a camp before in her life! Other than one slight slip-up, the camp went off without a hitch, and I don't think anyone could have done much better with what we had. And what we had wasn't much...

I should firstly say that I'm intending to do a camp there with Intrepid in August, and that the campsite itself is fantastic. But the prices, and the facilities, and the organisation... a little suspect. Zealous hired the building there (which wasn't Natalie's choice, but it had already been booked by another officer), and the buildings cost an astronomical £175 a night! In the real world, for what we got is not much, but in comparison to any other place that I have hired is ridiculously expensive. There isn't a single person that I have spoken to that thought this was reasonable (even if that includes the bunk house).

So, having paid 5 star prices for this Hilton Hotel, what did we get? A only just maintained building, with features like: some of heaters hanging off of the wall, a sinking wooden floor, doors that don't close. Even cheakier than that, but even after paying that massive price, we still have to put money in the meter for hot water and showers! Are they kidding? Then to add insult to injury, we bought 10 orienteering maps at £1 each, to get 10 black & white photocopied maps, that probably cost 5p to make. They weren't even laminated!

Finally, just to really mess with us, we booked a caving session, and were told that we would have to get trained on it. It would either be a Tuesday or a Wednesday before, or most likely the Saturday of the camp. They'd let us know. By the day before, we hadn't heard anything, so that would be chased up. I didn't hear anything back, until the Saturday morning, when we happened to see someone by chance, who then found out that the caving man wasn't coming. Overall, not great.

But the actual campsite, the woods, and the activity facilities are great. The camp is clearly run be the older Scout people, and I'm sure that they are all volunteers, and they look understaffed. So I can't complain too much, but I was really disappointed. Intrepid will be going there, and we'll be camping in tents, which is only slightly more expensive than other Scout campsites. We'll have a great time (especially if we can get the caving organise...).

Anyways, what does the title mean this week? Well, the unit I was with are from Brighton, specifically Hollingbury. I dropped all the cadets kit of (with Ernie and Bernie). I then offered to drop some of the other adults off in Whitehawk, on the otherside of the city. Maybe a 15 minute job at most? Not this weekend - it was the big London to Brighton bike ride! Bloomin' bikes - half of the roads are closed, the other half are under strict traffic control from plastic police people.

30 minutes later, I dropped Pip and Lewis off at home. Not wishing to drive through the centre of Brighton, and home being in the opposite direction, I decided to go around the outskirts of Brighton, and go out via Woodingdean. I pulled onto the road, and was greeted with miles of traffic. A quick U-turn (not as easy with a traier), and I had to brave it through Brighton. But I decided to use the backstreets...

I phoned dad (being Father's Day, and wishing to apologise for being late home), and explained that I would, somehow, somewhere over the rainbow, escape from Brighton to get home. Eventually...

Several wrong turns, and U-turns later, I was on the Lewis Road. Heading in the wrong direction (ish), but I would soon be back on the main road (A27). I got the road that heads to the A27, and it was closed for the chuffin' bikes! So I had to keep going (in the wrong direction), until I got on the A27 - in the wrong direction. But that's alright, I'll just turn around on the Woodingdean flyover junction.

No - full of traffic - I has to drive 5 miles, in the wrong direction, until I reached the roundabout at Lewis. What should have taken about 45 minutes to get through Brighton, took over and hour and a half!!!

Anyways, I am now home, a successful camp done, and another very tired me... Goodnight!

PS - sneekily, Top Gear have started a new series. I didn't know (maybe because I never see the TV anymore) - so if you didn't either, check it out on BBC iPlayer - www.bbbc.co.uk/iplayer. I kid you not, they reveal who The Stig is!!!

What a week...

Tuesday evening, Mark, one of my friends from TS Sturdy, asked 'So, now that Uni's over, I bet you're getting bored at home.' Chance would be a fine thing...

Founders Day - the entire NTC gathers for a large parade, to celebrate the founding of the organisation. This year, for the first time, it was our regions turn to host, and the God of NTC - Stu Ginnaw - had done most of the work. I felt guilty not being able to assist him sooner, but Uni had to come first. So, in the final week of planning, I hoped to come in, and help prevent Stuart having a mental breakdown...

Monday (6 days to go)...

I had cocked up my final assignment at University (the DVD quality was crap), so I spent most of the day sorting that. Sorry to Kat and Holly, I didn't want to worry you about it, so I went and sorted the problem with Lorne etc...

I rushed home, so that I could start printing parking permits for Founders Day, and hopefully make the 5.45 post. I did get to the letterbox by 5.45, but the postman now collects at 5pm. Damn. I would have posted them sooner, but despite setting a deadline of 31st May, the majority of the Corps works to a different calendar. In the evening I went to band. Sounded good!

Tuesday (5 days to go)

I started to work on the programme for the event. Knowing that it would take some time for me to print the programmes, I set a deadline of 12 noon on Wednesday to start printing. This being my only other pre-weekend job, I didn't rush too much. I had the first couple of pages done (of 16), by the time I left for TS Sturdy's band practice.

On my way home, I phoned Stu (Ginnaw - the God of NTC) to see how things were going, and if there was anything else I could do in preparation. It was at this point that we found out that the officer charged with getting raffle prizes sorted had failed - big time. For our big grand prize draw, over 3000 tickets printed, we had a £100 top cash prize, and... two bottles of wine. Oh dear.

Wednesday (4 days to go)

With the raffle now in dire straights, I asked Mum (who is a genious with this kind of thing) to help me go on the scrounge for prizes. We spent 5 hours trawling the streets of Littlehampton and Angmering, and we had done okay. We had a couple of shops to visit on Thursday, but at the moment, things were looking okay. We had £60 of make-up from Boots, a crystal lamp from Bunces Hardware, and £10 of chocoloate from Sainsburys (of Littlehampton). We had also been donated 10 balls of wool (?), which we traded in, and bought an art kit (from Angmering's craft shop).

All of this was great, but the programme (my main job) hadn't got a look in. Whilst I kept doing the programme, I called Stuart again. He needed to park 2 cars accross the barrier to the field, so that we could gain access on Saturday. I offered Ernie (my car in case you didn't know) for the job, on Friday night. I was up until 2.30 am getting the programme done, when I just had to go to bed. There were still 4 pages to go...

Thursday (3 days to go)

I got up at 10, and started work on the other programme pages. I really needed to start printing by noon today. Noon came and went, and there were still a few pages to go. Them Mum and I went and visited some more stores for prizes (this went amazingly well) - Somerfiled (Littlehampton) donated a portable gas stove, and Esporta Health Club offered 2 day passes and some vouchers. The receptionist at Esporta suggested we tried the gold club next door. I was dubious, but if you don't ask, you don't get. Amazingly, they gave us two day pasess for two, and £40 of top-of-the-range golf balls. Things really were looking up.

- As a side note, nearly everyone we asked gave us a little something. Littlehampton's Sainsburys and Somerfields were really great, and could not have been happier. Others couldn't give us anything because it had to go through head office - fair enough. But Tescos, Tescos wouldn't give us a bean, and their manager had the power to. I guess that they weren't happy enough destroying Littlehampton's businesses, they also want it's community to fail. Or maybe £3bn pound profit isn't enough...?

Then we got home at 4, and I realied that the programme still wasn't done. Amongst calling Stuart, and eating dinner, I carried on with the programme until at 10pm. I finally got Dad to proof read it, and printing started at 10.40pm. I saw that it was taking about an hour to print ten. In order to achieve the order of 200 programmes, I would have to keep the printer running continuosly...

I set the printer for 30 copies, and went to bed, setting my alarm for 3.30am. At 2am, the printer ran out of ink - way before it was estimated to. Dejected, I slumped into bed.

Friday (2 days to go)

Founders Weekend would start today. I was up at 8am (having had barely enough sleep), and I went out and bought some ink. I reduced the demand for colour in the programme, and prayed that it would be enough. Knowing it wouldn't be, I started my personal printer going. It's not a double sided printer, so every programme had to be printed twice (once on each side). Instead of taking 6 minutes to print, it was now taking 12!

Mum (again) came in to help (after saving the raffle), and her local church offered to help us out. They kindly printed 120 (ish) programmes on their colour copier. It was gutting - where it would take my printers 6 and 12 minutes to print a programme, their copier could do one in just 10 seconds!

Regardless, I soldiered on, until the NTC printer was out of ink. Then my printer ran out of black (no worries), so I reloaded it. It was a faulty cartridge, which I then spent half an hour replacing. I got home, started printing again, and decided I should have lunch (it was 2pm afterall). To sum up the day, we were out of white bread, and I had to have thin sliced brown bread. Nuts.

I also went to pick up my uniform from the dry cleaners, as agreed. They hadn't finished it. The lady assured me it would be ready by first thing Saturday morning. Oh, Friday was going so well.

My printer valiantly continued on. Leaving my printer to run more, I went to NTC, with as many programmes as I had, and got the cadets to collate, fold, and staple them. I left early, to commence 'Operation Barricade'. On the way through, I checked my printer. Had it finished printing? No, it had just run out of paper. I reloaded, and carried on to Littlehampton.

Staurt brought me home, after we declared 'Operation Barricade' a success. I printed the other side of the programmes just printed, and also wrote some letters to go with the raffle vouchers, and made up some tags for the donated prizes. I aslo had recieved some angry messages from people with incorrect parking permits, or missing ones. I printed those of too. With 206 programmes printed (I have no idea how), I finally stumbled into bed at 2.30am.

Saturday (1 day to go)

And so the weekend began. I was up at 8.45am, ready for Graham (the boss, and my friend) from TS Sturdy to arrive at 9.30am. He hadn't arrived by 9.15 (and he is usually very early), and I was beginning to worry. It's okay though, because he knocked on the door at 9.20...

Dry cleaning still not ready - Dad had to collect for me.

We had agreed ages ago that we would hire a van, which I would drive, and Graham would ride shotgun. We headed for Lancing. We would have picked up stuff from Intrepid's garages, but my keys were in Ernie, in Littlehampton. We still picked up chairs and tables from the Lions hall, where Paul (my first lieutenant and friend - who has an upside-down head) met us. Together we piled into the big transit of fun, and headed for Southwick, the National Headquarters is.

Unfortunatley, even the traffic was against us. Gridlock. The usual 10 minute journey took over 40. We actually phoned the guy meeting us at NHQ to let us in, and asked him if he could move Southwick closer, because it would be easier than us getting to him. We did eventually arrive, and I backed the long wheel base Transit down the tightest road in the world. On one side is Shoreham Harbour (yes, where I nearly parked my car in the drink last year) with many cars parked along the bank. On the other side are lots of overhanging low balconies that could take out the roof. I didn;t hot a single thing.

The rest of the day consisted getting everything sorted out in Littlehampton, and returning to Lancing and home for stuff (more than once to home). I borrowed Mum and Dad's 'pop-up' gazeebo for my stall. I knew that it had the odd broken pole here and there, but Mum and Dad insisted that I would never get the thing up. I couldn't work out what they were so worried about. I took the gaffer (duct) tape, expecting to joing the odd snapped pole back together.

I opened the bag to find that Dad had completely unbolted the frame. I reconstructed the frame, to find that half of the poles were missing. Determined not to be beaten, I reconstructed one side out of spare poles, and gaffer taped more poles together to form a roof support. The legs had to be held on place by metal stakes hammered 1ft in the ground. Through the power of gaffer tape, the stall, missing half of it's poles, stayed up the entire weekend.

I had also agreed to be security overnight. Some of Implacable's cadets' parents joined Brian Turner (an NHQ officer, and Graham's Dad), and Tyler and John (the miracle workers of TS Intrepid) joined me for a fun evening. I went out and got Chinese, as well as all of the kit I needed for sleeping. In my haste in the van, I took one roundabout a bit too quickly.

Not illegally quick, but apparently faster than I should have because, as I went round, something didn't feel quite right. It was at that point I realised I had put the long-wheelbase Transit into a skid. As best I could, I corrected the skid, and I ended up back on the straight and narrow, and on the dual carriageway. I must have gone as white as a sheet. That was easily the most scared I have been in a vehicle (and I have been a passenger in Holly's car several times...). However, it is possibly also the coolest thing ever - I can now say that I have (albeit unintentionally) power slided a long-wheelbase Ford Transit round a roundabout.

The security eveny went quietly. I went to bed on a camp bed in the back of 'my Transit'. I must have been tired, becuase I rolled over in the pitch black on thge van (no windows)...

Sunday (the day had arrived)

...and when I rolled back over, I couldn't wprk out what the light on the ceiling was. It was a hole in the roof, and it was daylight! 6.30am, and Tyler came up to the door, and told me it was time to get up. Oh joy...

I needed a wee, but I decided I would just get 'this done' first... and that's how my morning went. I kept doing various different jobs, and people kept needing me for stuff. It wasn't until everyone had arrived, I had set mum up with the stall, and TS Intrepid were ready to march on that I finally found some time. Many people had come up to my 'information' stall, and asked for parking permits. I think by about the fifth request (and after much sleep deprivation) I was starting to get 'ratty' with people accusing me of incompetence, and not having passes, that I nearly shouted at one, and told them that they should have requested it two weeks ago!

Anyways, I wasn't the only person who had a busy morning. Stuart had woken up, and also decided to 'just get that done' before using the loo. Oddly, we both met at the public loos at the same time and compared mornings (no, we didn't compare anything else in the gents - you're all sick minded). With the ships forming up, ready to march on, Stu and I took our places with our ships.

I have to say that I thought the day went really well. Stuart had done a fantastic job. The day didn't go exactly how I planned. I had hoped to be on a stall to answer people's questions, and spend about 30mins with Intrepid's band marching along the prom. Nice and relaxed. Wrong. I didn't set down for more than 30mins in the entire day (except for driving). There also wasn't a single band engagement that I didn't end up running accross a field for.

The best one was at the end of the day. I helped Stuart do the raffle draw, and we were just finishing, when someone announced that the region would now march on for Sunset. I ran accross the parade field, picked up my baritone, and ran to the back of the field to fall-in. I was sorting my music, when the drum major brought the band to the ready. Hang on, I'm not ready... Then I was. I brought my baritone up to my face, and saw the mouth piece was missing. So I ran back behind the stalls, to my stall where my mouthpiece was, and then sprinted back to the band. Then we marched on.

Once the parade was over (and I think we all looked and sounded great - including our last minute ageement to brass enseble Sunset), I relaxed. The day was over, and we could all go home. No we couldn't, we still had to take everything down. I changed out of uniform, and then panicked when i found the van keys missing. Sam (one of my senior cadets) found them in the bed of the van.

Thankfully, a friend of mine, Natalie, from Zealous had agreed to help me in the van. We were off of the field by 6.30pm (which suprised Brian Turner, who has done alot of these, and was convinced that we would eb there until 8). Nat and I first went to McDonalds, as we were both hungry, and I needed to recharge before driving. We dropped some stuff off at home, then to Lancing, and finally to NHQ. I dropped Nat off at her house in Hanover about 9.30pm (incidentally, she lives on a stupidly narrow road, and getting the Transit down there was less than fun).

I dropped the van off at 10.15, and Dad took me to Littlehampton to collect Ernie. I eventually sumbled through the door (after the Police had stopped me on suspicion of drunk driving - no seriously) at 11pm. I laughed at the accusing Police officer, explained my day, and he smiled. 'So you're just knackered then sir?' I think he summed it up.

Well Mark - maybe I'll be more bored this week...

If you think you're getting a post tonight...

...you're very much mistaken! I have slept about 8 hours in the last 48, and since 6.30 this morning, I have sat down for a combined period of 30 mins (ish) - other than driving.

I'm going to bed.

It's been emotional...

I chose to quote one of my university friends for this week's blog title, because it is so apt. As I shook hands with Tom and Batman for the last time in our university career, those are the words Tom chose...

First off, this was my very last week of University. Our final hand-in (of our frankly epic videography project) was 12 noon on Friday, marking the end of my time at the University of Chichester. The easiest thing to do would have been to complete the movie, write the assignment, and burn the DVD on Thursday, so that all I had to do was hand the stuff in on Friday. But you know me boys and girls - why make it easy.

At 1150, the DVD was still burning in the drive, and at 1155, we were still printing parts of our production folder. The University is very strict about deadlines - they actually close and lock the door at 12 noon - late work doesn't get marked! So with minutes to go, my videography group put everything together, abandoned our stuff in the media suite, and ran accross the width of the campus, from the Library to to PE Office. Knowing that they might try and lock the door before we arrived, I chose to wear my 70s cop leather jacket, so that I could heroically bust the door open, shout 'Police!', and look almost believable.

The two lovely ladies in my group were obviosly quite concerned, as we entered the building, and started leaping up the 4 flights of stairs. I wasn't worried at all. Slightly out of breath, we threw the stuff into the hand-in box with at least 30 seconds to spare! It was in fact so tight, that they locked the door whilst we were in there!

Funny really, in the four years that I have studied Adventure Education, I have never seriouslu run to meet a deadline - it took me until my 21st, and final hand-in to need to run for the deadline...

With the excitement of meeting the deadline over, the few of us left finally parted ways, and it only then did reality dawn on me. As I strolled accross the field back to 'The Stoke' where Ernie was parked, I realised that this was the end of what was probably the best four years of my life that I would ever have. And what's more, I would never see 26 of the greatest friends I'd ever had so regularly again.

Think about all of the memories, many of them shared with you on this blog. The fantastic residential visits, the weekends away, the courses, and even the lectures. All of it was over. I looked back at the campus reminiscing, and though how daft it all was. I'm going back in on Monday to get some other stuff done. I know that it will feel somehow different.

With my life already at an empass, this weekend has also been an emotional one on the NTC front. I know alot of it is centimentality from Uni, but my cadets almost brought to the point of tears with pride this weekend. And it's very rare that I can say that. Ironically, it was roughly four years ago, that TS Intrepid faced closure due to lack of cadets. I have worked exceptionally hard to ensure that that doesn't happen. My grand parents were involved with NTC, my parents were NTC, and now I'm with the ship. I'll be damned if I'd let Intrepid sink on my watch.

Well, on Sunday, we lead Lancing Carnival procession, our home town's procession. We've done it before, but we have always had the support of TS Sturdy and Implacable. This year, we lead it on our own. I've neen nervous about it for months . Were we ready? Would the cadets turn up? Would the weather be okay?

Well, not only did we lead the parade, but we lead it brilliantly! We had a band of 20, playing as well as I have ever heard them. We had a group of cadets follwoing, carrying a big TS Intrepid banner, and towing our field gun. On top of that, we had a group of about 20 plus parents waling alongside us, all wearing TS Intrepid high-vis jackets. As we marched down Lancing high street, it dawned on me what we had achieved, and what TS Intrepid had become once again.

There were a few cadets and officers missing - but it is most definitely their loss. I think that we managed to look incredible, and we were a fantastic advertisement for possibilities and hard work. Obviously I haven't been the only one working to save Intrepid, but I definitely feel that I have worked exceptionally hard to get us where we were today. Fantastic.

So, as I said, it's been emotional. And with this emotional post, comes a shock announcement. The end of CATCOUK is near. I had originally planned to stop writing my blog when I finished Uni, but this somehow doesn't quite seem like the end of the story. So I shall continue to write posts, until I receive the results of my University degree. After that, I shall probably write the occasional post for when major things happen: new jobs, new cars (although Ernie will live forever), new relationships (don't hold your breath for that one). I would also write a post if I die, but I hear that they haven't installed broadband in the afterlife yet...

But don't fret, if you really want something to read, there are many posts from the last 3 and a bit years, that will here for as long at Blogger keeps them up. And I'll still be posting for the next couple of weeks as well. Take care, and see y'all next week.

PS - Check out our amazing videography project (with bonus DVD Extras as well). Just go to www.youtube.com/catcouk to see the YouTube home of CAT-TDY Productions. The lastest film is the most expensive ever produced, with a budget of over £25.18! Check it out now! [Also available from all crap DVD stores...]

CATCOUK Extra!

Hello all - just a quick little extra. Thank you to those of you that had a quick scan over our University videography project preview. That has now been taklen off of YouTube, in preparation for Friday's release. In the meantime, if you didn't get to see the preview, you can watch the theatrical trailer to whet your appetite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsFZkC5qPS4

Having seen the finished film (and to give me a critics review for the DVD cover), I am going to award 'Coastal Sport' 4 Escorts out of 5. Beautiful shots, great soundtrack, but a little weak in the story department. But that's pretty much par for the course for a film from CAT-TDY Productions...

That's a scary thought...

I'd like to start off by saying that I have completely recovered from camp last week - but I can't lie. I'm still knackerd. On the plus side, our videography project has come together nicely. There is a preview version available on YouTube, but please don't watch it unless you want to give us some critical feedback. The final cut will be available next week...

On the subject of videography, I have had immense fun this week with it. The whole experience has been a relaxed one, and a real enjoyable experience. But this week, I had to start seriously putting a soundtrack to the video. The soundtrack woudl have to be pretty damn good too, because the story of the film is so flimsy, a wet paperbag looks strong by comparison! But thankfully, Kat did find an amazing piece of dramatic orchestral music to use. And even better than that, the music was available in several different versions. I could bring in the percussion track to add more power when it was needed. Ahh, a true masterpiece if I do say so myself.

Look out for that next week.

As you may have noticed (if you live near me), the weather this weekend has been amazing! And for once, I have used that weather properly. Yesterday evening, I joined one of my friends in Brighton for an evening BBQ, to celebrate some new housemates that she has. It was a good little evening, but spoilt somewhat by one of her previous housemates. Due to some 'personal issues', she decided to take a dislike to me (by saying personal issues I am being diplomatic, and not stating the real reasons for her apparent psychosis). Shame that it ended that way, because it had been a great evening up to that point. After the BBQ qas dealt with, I felt it best to make a tactful departure.

Today (Sunday) I joined my friend Graham, and his wonderful NTC cadets from TS Sturdy, and we went on a little hiking trip, as part of their Duke of Edinburgh's Award training. I haven't done any proper D of E work for years, and it was great to get back into that saddle. Really good bunch of cadets too, that showed alot of promise. Regardless, it was a beautiful way to spend the day, in the glorious weather. Good walk, good scenery, good friends. What more could you want?

Only a short post this week, because I feel that you should stop reading, and go out and enjoy the weather. That comment doesn't work if you are either:
A - reading this late in the week (which is your fault), and the weather has turned, or
B - somewhere else other than beautiful Sussex (which is still your fault).

To end, I would like to refer to the title of this week's post. Mum went on holiday to Tenerife on Friday (yes, leaving the Clarke men to fend for themselves). As she was leaving, I wished her a happy holiday, and jokingly said: 'The next time you see me [next Saturday], I won't be a student anymore... just unemployed [said with a confused look]'. Until I said that, the reality of my situation hadn't really hit home. I should probably go out and find a job, huh?

Quote of the week: 'What do you think you were doing?' the old geezer asked me, as he got out og his car, after bumping into the back og Holly's car. The reason this is the quote, is because I had to reply 'Firstly sir, I was the passenger, and secondly, you hit us!' Silly old fart. Still his car had many scratches, and Holly's car had none - all good then (and yes, he was at fault).

A very tiring week...

Okay, so all of the serious work has been done at Uni now, and you'd think that I'd get a restful week out of it. Nah. NTC stepped in to fill the void, and so I had yet more late nights. I also had some restless nights worrying about camp, and the last-minure approach that I had been forced to take (it's worth mentioning that the camp went off without a hitch, and I needn't have worried - thanks to Graham and his staff from TS Sturdy).

All week, I have been furiously editing a video for my last module at University. In honesty, we don't have the right footage. We've got lots of great photoage, but producing an actual story is going to take a work of such genious, that the editor is probably going to be getting job offers to work with Steven Spielberg. Fortunately, I enjoy this, and it has been a real pleasure going to Uni this week.

On Friday morning, we had to show the rest of our module class our videos. They were all really good, but I was naturally very proud of our video. I am especially pleased with the intoduction. It starts with a really cinematic sequence of climbing, finishing with a dramatic zoom-out from a sea cliff. At the moment we using Michael Giacchino's new soundtrack intro to Star Trek, which sounds amazing, but we need to find a license free alternative (which is gutting us). But that is frankly academic, because the part of the video that everyone will be talking about is after the opening titles - the driving sequence. With a very funky 70s-esk theme, Ernie drives past the camera, and we see Ernie pull up in the car park. Fantastic. (This will be available on YouTube as soon as it's finished - if that ever happens)

Friday night, before camp Saturday morning, we held our AGM and an awards night in one evening at TS Intrepid. The awards night usually lasts an hour, and the AGM can last an hour also. With that in mind, when the boss (Brian) said we's be finished by 9, you'd think we'd start a little early. No, 7.30. But despite this, somehow it was pulled off, and nothing seemed rushed - more through luck than judgement? Incidentally, this also meant that our usual Friday to Monday bank holiday was crashed, and we had to start on Saturday morning...

Anyways, we had to pack for camp, and I am not allowed to tow the NTC box trailer, due to our country's ridiculous and expensive licensing system. Dad stepped in, and off we went to the lockup. It was pitch black, and we didn't pack the trailer very well. It soon filled up, and so did Ernie. Lots of stuff was left in the garage, and I would have to pick up my trailer, and finish off on Saturday morning. In frustration, I shut my boot heavily, and just as it was closing, a bottle of ketchup rolled in the way.

You know what happenned, and you don't need to read that the ketchup exploded - all over Ernie's boot carpet. I never have thge carpet in - but this evening, when ketchup exploded everywhere, I did. Worse still, I lifted the tailgate to inspect the damage, not realising that a large ammount of ketchup had landed on the bottom of the tailgate. Sure enough, with the tailgate raised above my head, the ketchup dripped down, into my hair, and all over my white NTC shirt. Nuts. Oddly, driving back home, I can only assume West Sussex smelt of Ketchup, because that's all I could smell in my car - even with the window down!

Camp was generally a success, and many a funny tale is to be told. However, what happens on camp - stays on camp! But there is one thing I have to mention. Monday morning, I got out of my tent, and looked up at the sky. With a sigh, I said to myself 'We're not going to get away with this...' Rain was impending, and I really didn't want to dry a million tents. Bearing in mind that I had just woken up (along with many of the cadets), I shouted 'Right kids, pack your kit, take it to the minibus, and then get the tents down.' Did it work? Did it bugger. Dad and I were hanging wet tents for nearly an hour in the lockup. (Fortunately we had left the big tents up, and they were mostly dry when we took them down after the sun came out)

Anyways, whilst we were all huddling in our fantastic HQ tent, Graham texted on of his officers in Chichester for a weather report. Chichester would get the same weather as our camp, but about 20-30 minutes earlier. Spud apparently has taken meteorology at school, so we could expect a pretty good report. This is what we got: 'Well, I can't hear rain against my window, so it's probably stopped. But it could just be raining lightly'. Brilliant. Thanks for that. Couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed...

That's it from me. Despite having nearly 11 hours of sleep last night, I'm still knackered, and need to crash into bed. Goodnight!

No chance

Sorry, but despite my best intentions, I am just too nackered to write. I have spent all week having sleepless nights worrying about camp (worried whether it had been completely organised) - and then I was up 'til 2 sorting out some ill children. So, I need to have some sleepy time now, but if you're all good boys and girls, I may write something up tomorrow.

Just to whet your appetitite, here's what you can look forward to: the ketchup explosion, videography, and camp news (ooh, I say - no not that kind of camp).

Goodnight.

Quick one

Going camping with NTC for weekend - post will be a day late.

Three posts in a row

Something is definitely wrong. This is the third post that has been written, on time, in a row. This cannot be good news...

It's alright though, I haven't got much to say this time. Firstly, despite the fact that he clearly has a very severe engine issue that my friend Michael and I have been unable to fathom, Ernie continues to march on steadfastly. No matter what the job, my amazing nearly 23 year old car does whatever is asked of him. No matter the distance, no matter the destination, no matter the reason - Ernie is the unstopable force.

Having said that, Ernie did have a little hiccup this week. Running slightly late, Ernie once again fired up into action, and got me to University in cracking time through traffic. On the way, I have to join a road at a staggered junction. Just as I was pulling out (after admittedly using slightly too much right foot) Ernie decided that, nah, he's not playing any more. The engine cut out, and I hadn't enough speed to complete the tunr onto the road. So there I was, sat in the middle of the road, with an engine that won't start, looking at two streams of traffic barreling down on me. I couldn't help but think 'Oh dear, this is somewhat unfortunate and inconvenient...'.

With no luck after several attempts, I decided the only way to stop completely blocking the road, was to give Ernie a hand, and for the very first time since I have taken ownership of my amazing car, push him. Fortunately, Ernie is nothing if he isn't light, and despite being the world's most capabel estate car, I can easily steer him, whilst having the driver's doop open, and push. We were quickly in the opposite side road.

A very nice man jumped out of his car, and ran over to give us a hand. Whilst he pushed from the boot, he asked 'Out of petrol, is it?'. To which I replied, with a sigh 'No, just old...'. Anyways, I sat back in my car, waited a few seconds (as I was convinced the engine was just flooded), and then Ernie roared back into life again. I really must get some money together to get the engine sorted.

Second important news of the week, is my eagerly awaited review of a new film: Star Trek. I know that CATCOUK has become very popular over the years, and my reviews have become very important within the industry (I'm not sure which industry, but probably something like flying pig breeders). Anyways, I understand J J Abrams himself has been waiting on the edge of his seat (not) to read this. He really does (not) want to know how many Escorts out 5 his new interpretation of this old classic will be awarded. So here we go.

As many of you will know, I am a definite trekkie. I am not ashamed to say that I think my life has been effected for the better by the high ideals and concepts presented by Star Trek, and for me, Captain Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty are the crew for me. I will admit that I was initially skeptical of the concept of yet another prequal (has no one got an orginal story to tell anymore), but I was very welcome to accept a new adventure with my favourite crew.

I am pleased to say that I was not disappointed. And on so many levels. J J Abrams is a genious, and the writers have achieved a modern day masterpiece. They have developed a story that is very exciting, simple, and full of action - just want 'normal people' want to watch. But more than that, they have managed to weave in a blend of inside jokes, nods, and comments that give us trekkies like me to appreciate. But better than that, if you're willing to read between the lines, it is very acceptable story, that could be cannon (trekkies, look up Star Trek countdown).

There are definite flaws - what the heck is 'red matter'? Star Trek has never given us such a vague concept before. The main plot of the story revolves around black holes, but black holes just don't do what they said in the film. The term 'quantum singularity' would probably have solved this plot flaw, but we all know that non-trek fans would have been confused. Fair play. But don't fear too much, just like Trek of old, the bad-guy isn't very well explained, and the character is a little flat (although brilliantly portrayed).

Zachary Quinto plays an amazing Spock - very well done sir. And he really does look like a young Leonard Nimoy. Simon Pegg did not dissappoint with Scotty, although he joined a little late (the biggest cheer from the audience I was with was when Mr. Scott said 'I'm giving it all she's got captain!'). And for me, a special congratulations to Karl Urban, who has got the spirit of Bones McCoy down to a tee. I have nothing against Chris Pine, but I don't think this story was about Kirk. And that is a huge departure from older Star Trek. I think it would be difficult for anyone to play Captain Kirk, so I'm not going to criticise him. I think we'll see better when he's allowed to sit in the captain's chair in the already ordered sequal.

Ultimately, this is an amazing film that is worth seeing whether you have been a fan of the previous Star Trek films or not. There is something for everyone, action, adventure, and humour (something never achieved convincingly by Trek before). Trek fans, go and see it. Expect to see a new adventure with the characters you remember and love, but don't expect a Trek-worthy plot with many complications.

From my enthusiasm, I'm sure you know where this is going. 4 Escorts out of 5, and a Starship Enterprise. I would love to give a fifth Escort, but fear that there are just a few too many flaws for that maximum rating (but I did give it a starship Enterprise as well). J J Abrams has done a wonderful job, and this is a film to satisfy all. I'm really looking forward to the next one.

Wow, that was the most comprehensive review ever!

Lastly, I was invited to a quix night tonight with TS Sturdy in Chichester. I love quizzes, because I like to have my brain stretched, and feel accomplishment. It's not about the winning, it definitely is about the taking part. But when Graham invited me, I didn't know that he had got the questions from MENSA! Well, maybe not MENSA, but it was definitely the hardest quiz I have even attended. Let me put it this way - the easist questions were the brain teaser questions near the end (I answered all but 1 of them, and 1 I only solved after someone made a comment).

I had the opportunity to join any team really. There was one team of only cadets, but I don't like to diminish cadet's achievements. If I'd known that the questions were going to be this hard, I would have helped them out to give them a chance. Well, at least they won a consolation bag of sweets. I know that I am trying to recover from the massive strain Uni put me under, but I don't think my brain is that far gone!

Regardless of the impossible questions, it was a fun evening, so thanks very much Graham.

Well, you;ll be pleased to hear that I am now well on the way to recovery from Uni. My last serious essay was handed in Friday, just a video left. I coming out of my long spell of depression, and over-taxing, and I think I'm coming back better than ever. I'm nearly back up to speed with NTC (although there are still some messes that even I can't clear up - Intrepid officers, you know what I mean [cough] AGM), and all is well with the world. Just need to get a job now then.

Goodnight.

(the long awaited return of the...)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: 'Oh, I thought it was only the 8th today' replied Hannah, after bursting into the room and asking what the date would be next weekend. Yeah, think about that.

An exciting week!

Well boys and girls, where do I start? My life has taken a sudden U-turn, and I have many exciting things to bring up in this week's instalment of my life. No, I won't have to complain about all the hours spent behind a computer (well, not much anyway), because stuff has started to happen in my life again. Hold on tight, here we go...

First off, with my dissertation so nearly complete, I had been advised to go and see a tutor about my results section. My personal dissertation tutor wasn't 100% confident with his statistics, so he said it would be prudent to get Hodgo to browse over it. I had feared that he would find a problem with my results, and then I'd have to re-write the second half of my dissertation. Of course, my luck's never that bad, especially if I'm writing about it on my blog...

Yeah right. There was a alight problem (which did in fact make my results a little stronger), and so I spent all day Wednesday re-writing the latter half of my dissertation. Oh deep joy... Never mind though, because after 7 hours of hard work, it was done! I spent three hours at work in the evening (an hour of which was spent formatting my dissertation), and then went home for a nice sleep. More dissertation adventures to come later on!

My dissertation tutor had advised me to take a night off. Watch a film, or do something that wasn't working. Okay, so I go to NTC, but let's be honest, that is work (although it's definitely less annoying than writing a dissertation). It just so happens that I get a text message Tuesday morning from one of my NTC friends in Brighton. Natalie said that she had some free tickets to a show, and asked if I'd like to go with her, and some of her other friends and family. Well, it's a night out. Here is a photo of me, standing with some of the cast...

Of course I asked what the show was before I agreed to go and see it. At the time, I'd never heard of the show, and just thought that it was some comedy thing. After some research later in the day, I found out that the 'Lady Boys of Bangkok' wasn't the comedy show that I had assumed it was. And if you hadn't already guessed, yes, the people in the photo above are actually MEN. No, really, they've all got cocks.

I have to say that the show as very funny, and there was this one Thai bloke who was definitely a Thai Graham Norton. He played the least convincing lady boy. At several points in the show, male members of the audience were set upon by the performers, with one guy even being stripped of his shirt, and his nipple poked with an umbrella. I was lucky enough to be in the middle of the audience, and in no danger of being caught (incdentally, the man did get his shirt back, after the lady boy pulled it between their thighs, and bending over in front of him...).

There was one dance that disturbed me greatly though. Towards the end of one of the acts, the performers stripped to wearing only bikinis. Trying desperatly hard to remember that these were in fact men, I didn't know where to look. They looked like attractive women that should be watched, but they were men! Very troubling. If I wasn't sexually confused before, I sure am now...

In the intermission, Natalie dragged me up on stage to have my photo taken (the one above). Other members of the NTC were there, and proceeded to pass the image around like wildfire. Comments have been made like 'Which one is Andy Clarke - I think he's the one on the left', and 'Andy Clarke was thrown out after this photo for groping one of the Lady Boys'. Sigh. But the best comment award has to go to my colleague Roz, who, when shown the picture, disdainfully replied 'they're all men aren't they?' Everyone else had at least thought for a moment that they were women, so I asked her why ashe came to this conclusion so quickly. 'Well,' she replied, 'I knew you wouldn't be standing next to that many women that looked that hot.' Oh thanks for that.

Thursday turned out to be a long day. Far from the Pavillion Green in Brighton, and the many Lady Boys (I did wonder which toilet they'd use, as I visited the facilities after the show), Ernie took four university friends and I to Dorset for the day. We started filming for our 'Adventure Sports Videography' documentary, on Sport Climbing. I cannot tell you how good it was to be outside after months of sitting in front of a computer. We were in a coastal quarry near Swanage, right on the sea. The weather wasn't brilliant, but it was fantastic to get rid of the cobwebs. Very cleansing.

For one part of the filiming, it was necessary to record a clip of the climbers driving into the car park. For production reasons, it was necessary to use a stunt vehicle. And yes, you've guessed it, Ernie the Escort was that car. In one day, Ernie added two more jobs to his CV: OB (Outside Broadcast) truck, and stunt car. Because I thought it would be funny, I had Luke drive the car (because of the two climbers, he was the one without a driving license). It was a private gravel car park, so no laws were ebing broken.

Although he didn't have a license, I know that he had ridden motorcycles, and lots of other interesting vehicles. He sounded almost excited to be driving Ernie (and well, who wouldn't!), but didn't actually tell me that he had never driven a car before. He asked Phil (the other climber) which pedal did what! To his credit, he did alright. Except for the excessive revving to find the biting point of the clutch. I've never been so worrried and felt so powerless in my entire life...

To finish then, I shall complete the miserable story of my dissertation. Because I had been filming on Thursday, I asked my poorly mum to take my printed disertations (two copies) to the Bognor Campus to be bound (they had to be handed in 24 hours in advance). Mum did this without any hassle.

So, feeling almost relaxed, I awoke Friday morning to go and collect them, and hand them in to the Chichester officer, where the deadline was 12 noon. After a short period of worry (where the reprographics office couldn't find my work), I got back in the car at 11 - leaving me a whole hour to complete the 20-minute drive to Chichester in peace, and hand in the documents. I just started to pull one copy out of the envelope to have a look, when a dark thought dawned on me. I had to hand in a CD with a copy on as well, and I hadn't even burnt the CD, let alone brought it with me. Oh dear...

So, I had to race back home (which is twenty minutes in the wrong direction, ruch upstairs, and get the computer going. Fortunately, I had bought a new laptop in January, and Vista is very quick. Less than five minutes later, I was back behind the wheel of my glorious Mark IV Escort. We raced towards Chichester, as fast as the law would allow (honest officer!). After hitting a spot of traffic in Arundel, I arrived at the University, and rushed to the PE Office (I didn't actually run, that would have made me out of breath!). I bolted up the flights of stairs to the third floor, and appeared in the PE Office. I handed my work in with just 5 minutes to spare. Well, it would have been boring, and less blogging material to hand it in with plenty of time to spare (why do I do it to myself?).

And on that note, it is time for bed boys and girls. Feel free to comment, it makes me think that spending time writing this carp is worth while...

CATCOUK returns!

After a two-month break, CATCOUK is finally back! And shockingly, unlike every other show that ran out of material, this isn't some poorly remade prequal. No, no, this is the continuing story, with fresh and new material every week.

Okay, so first, a quick recap of what's been going on. The last two months of my life (and probably every other university student in their final year - definitely my friends and colleagues) has been absolute hell. The first three years of the Adventure Education degree at the University of Chichester were great, but this final year has been less interesting than being forced to read the complete works of William Shakespeare in one week. Honestly, only two modules have even remotely interested me.

Worse still, has been the 10 00 word dissertation hanging over my head. It's a massive project that has to conform to strict regulations, and must be devoid of any creativity. I guess I feel sorry for the tutors that have to read it (just drink lots of coffee first). Anyways, as a wise profit once asked, 'How do you eat an elephant? In small chunks.' Well I definitely took that approach, somedays struggling to bash out more than a paragraph. I would just sit at my computer, and find other distractions (Facebook, BBC iPlayer [which is awesome], and the Channel 4 catch-up service). Honestly, there were some days where I had sat at the computer for 6 hours, and not typed a single chuffin' word!

But worst of all, so preoccupied by the massive job ahead of me, I couldn't do anything else. I can't sleep, I have a dissertation to write. I can't write my blog, I have a dissertation to write. I can't do this, I have a dissertation to write. I can't do that, I have a dissertation to write. I can't take a dump, I have a dissertation to write. Fortunately, this did eventually leave me so full of crap, that I was able to complete my dissertation, and still have some left over to write this post.

So that has been my last few months. Of course it wasn't all doom and gloom. As well as dealing with intense feelings of depression and stress, there have been some highlights. If you are on the Face Book, you may well have seen some of those events. After many years, my best friend Michael and I went to see our radio hero - Terry Garoghan. Praise be to the bald! The show was awesome, and I can't wait for next year.

My best friend and I developed a new method of measuring torque in cars. We feel that the best measure of this is now 'how many horses can a car drag in a direction in which they do not wish to be dragged'. This soon-to-be global standard measurement of torque is abbreviated to HDDWTDWDs. We feel that this easy to use system will be adopted very soon. For example, Ernie's torque would be measured at: 5 HDDWTDWDs (5 horses dragged in a direction in which they did not wish to be dragged). That was mildly amusing. We may have been at the pub when we developed this.

Another high point was finally fitting some mud guards to Bernie the battleship (my homemade road trailer). They look awesome.

And that's about it for the positives. Wow, I really have had a dull life in the last few weeks. Probably best that I didn't write any blog posts..

So, now we're back. All this week, I have furiously been promoting CATCOUK's relaunch. This was mainly through quoting this post on my FaceBook status. The first one was quoted from above, but all the rest are made up, for example:
-And that's when I knew he was gay. A bit too late in my opinion.

-That could so easily have caused an explosion. That was one close call...

-like having my teeth pulled out by a man with hooks for his hands, that suffers from Parkinsons.

First things first - this post wouldn't be a post without a picture of my marivelous (if not increasingly tempermental) car - Ernie the Escort. So here's a picture of my 1986 Ford Escort 1.4 GL Estate in champagne gold (or my youth group's mini-minibus) on our way to camp!

You'll notice that my long suffering car is full to the gunwhales with stuff for camp. So full in fact, that it spilled over into a trailer. So it was a good job that my homemade trailer (Bernie the Battleship) was there to help. I'm very proud of my trailer, especially now I have bolted mud-guards to it. So let's have another photo looking at that!

Camp was fantastic - we really do have a cracking bunch of cadets. Fun was had by all. Because I end up trying to do so much, I usually end up being a little late to meet the kids. But that wasn't going to happen this time. I had 45 minutes to spare. But I guess the God of NTC decided it wasn't to be (although I don't know how Mr. Ginnaw mannaged it...)

I left a roundabout, and joined a dual-carriageway, just in time to see a very unusual queue of traffic for as far as they eye could see. Oh bo**ocks. I wouldn;t make it in time to collect the cadets. Worse still, I had the only set of keys to get into the campsite. If I was stuck here for too long, we were all stuffed. In 40 minutes, we crawled 1/2 mile. At one point, I switched Ernie's engine off, and went for a stroll around the traffic, and talk to other irate drivers. Bless the police for closing the road. Incidentally, I think a car had knocked some kids over, so it was quite serious.

I left the accident scene with 10 minutes to travel the usual 20 minutes to meet the cadets. As I'm sure you can imagaine, by driving was somewhat... enthusiastic. I'll tell you, one Porche driver must have got an eye test afterwards, as he thinks he was over taken leaving a roundabout by a 1980's Escort towing a metal trailer (he was right). I did get there after 15 minutes. Not bad when you consider I was towing...

This week has seen further fiddling with the dissertation, but that's quite a dull subject. Although my tutor was very impressed. He said that in the six years he had done the job, it was probably one of the best. More than that though, he said that it might be worth getting it published. How cool is that?

My week has finished with a pleasant day at the Corps 'other' boating centre, Attentive, in Shoreham Harbour. I ran the sailing all day, wearing what can only be described as a very stylish hat. Alright, so I looked like a pillock as usual. But at least it was a good day, and fun was had by all.

Well, that's CATCOUK's massive return. Was it worth the wait, and all of the build-up on FaceBook? Nah, probably not. But you still read it though didn't you? So off you go, back to work, or to your dissertations and essays, and I shall stumble off to my DVD player to watch an episode or two of Thunderbirds. I lead a sad life, but it's the only life I've got.

And on that bombshell, I need to start thinking about something for next week's post. Same time, same place. CATCOUK, only available... on the internet!

PS - Don't forget to leave a comment so I feel wanted. And welcome to a new reader from the US, who must now think that all English guys are like me. There not, some of them are even weirder (like the people that actually read this).

We're not dead yet...

Evening boys and girls. Watch this space, and spread the word. Having almost complete the hell that was my 10 000 word dissertation for University, there will be a brand new CATCOUK post coming this weekend.

CATCOUK is back, and this time it's... oh nuts, I can't think of a decent slogan.

Just tune in on Monday morning, and tell all your friends. CATCOUK will return...

Next Monday morning, only (pause for TV announcer dramatic effect)... on the internet (and maybe your mobile phones, and game consoles with internet access).

I think Ernie's engine has ADHD

Hello one and all. Long time no see. I know that I said I would put a pictire of my life drawing... drawings up, but I haven't taken a photo yet. Sorry. And just to clear the issue up - no, I wasn't the model. There is such a things a public health you know - no one wants to see me naked.

As you know, many events happen in my life. Many of those events get discarded away because they are very dull. Take today for example, Mum and I went looking around the local charity shops. We didn't really buy anything, we just like to have a nose at what people are throwing out. Anyways, some events happen that are really blog worthy - and you may have even read about some of them. On rare ocassions, there are things that happen that would make for great reading, and proove what a pathetic life I lead, whilst giving everyone a good laugh, but can't be written about for one reason or another.

This has happened once again. It would make for great reading. Unfortunatly, you'll just have to imagine what it is, because I am a decent gent, that knows when to be discreet. Sorry about that.

On the other hand, I am going to write something very rare - Ernie has yet another problem. I'm gutted - in the space of three months, Ernie's near spotless reliability record has been slashed. This current problem doesn't really count though, because he still works. My engine won't idle (take that to mean what you will) unless the choke is fully out (that's right - an old-school manual choke hath Ernie...). I have no idea what is going on. It's a little like the engine is getting bored - whenever I take my foot off the accelerator, the engine decides to sleep.

Whilst I was driving today, it occurred what is going on. Ernie's engine has developed ADHD. When it's not doing something, it get's bored and does something else. I seeked advice from my Spanish technical advisor (Mr. Haynes Manwell), but ADHD isn't a common problem in engines. If you have any ideas, put your answers on a postcard please.

On a final positive note though, I did discover that the winderful garage that is W. Jones and Sons of Bognor (a.k.a. the miracle workers) have kept stamping my service book. It's rare to find a car as old as Ernie with the original owner's manual, original stereo manual, and service book. But I have a complete sevice book! That's right, Ernie has a Full Service History (FSH). However, the book is nearly full now. I am thinking of writing to Ford, explaining that I have completed my service book. Could I know please have a new one?

My dad suggested that there might be a prize for completing the stamp book. I'm hoping that it's a Transit van!

Goodnight.