Best care anywhere

Having had a week off thanks to Michael last week, I have plenty of E-mail material. This being the case, I planned to tell you this week about my trip to ‘The Reasonably Sized Apple’ also known as New York, and all about the Boy Scout Camp that I work at – Ockanickon (I spelt that off of my name badge by the way, I would probably have spelt it with a V and 2 T’s).

However, something else pretty big has come up this week, so I will try and cram it all in, and we’ll see where we can get.

Last Saturday my sponsor ‘dad’ Bill took me to see New York. I must say that it is an incredible city. The buildings are so large, almost to the point of being unbelievable, and bizarrely, the Statue of Liberty was shorter than I had expected. Obviously, NYC is nowhere near as spectacular as the sunny shores of Sussex, but there you are.

Me and my friend Bill Vincent on the Stattan islan Ferry, with Manhatten in the background.

A big point of interest was ground zero, the site of the former buildings that made up much of the World Trade Centre, and The Twin Towers. There are still burn marks on some of the surrounding buildings, and the site is still being cleared nearly 6 years after the disaster. It really is a site to see. Especially when you imagine the towering structures that had been there previously.

A gaping hole in the middle of New York City: Ground Zero.

Whilst in New York, we had Chinese. But not just any Chinese. This was the best sample of Chinese cuisine that I have ever tried. Just unbelievably good. On the subway trip home, I was surprised that the New York State Transport Department had made an significant extension to their subway system. I’m sure everyone around me thought I was made when I took this photo.A major extension has been added to the New York Subway, you can now get all the way bto Brighton.

But onto the main event. The whole reason for me coming to America: Ockanickon Scout Reservation. I had several pre-conceptions of what the campsite might be like (as I had with the whole of the US in fact). I had expected the campsite to feel alien to me, and for everything to be a bit strange. And although some aspects of the sight are odd, bizarrely, the place kind of feels like home.

The thing that I still can’t get my head around is the equipment the scout camp uses. Although I know that the gear itself is not that old, the design dates back to WWI. In fact, some of the beds in the lodges are WWII surplus! Either way, sleeping in their big heavy canvass tent felt like being in an episode of M*A*S*H*. This is an observation that will come back and bite me on the ass.

At the campsite, I have two main jobs: Assistant Sailing Director (although the director is severely under qualified, I’ve had to bail him out several times this week. I may use them next week), and I am also on the Rock Climbing staff. Because of the laws of magic, the lake that we sail on only gets wind in the afternoons during the summer, so I go to the climbing department on the afternoons.The SS Corpulent Porpoise, the 22ft boat that I am chief of the boat of.

The SS Corpulent Porpoise as we have called her is a bit of a bath tub. Don’t get me wrong, she sails beautifully, I but these Boy Scouts have no idea how to look after nautical equipment. This boat has been abused and mistreated, and really needed some TLC when I arrived. We have had some great fun with her though.

I have two stories about the boat. Firstly, Thursday we were practicing man overboard drills. Back in the UK, I have always tied a Life Jacket (or PFD [Personal Floatation Device] as the crazy Yanks call them) to a bucket. So this we did. The first Scout goes to save ‘Bob’, and then runs straight over him (by accident), almost exactly in the middle, between the bucket and the Life Jacket.

This resulted in the whole man overboard dummy getting dragged underneath, and along the keel, to end up wrapped around the centre board. This further resulted in the boat being almost completely un-sailable. In short, you could sail down wind, but not up it. Of course the wind was coming from the marina over half a mile away. Most people would just switch a motor on at this point, but unfortunately the Corpulent Porpoise isn’t fitted with one. So the kids paddled the 22ft sloop the half mile back to the marina against the wind. They were tired after that, and sadly there weren’t enough paddles for the instructors to paddle…

Second amusing story happened Friday, after we had finished repairing the boat. We had loads of wind that morning, so we were screaming along the lake. As we were thundering along, we noticed a very attractive young lady in a rowing boat, wearing a green bikini. Please bear in mind that the BSA (Boy Scouts of America) don’t have girls in it, and so the majority of instructors tend to be blokes. I had, in fact, almost forgotten what a woman looked like.

So naturally all of the crew on the boat are male, and were gawping at her. I was standing at the back of the boat with the main sheet in my hands (that’s the rope that pulls the big sail in and out). She realised that 6 blokes were just staring at her, whilst they shot past on a yacht. She waived at us awkwardly, so naturally, being the only gentleman on board (and the only Briton, see the link…) I waved back.

Having looked really cool up until this point, I was a little shocked when I felt the main sheet (rope) get harder. No, there’s no innuendo there. I turned around to see my crewmates all letching, and slowly turning the boat. At the point, the wind caught the sail (as the boat was turning), and most people fell off their feet, and right across the boat. The helmsman lost all his senses, and performed a sharp turn, and for all intents and purposes, we were in chaos. How those sirens of the sea effect us guys.

Unfortunatly, because this is a Boy Scout of America site, I have to wear Boy Scout uniform, as does every other member of staff. Oh my goodness, I have never seen so many knobbly knees in all my life. I try to avoid wearing it, but I have to wear it at least every day, so that I can salute the American flag (the other days I can wear my NTC uniform). So, by popular demand, here is a picture of me as a boy scout. Please bare in mind, I only wore those socks as a joke. I usually wear normal socks. Woohoo. A Scout uniform, don't I look cool...

Lastly, I rope this long post back to the title for this week. As I said earlier on, the camping reminds me of the TV Show M*A*S*H*. Even the beds (or cots) that we sleep in. But as I said, that came back to bite me on the backside. This was our first week of activities (last week was all set up), and somehow, a virus was brought onto the site. Tests were done, and we know it was not food or the water supply. It’s basically a cruise ship virus (people being sick, and er… emptying the bowels). As I have sat here and wrote this, I know that the camp manager has had a meeting with the department of health, and they have taken samples.

But I digress. As yet, don’t worry mum, I’m okay. Tuesday night we evacuated the campsites, and stayed in buildings for a few hours whilst a thunder storm went through. Almost straight after that, loads of people went to the Health Officer. The campsite has an impressive ‘Health Lodge’ which is like a small medical centre. They even have a ward to sleep ill people in. That night several people were sent home, or in severe cases to hospital!

After Tuesday night, there were a few isolated cases, but we thought we had taken enough measures to stop it. Well we thought wrong. On Thursday night, I was Duty Officer (DO), and a second wave of sick people came through. In the midst of this, we had to evacuate a group that were wild camping for the night, because of another thunderstorm. Thursday night was far worse than Tuesday. We had so many sick people, that the Health Lodge was swamped. The emergency protocols were opened, which basically said, ‘ha ha, your on your own…’.

So thinking on their feet the staff set up 22 beds in a lodge close to the Health Lodge. But even that wasn’t enough. We had to cram ill people in there. At the moment, the current total of ill people (some have recovered, some are still in beds, some have gone home, and some are in hospital) stands at around 70 (including, Scouts, Adults and Staff). It’s an incredible site. I don’t know many places could do that. And now it really was like a scene from M*A*S*H*.

As I said, I was DO, so I helped out as much as I could. I couldn’t do anything on the medical front, but I did check in with troops, and keep the medical staff, and helpers fed and watered (with very strong coffee). I was up to 3am doing this.

The virus is spread through bodily fluids (mainly sweat), but also becomes airborne through vomit fumes. Well, I was around a lot of ill people last night, and the medical officer looked at me when I got back from sailing, and told me to go rest (hence how I got the time to write this). Well, in my usual fashion, sheer bloody mindedness will keep me well. I will not be ill.

Once again, I hope all is well in Blighty, and keep in touch.

If you have had some rain the week, why not leave a comment, starting your message with ‘I live in Britain’.

If you have not had some rain this week, why not leave a longer comment, be smarmy, starting with ‘I live in neither Britain, or Okanickon Scout Camp’.

Quote of the Week: ‘There are more ways to kill a dog than to choke it with butter’. Apparently, it is a Chinese proverb (we were looking for them on the ‘net to put in the camp newsletter), but if you can work out what it means, please tell me. Or if you can just work out why someone may wish to kill a dog, by choking it with butter, I would be fascinated.

Faster, Further, Higher, and for Longer (again)!

A great big HOWDIE from the good ol’ US of A. As you can read, I have successfully arrived in America. Thanks to Michael for taking care of business for me last week, whilst I jet setted across the pond to the yankies!

Well, first off the bat, I cannot write this week’s post without bigging up British Airways. At last, there is something British that we can all still be proud of. To be fair, I loathed flying with First Choice to Lanzarote. The seats were uncomfortable, the service was okay, and EVERYTHING cost more. If you wanted a seat that was inside the plane, that was an extra £20…

But BA… Wow! What a difference. The seats were comfortable, with enough space to avoid cramp. The service was excellent (even if they were mostly men), and they kept giving us food and water every hour. For FREE! Some people say Virgin Atlantic are the best, but really, British Airways is flying.

As a beautiful link, my flight landed on US soil a whole hour early (that’s the sort of service you can expect from BA… and no, I’m not on commission). This was a good thing. Well for me it was. I got to meet US border control (Department of Homeland Security) that much earlier, and then their customs. I really enjoyed he rubber glove part. Apparently they give out that service free to all English travellers…

Landing early did cause my mother some concern however. Because the plane landed early, the database on the internet displayed ‘information unavailable’ when mum went to check my flight landed okay. Naturally, mum assumed my plane crashed and burned somewhere over the North Atlantic… Well, they say mothers are like that (Hi Mum by the way…).

Over here is exactly as you expect. There is lots of food, and yes there are lots of… er… rounder people here. It comes to something when I think that a meal is too much for me! No really, at home they call me the dustbin. But everyone over here is really polite and friendly. Thanks to Chris Quinn and his wife Cindy who are responsible for my being here. Thanks also to Bill Vincent and his family who took care of me my first weekend. Neither of whom read this, but credit where credit is due…

Also, as you would expect, their cars are BIG. A usual engine for these guys is a 2 litre V6. What’s more, that is considered fairly economical! The yanks are gobsmacked when I tell them that my ’86 Ford Falcon Station Wagon (as it was known over here) gets 50 miles to the gallon. If a car does 22 miles to the gallon, it is considered fuel-efficient!!! Also, they pay slightly less for their fuel (30p a litre).

I would also like to point out that American cars are cool. They just don’t realise it. Bill’s son, Eddie, took me to a beach house party is his ’99 Ford Mustang. Alright, it isn’t the best Mustang made, but it’s still cool. But apparently it’s normal for a 22 year old to drive that sort of car!

But you don’t see many older cars out here. This is for two reasons. These American cars really are built badly. Compared with Dagenham designed and built Ernie, these things are toys. Also, most cars that I have seen that are 5 years old or so have got at least one large dent in them, where they have been involved in a collision. The people of the US just don’t take good care of their cars. (How is Ernie by the way? I really am missing him. I can’t even hire/borrow a car out here…)

Their houses and streets are amazing also. Well New Jersey is anyway (I haven’t seen much else of the states). The houses are all wooden designs, but look really sturdy (not just flat packs from Focus DIY…). Plus, the buildings are over 100 years old, and still standing. Suburb streets are interesting. They are not just tree lined, but tree infested. It looks great. Furthermore, you wouldn’t forget which country you are in. Nearly every house flies a star spangled banner.

Well that’s America. I suppose I should explain my title before I close. When I went to Lanzarote in January (it’s tough being an Adventure Ed student…) I broke several personal boundaries. I went further away from home that before (2500 miles), I went faster than before (450mph), I went higher (32 000 ft), and I went away from home for longer than before (2 weeks).

But I have now (or am in the process of doing) broken all those records once again. Further (5500 miles or so), Faster (590mph), Higher (40 000 ft), and for much, much, much longer (90 days/ 11 weeks/ 2.5 months). Heck, after I went through security a Heathrow, Mum said that she didn’t stop crying for 12 hours!!!

Well, I would like to say I’m missing all of you, but I can’t lie. As I will tell you next time, I am having an absolute blast out here, and we haven’t even started the fun stuff yet! Lots of love to all back home (especially Ernie… that just winds my Mum up, she thinks I love my car more than her. Well all the blokes out there will understand that…). I hope all is well in Blighty, and I am thinking of you. If you would like to E-mail me messages, you can do so below, and I will pick them up when I can. They will then appear as a comment (for all you users new to blogs!).

If you have a 21 year old car (happy birthday to Ernie for a few weeks ago btw), that can get 50 miles to the gallon, why not leave a comment starting your message with ‘I have stolen Ernie, and he is under ransom for [insert cost]…’.

If you are missing me, why not leave a comment starting your message with ‘I have a mental problem, therefore I am missing you…’.

Quote of the Week: [said in yank accent] ‘Is that near London?’ asked nearly every yank, after I told them I lived on the South Coast, near Brighton. It’s a little repetitive.

A Week In The Life Of.....

Hi guys,

Well, I promised Andy that I would keep the blog updated until he manages to get him self settled down with the kids and Dracula in Pensylvania.... or was it Transylvania?

I am slipping up already in that I have some how managed to dispose of my yesterdays blog so my apologies readers and, here we go! lol.

Well, this week obviously Andy jetted off to America and seeing as I haven't heard otherwise I can assume that he is alive and well on the other side of 'the pond'.

Completely unlike Andy, he is without Canoe/Kayak or Canayak and his beloved Ernie, which I may have to go and take a random picture of in true Andy style..... The evening before he left we decided that it could be a laugh to update you as to a week in my life...

----

I will be honest with you now, it has not been all that intresting, sorry! Like many students, I am currently revising for my exams, in fact my last one is tomorrow. I am a good-for-nothing (Dyspraxic and slightly dyslexic - in case you haven't guessed) Media Student at Sussex Uni and much like Andy work in retail to pay for all the little things...

So, this week has been full of really exciting revision.....'Socialising.... and much not revising... in honesty it has been more full of not revising then revising and alcamahol to boot. Either way I get bored rather easily it seems and, fed up with sitting indoors I have taken to taking my trusty car, (also a Ford, (incidentally Andy never USED to like fords :O) to either the beach or up Mill Hill, a local beauty spot (some say 'dogging spot'...allegedly) and well, hill that overlooks most of Shoreham, Lancing and Worthing.... Next time I am up there I will wave, so wave back...

Amazing Hovering Blanket

Shoreham Beach - Actually looks good! And since when was there sand?


I also have the pleasure of working at both B&Q and Comet in the glorious Teville gate and have to say I have not been knifed at either which is a pure miricle. What I do get however is my fair share of nutters. I work B&Q at 6am on a Wednesday morning. Wednesday is 'Diamond Discount Day' being that over 60's get a whole 10% off their shopping. Come 7am when the doors open we are awash with customers who wait to save 10p on a packet of screws and like to cue and complain about the wait...

This wednesday saw a whole host of customers who wanted to tell me about their children, their bunions, hardware stores of old, incontenance.... It's great. Really. 15 mins later you have to tear yourself away. This week, one of my senior and more grumpy colleagues came up with a great plan. This being wearing a label saying 'Sorry, not speaking the english' seems to work rather well, I may try it.

I also work for Comet Teville Gate... It's not really as bad as they say, but the incident book is always good for a laugh. highlights include paintball and smoke grenades, someone pushing a freezer off the roof and hitting a granny and more attempted suicides than you can shake a stick at (it's not tall enough, people just shatter their legs). It is also the grounds of special types of nutters. This week for example, a customer who came in to rant about a stuck key on his laptop, said he was from trading standards, handed over his phone number and instructed us not to call it as Des Lynam (i kid you not) doesn't like answering the phone.

When he returned a week later, he told us he was a police officer and gave us two new numbers which it would be okay for us to ring. When the manager asked whether Des would be okay with us ringing he replied 'Yes, it's okay he's gone now'. And started trying to stop people buying laptops.

Hmmm.

Oh retail, run by students abused by everybody.


A weeks blog would not be complete without a photo of a car in there somewhere, so outside Teville Gate Comet, on the right of the picture is 'The Lady' my "I know lets be poor for my entire student life" Ernie.

With any luck, normal service will resume next week with Andy back at the helm and you won't have to listen to my drivel. If you liked this post why not leave a comment? If you didn't, why not leave a comment? If you work in retail, again let me know! Leave a comment! (If you don't like me using so many brackets.... leave a comment)

And if you happen to think Des Lynam is living with you, For goodness sake PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!

I leave you with this: Andrew Clarke, Dominic Wales and Michael Gates starring in: Yummy yummy yummy yum yum, don't take me from the resturant, an Ernie based musical. I can't sing for toffee.






Partario Basin. Out.


Still can't see Andrew

Breakfast In America

Well, I know Andrew hasn't even left yet, but if you, like me couldn't read the last post without thinking CHOOON! then this is for you. Appropriately named Breakfast in America, I am sure we all wish Andy the best as he "Take[s] A Jetplane Accross The Water"

All the best mate. Don't forget us all here in Blighty!

And for those of you of a GymClass Heroes pursuasion >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiiU-Fky18s

Forgot to ad:

If you liked reading this mini blog, please leave a comment below, but more importantly...

DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THIS WEEK'S POST BELOW...

So long, farewell

Well boys and girls, this could be it. After 14 months, 73 posts, and goodness only knows how many words (more than is sensible to read all at once anyway), this could be the end of CATCOUK. On Thursday of this week, I fly out to America for three months, only to return on the 22nd August.

It is my intention of course to keep writing the blog whilst I'm over the pond, but who knows whether I'll be back. We'll just have to wait and see.

As it turns out, this week's post is one full of goodbyes. This was the week that I said some last goodbyes to my friends at Uni. We are all off around the world to do our 'placement year' module, so we won't see each other now for another 16 months or there abouts.

Some of them may never be seen again! Not because anything ominous will happen to them, but because they will just never come back to Uni (can't face the work). XP, if you're reading this, you'd better get your ass back to Uni in September '08, or so help me! These people will of course get added to what I call, the list of the fallen. When we started our course, we had 34 students. I think we are now at 29... It's not like we're on a rocket science course is it?

To any and all of my friends at Uni that are reading this, I am sure going to miss you all. Take care, and keep yourselves save on placements, and stay in touch on FaceBook!

This was also the week that I said goodbye to most of the people at NTC (the Nautical Training Corps and TS Intrepid). We don't need to worry too much though. I'm taking my laptop with me, and providing I have the internet out there, I'll still be taking care of paperwork. I sure am committed... what a pillock.

For any of my NTC people out there reading, please don't do anything daft whilst I'm away. And for goodness sake, don't loose our 26 cadets... (well, you can loose a few of them if you like)

Lastly, and the reason why this post is late, I met up with my best friends Michael and Dominic last night. We met up (well Michael and I) at 7 o'clock, straight after a days kayaking with theb kids from NTC. And man was my back sore. Eventually Dominic rolled up around 7.30, and we were good to go. A few rounds at the Crown and Anchor first, and then we stocked up from the Co-op, and went and sat/ laid on the beach.

After suspecting that smugglers were signalling us, and seeing the frosty snowman face in the dark clouds (yeah, I was very tired, and they were both on the sauce), we decided to go cruising in Ernie. We went all over, Bramber Castle, Steyning Bowl, a very cold Splash Point, and lastly to Mill Hill, after being unable to a single Kebab and Burger joint. Not even Subway was open!

I eventually rolled in some time after 2 this morning, and my Kayak is still tied to my roofrack. And yes, I am absolutly nackered. Cheers guys. Have a great summer, and I'll see thee when we drive down to Southampton to annoy Dominic when I get back. Take care.

Lastly, I say a possible goodbye to all of you. Next week, Michael will be taking the helm (to let me get settled in the US), and after that, all being well, I should return. Before I go though, I want all of you to help me. Facing the possibility of this being the last ever CATCOUK, I want to get as many comments on this post as possible. Whether you have read this blog for months, or you're still new, leave a comment. Leave two comments. Even if you have nothing to say, say that you have nothing to say, and LEAVE A COMMENT. I think it's possible if we really try, we can get over 40 comments. So come on guys, help me out.

Well, hopefully, I'll see you all in two weeks. But if I don't, take care, and thanks for reading.

If you're a human being, why not leave a comment, telling me so.

If you're not a human being, why not leave a comment, telling me what you are.

Quote of the Week: 'Yummy Yummy Yummy Yummy Yum Yum. Please take me from, the restaurant' said the bizarre lyrics of some even more bizarre song late night, on BBC International Radio 1.

Song of the Month: Breakfast in America. Supertramp (1979). The Gym Class Heroes' (Cupid's Chokehold) mix is good, but you can't beat a bit of classical class...

I'm just too tired to think of a witty title

WARNING: LONG BLOG ALERT

Where do I start? So much has gone on this week, that you had better set aside a few days before you read this. So where do I start? At the beginning I suppose.

On Saturday night last week (forgot to mention this last week), Mum went to my cousin's hen night. As part of the hen night, they went to Liquid Lounge (a night club in Worthing). Just after midnight, my Mum asked me to go and pick her up, and some of the other women up, and take them all home. Well, I thought it was just typical for me really. Most people my age go out and get drunk in night clubs, and then ring their parents for a lift home. Me, I get a phone call from me mother asking me to give her a lift home from a night club. Lovely Jubbely...

At the beginning of last week, Ernie had to visit the garage to get an oil leak fixed (now that they have managed to get the 700 year old parts). As is now the custom, I got a loan car to bomb about in, whilst Ernie was being repaired. And this time, I was treated to a fast Mark V Escort. At first glance, it looked brilliant. Okay, so the car is 12 years old, but age isn't everything.

Escorted by the Escort Mark V...

Foot to the floor, the car went really well. If I had wanted to, I could have even infringed the local speed limits... But I suppose the first few seconds of driving summed it all up nicely. Admittedly, I have had some ropey loan cars from them, but this was looking to be a good one. Just as I drove out of the forecourt, the rear view mirror fell off the windscreen. Marvellous.

Mirror mirror on the...er...floor?

Once I had the wagon of speed back, I was free to cruise to and from Uni again, to do all of those wonderful assignments. But on my travels, I did see something totally shocking. I saw a woman, driving a Chelsea tractor... off road! Well, it had to nudge up over the curb anyway. It was particularly funny. She completely blocked the road for 5 minutes, whilst she attempted getting through this tight gap. All I could do was laugh at her, and turn my engine off. It was a good job that she had that all terrain vehicle, or she would never had managed it.

'Crazy' off-road driving from the owner of this Range Rover Chelsea tractor.

With Ernie repaired in double quick time, I was able to complete the construction of my trailer. Weighing in at 75 000 gross tons, my new trailer took the rest of Tuesday to complete. I had hoped it would just take a few hours, and then I could spend the rest of the day at Uni. But when it got to 4 o'clock, I kind of guessed I wasn't going to Uni.

Introducing Ernie the Escort, and Bernie the Battleship (short for Bernice). Ernie and Bernie.

God help any driver that goes into the back of Bernie. That trailer is built like a chuffin' tank.

Along came Friday, and it was time to put Ernie and Bernie to good use. So that we could take the NTC cadets camping, we fully loaded the trailer (heaped), and fully loaded the boot, and the roofrack had two layers of bags! And there really was a noticeable difference in pulling power. No women came near me... boom boom.

Ernie and Bernie of their first 'date'... Loaded up to the hilts...

The best posible speed I managed to get out of Ernie, downhill with the wind behind me was a little over 60mph. At one point, some berk pulled out in front of me, and I had to pull an emergency stop. I swear, pulling that much weight, it was only sheer will power that stopped us, because the brakes sure as anything wouldn't have done it. Of course, not all things wanted to stop. The roofrack as loaded as it was decided to carry on going, and slid four inches along the roof, scoring some rather deep scratches just off the front rim of the top of the car. Damn.

The camp was... well frankly wet. Friday was gorgeous, and Saturday was okay (just long enough to go climbing anyway). However Sunday and Monday were soaking wet. We still did most of the activities, we just had to control them a bit better. And talking of controlling activities, a funny incident did occur. If any of you listen to the Chris Moyles Show, you'll know that there are sometimes when he wants to say things that are too risky, so he turns the mikes off. This is one of those occasions.

Finally, we got home from camp on Monday. My darling (but rather committed) cadets voted to have band practice straight after camp. So we did. By the time I had dropped the kids off, and hung up the very wet tents to dry, it was time to collect the band gear, and go to band. All the kids had been home, had showers, and eaten, and wondered why I was still in the same clothes from camp! And as if that wasn't enough, after band, I had to go home, have the fastest shower in the history of mankind, and go down the pub for a 'hot date'. Well I met up with a friend that I havn't seen since they invented the wheel.

And now, I am going to bed as I am very very tired.

Sorry the blog wa late boys and girls. See you all next week, for what could be my last ever blog!!!

If you are as tired as me, why not go to bed, and leave a comment in the morning.

If you aren't as tired as me, you are clearly a scumbag.

Quote of the week: 'Bungle, you have to level with me. Are there really enemy insurgents in the woods' asked a cadet as we went out on Night Games. Gullable so and so.

You know, sometimes I just can't be asked...

I have had a pretty busy, and to be honest, I'm not sure I can be bothered this week.

All week, I have been slaving away over a hot laptop, typing up essays for university assignments. The way university works (as some of you may know), is that you sleep through 12 weeks of lectures, and then you throw together 5 essays, in two weeks. Bing band bosh, done. I have one and a half to go, and three/ four days to do them. Well actually, I could take 7 days to do them, but I'm going camping with the NTC next weekend, so there you go.

Now, I have to phrase this next bit carefully. One day this week (possibly a Wednesday), I may have taken a rock climbing instructor's assesment, which might have conflicted with working at Sainsbury's. This could have caused me to call in 'sick' and would mean pulling my first ever 'sickie'. I think you can see where I'm going with that. But what the hell do I care for? I'm leaving in three weeks time!!! Anyways, this week, I did take and pass an assesment, so I am now a fully qualified climbing instructor!

On to the weekend. As I'm going camping next weekend, I realised that I would need my trailer that I told you lot about a few weeks back. I told Dad that I would have a road worthy trailer by the end of the weekend, and he just laughed at me. Did I do it? Read on...

I went out to the trailer Saturday morning. Having already painted the exterior, and underneath, only the interior of the frame needed sanding and painting. However (isn't there always a however...), after 30 minutes of sanding/ grinding, I had only covered about two feet of the trailer. So I made an executive decision. My trailer refurbishment, was upgraded... to a trailer rebuild. With the assistance of an angle grinder (what a fun tool that is...), I removed the old frame, and kept the good chasis and trailer board. I then went out and bought £90 worth of angle iron and nuts and bolts, and for the rest of Saturday constructed the floor pan. I already had some metal panels that I had aquired, so that was together pretty quick. Except for the bolts in the corners. What a pain in the backside...

Sunday. All I had left to do with the trailer, was bang up the uprights, and then put in thge side panels, which should be far easier than building the floor pan. Unfortuntaly, you'll have to wait until later to find out. Because on Sunday, I went powerboating in Shoreham Harbour, to help run a course. It was pretty good, although I am pretty sun burnt. Did alot of bombing around the harbour in various different boats.

But this all took time. I didn't return home until 1710, and I can only really work up to 8 in the evening, because of the noise of the drill and the angle grinder (again, what a great tool. Great sparks...). Drilled the first hole for the upright, and it all went downhill from there. It took three hours to just put in the four uprights, and put some temporary front and rear bolts, for those panels.
Dad was right. I couldn't complete the trailer in a weekend. Damn.

I have to cut some panels, for the sides. Then I need to bolt the side panels in. Once the cargo unit is complete, I then need to bolt the cargo unit onto the chasis. Finally, I need to re-attach the wheels. I'm confident I can have that all done in a few hours. Tommorrow evening...

And we'll find that out next week. Of course, because of the bank holiday (and the fact that I am camping) next week's post won't be available until Tuesday morning. Have a good bank holiday all of you out there.

If you couldn't be bothered to read this week's blog, why not leave a comment and telling me that you didn't read it (although by leaving a comment, you must have read the post, in order to know that you would have to leave a message...).

If you could be bothered to read this week's dribble, please leave a comment telling me what I wrote, because I sure as heck can't be bothered to read it...

Quote of the Week: 'F8*k Off!'. Ahhh, the peaceful language of people from London, that I was powerboating with... (imagine that tune that's all nature....)

The end of an era

Some of my more long term readers will be very sorry to hear, that this week marked the end of an era. That's right readers, I handed in my notice in writing to Sainsbury's!!!! (please imagine fireworks going off, and the Hallelujah song) Of course this does mean that I loose my main source of bitching, and I will no longer be able to unleash a torrent of abuse and complaints on my long suffering (and quite frankly idiotic) supervisors.

So to celebrate this, I have decided to copy a feature from 'Mock The Week'. In bold, is what I actually wrote in my resignation letter, and below it, is what I really meant. If you'd prefer, imagine the bloke that was the doctor in 'My Hero' saying the stuff in bold, and imagine a random comedian that the show could afford to read the rest of it. Perhaps you can make a game of it, and try and work out what I meant. Anyways, here we go (and the stuff in bold really was in my letter)

Dear Sir/ Madam,
To whichever idiot needs to read this, because they couldn't remember the date I gave them last week,

It is with great regret, that I must inform you that I will be leaving the company on the 5th June.
It is with great joy, that I'm telling you (again) that I'm leaving at last on 5th June. Yippeeeee!

Although I have really enjoyed my time with Sainsbury’s, University commitments demand that I leave the company, so that I can travel around the world, completing my ‘Placement’ module.
I have hated every minute that I have spent with Sainsbury's, so fortunatly University commitments demand that I go around the world in the name of education. Thanks to the employees who will help pay for my education.

Immediately after leaving Sainsbury’s I will be travelling to Pennsylvania, America to work with the Boy Scouts of America as an adventure facilitator.
As soon as I am shot of you, I'm going to far, far, far, far better places, to do something that I actually enjoy. Hurrah!

My placement year will mean that I am away in various placements until August 2008.
And yes, I'm going to be away doing stuff I enjoy for a long time.

At this time, I will be looking for employment again, and I hope that you will keep me in mind.
When I get back, I'll be looking for a job, and I hope you'll keep me in mind when I have a job as something decent, getting paid a good wage.

I would like to thank all of the supervisors, CTSs, and managers that have made my last two and half years at Sainsbury’s such a pleasure.
I would like to thank all of the supervisors, CTSs, and managers, who have been, in my last (and for the love of sweet Jesus Christ, please my ONLY) 2 and a half years, such pains in the arse.

I wish the department, and the store continued success,
I hope that the store can continue it's current successes, that is to say none,

and hope that it can keep at it’s current standard.
and hope that the store remains at it's current poor standard, so that I can make numerous complaint to Customer Services when I have the mispleasure of shopping here.

Yours faithfully,
Up yours,

Andrew Clarke
Customer Services Assistant, Checkout Department
Andrew Clarke
Finally gald to be rid of this flippin' place!

Well I hope that you enjoyed that. It does of course raise two questions: When am I going to America (and what will happen to CATCOUK)?, and Did I really have nothing better to write about this week?

Well, I leave for the states on Thursday 7th June, and will return on Tuesday 22nd August. Obviously this is far too long to get someone to cover, so I will endeavour to continue writing from the states. And no, I had nothing better to write. I have been busy writing assignments all week. Marvellous.

If you can't wait for me to go to the states, why not leave a comment along the lines of 'please stop then, and then there'll be no more of this rubbish'.

If you think that I shouldn't leave Blighty to go to the Septic Tanks (Yanks), why not leave a comment to the tune of the National Anthem (and no-one had better start singing star spangled banner...).

Quote of the Week: 'Mr. Himsworth, can I start eating my lunch' said the pupil, as he finished off his Fromage Frais in a tube (Frube).

Far too many choices of title

Quite frankly, there are so many puns that I could have used for this week's blog, I just couldn't decide. A few of my favourites:

Camping: it's intense (you have to say that one);
Not quite all geared up;
You can't have your Kayak and eat it, trust me.

I think you can guess it's been a busy week.

You may remember me telling you last week that I was very tired (as I am again this week). The reason that I was tired, is that I had just returned from camp with the NTC (TS Intrepid, havn't used that link for a while. I made that website by the way!). After over 48 hours of non-stop children, it was nice to be home. So that you could fully appreciate the camp, I also put together a movie. Well mainly for advertisement for the youth group, but you guys can watch it as well.

Streamside Camp video (on YouTube).

After that tiring week, I then went to University. As a full-time student, I attended 6 hours of lectures this week (and I'm not even joking). How can six hours be full-time?!?!?! I miss my friends. So because of this (or maybe inspite of this), I actually went and did some work in the library, and I was shocked to find some books...

Did I really go to the library because I wanted to do some work? Of course not. Ernie, my beloved Ford Escort has an oil leak. And being that he is 21 years old in June, and fast coming up on the dreaded 100 000 mile stage, I wanted him checked over in the garage. So with nothing better to do, I thought I'd drive to the library instead of going home again.

And how did I get to Uni I hear you cry. A courtesy car of course! As some of my more long suffering readers will know, W. Jones (my absolutly, can't endorse them enough garage) have given me an interesting array of cars in the past. And it works out, that if I get a good courtesy car (2 litre Ford Focus Ghia was nice), Ernie will only spend a few hours in the garage. If I get a crap car (eg Ford Ka), it could be days...

I walked over to the showroom, and spotted my car. A lovely looking, flame red L reg Fiesta. Dagenham Dustbin I hear some of you cry, but I like the older Fords. This one had alloy wheels. The man came out, with a very sorry expression. 'I'm sorry this is all we have that's taxed...' No problems I replied, it looked great. 'Well, no. As you drive along, the car just... chokes. We've no idea why. Then it'll keep going. And also, the front doors can't be unlocked from thge outside. But if you do lock yourself out, you can always go in through the boot!' Marvellous.

Missing a white stripe somewhere I feel: Was quite nippy, and I had fun.

It was actually quite fun, and I liked it. So sure enough, the garage rang me at 1.30. 'Loads of seals need replacing (fair enough for a car as old as Ernie), but no one has them. We'll need to book you in. Cost about £90.' Lovely job. But there's always a but isn't there. 'Two of the seals indicate that damage could have been caused to the gear box. You may need to have it rebuilt soon, unless the new seals work really well. Thats more like £350!' Bugger.

And to finish off my week, I have been kayaking today (again with the NTC). I had great fun, and I have finally managed to master my bow rudder! Hurrah! (that's a technical Kayak move). But I am now really getting into this movie making. So I made (yet another) video. This one you really need to watch though (don't worry about the one above). Wait for the end, when I do a 4-5 ft launch off of a wall, into the canal (known as a 'seal launch'). All fun and games.

Kayak Day video (also on YouTube)

But not quite all fun and games. At the very end, all the kids capsize. So after they were out, I said I would do an Eskimo Recovery (I capsize, put my hands up, someone kayaks into my hands, and I pull my self up). Easy. Well no. My partner didn't kayak into my hands, so just before I nearly drown, I decided it would be a good idea to come up for air, and look for the kayak. Unfortunatly, the other kayak then found me. Right in the chops. And one broken nose later, I have a splitting headache. Swell. 'Ouch my dose', and another carefully selected phrases were said. Well done to one of my cadets who caught this on my camera, almost straight after it happened (little so and so...).

Well that's all for now. See you next week, when we'll find out what courtesy car I get, how much my car costs, and how big my nose actually swells after being broken. Ciao for now!

If you think that it's about time someone shoved a kayak in my face, why not leave a comment, starting with 'Well done Chrissie'.

If you think that I'm mad after watching my video, why not leave a comment starting with 'Do you really think you should risk your life like that, all in the name of entertainment?'

Quote of the Week: At Chesswood Middle School, we were talking about where you might find dangerous spiders: 'Asia', 'Africa', 'Austrailia', 'Er... What about the Isle of Wight?' Muppet.

Song of the Month: 'Golden Skans' by The Klaxons.

I mounted Snowdon.

Before I start this week, I should say that when I say I mounted Snowdon, I am refering the 1085m high mountain in Snowdonia, not my friend Louise (who's surname is also Snowdon)...

Well, I hope you all enjoyed my little video last week. Although I was a little miffed at it not being on YouTube on time (I uploaded it on Tuesday week before last!), I did enjoy the week off. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see last week's post.

My reason for the video last week, was of course so that I could swan off to Snowdonia at last (hurrah!) to do some Mountaineering. Once again, Ernie prooved himself invaluable, and went all 730 miles to the mountains and back. Once again, we skyrocketed along the motorways (at nearly 90), and we got there in a little over 6 hours.

Ernie parked up at the Campsite near Trefan (in the background).

The weather was absolutly brilliant. Friday, we went to Llanberis (pronounced Clan-) lake, had dinner at Pete's Eats (the BEST cafe in the world - a whole pint of Ribena!), and finished up in a packed small pub. Saturday was also pretty good, which was convenient, as we wanted to do some more serious climbing.The 'crew'. From right to left: Bec, Phil, Kez, Me.

Some of you may remember that last year, I went to Snowdonia, and almost died falling off a mountain called Trefan (the perilous East face, known as the most difficult, and the most committing). Well, I almost died, but I definatly needed a new pair of pants when we reached the top. This year, we climbed it again, but up a different face, and it was brilliant. Fairly sunny, and nice and warm. Well, warm until we climbed over a ridge, and got hit by a very strong ice-cold wind. Oh yes, that was cold.
Climbs on the North face that we climbed. This looks really friendly and easy compared with last year's attempt on the East Face...

I wore a T-Shirt all the way to the top. As I said it was cold, and Phil did accuse me of 'smuggling peanuts'. When we reached the top though, it was far too cold, and I had to put a jacket on.

The next day, we decided it would be silly to go to Snowdonia, and not climb Snowdon (I guess we were pretty silly last year then). So we did.Ernie parked at the bottom of Mount Snowdon (just above all that cloud...)

When we woke up on the Sunday morning (bearing in mind how warm and sunny the weather had been) I was mildly shocked to see alot of cloud. ALOT of cloud. No sunshine anywhere. But we climbed Snowdon anyway. The view was spectacular. I have an artists impression below...

Yep, that's what the inside of a cloud looks like. The visibilty at the top was about 5 metres. In fact, from the top of the mountain at the 'Trig point' (monument if you like), you couldn't see the bottom of the steps that lead down from the Trig! There was definatly a need for some very good navigation skills there.


The path we took up, is called the Watkins Trail. At the bottom, there was a sign telling visitors about the trail, and it's history. Bec decided to read it aloud for us, while I took a photo to read later. According to what she read out, you used to be able to go up this track with a Horse and Cart. So naturally, we all thought 'great'. If horse and cart could get up it, we'd have no trouble. At first, it was pretty easy going (bearing in mind that I have never climbed Snowdon before). But once we got past a slate mine, the path got particularly steep, and we started to believe that it was bloomin' strong horse that used this track, and the cart must have been an early fore-runner to the Land Rover.

Horse and Cart stories - this is the info at the bottom of the trail.


The final 200 metres to the summit was like climbing a ladder, and if a horse had ever made it up this bit of the trail, it was probably one of the most talented mountaineers to ever grace the planet. When I returned home, I read what I had on my photo that I had taken. It turns out that Bec didn't read enough. Unsuprisngly, Horse and Cart only went as high up as the slate mine.


During this past week, I have finally returned to Chesswood Middle School (I didn't realise I had missed teaching so much), where I volunteer as a classroom assistant. I was really glad I went in this week, because I got to disect a pig!


Jez (the teacher I work with) thought it would help the kids understand biology if they could see the organs. Lovely. There would be two sessions, for two classes, and Jez took his class first. So Jez cut up 'Barry' the pig for these 10 year olds to see. Most of the boys were really into it (blood and guts and all that). The girls tended to be in two groups: there were those that were looking a little green, but very interested; and there were those that just thought it was disgusting (although only one threw up... lol).

For the second session, the teacher was a bit squeamish about cutting up 'Barry'. So I got to do it!!! I showed the pig to the class. Jez had put a tube down the throat, and into the lung, so he could blow it up. Easy. I went to do the same, but my tube couldn't get into the right bit of lung, because the tube was too wide! So instead, I was inspired by all the scenes from Casualty (I would say Tracheotomy but I don't know how to spell that), and took a Biro, and stuck it in the lung.


My plan had been to stick the tube on the end of the Biro, and then blow the lung up. Unfortunatly, the tube didn't fit, so I had to almost 'cuddle' the organs of this pig to get my mouth on the end of the Biro. Lovely. At least it worked, and the kids got to see the lungs go. The things I do in the name of education...

For more pictures from my trip, go to CATCOUK2 at catcouk.bebo.com, where you can also see last week's video.

I don't know whether you can tell this from reading it, but I am very tired (you may have noticed, fewer bad jokes). If you'd like to know why I'm tired, don't miss next week's post (what a link....)!

If you think I should have thought of something to write here, why not leave a comment telling me how much you hate me.


If you think that I need to get a life, rather than writing my blog, why not leave a comment suggesting I get a life.


Quote of the Week: 'Do you need an R [for the Treasure Hunt]?' asked Louise, pointing at what she thought was a rubber glove, but was actually a used condom. Bless.

Life On Mars Bar

[See last week's post (A Trailer, a Shoprider, a Roofrack, and another trailer...) before reading this week]

At last, YouTube has processed the CI5 - Complete Idiot:5 feature film.

Click Here to see the film.

See you all next week.

Let down again...

Sorry folks. YouTube has let us all down. As soon as YouTube has processed it, I'll put the address up.

On the bright side, I had a great time in Snowdonia, and I'll tell you all about it next week

A Trailer, a Shoprider, a Roofrack, and anther Trailer...

Over the past few weeks, some of you may recall me harping on about my new towbar, and towing. Well good news everyone! I know have a trailer as well!!!

On Monday, I was given a trailer for FREE!! (Hurrah). Before you ask, no I didn't steal, it genuinely was given to me. But (as with all things for free), there is a little bit of work needed. And, as you've probably guessed, when I say a little, I mean ALOT. My Dad and I went and picked it up, and it was full of garden rubbish. We emptied the trailer of the rubbish, and realised there was some soil at the bottom. Unfortunatly, the trailer has wooden sides and a wooden floor. And wood and wet soil don't mix.

To get the rest of the soil out, we turned the trailer over. Just to make sure, I gave the bottom of the trailer a 'little tap' with my boot... and went straight through the floor. Oh dear... We towed the trailer to a garage that we rent, where we pulled the rest of the wood off. The wood towards the bottom of the trailer came away fairly easily, but that was the rotton stuff. The parts of the panels at the top were still amazingly strong.

3 hours of demolition later (and the trailer is only 2.5 foot by 4.5 foot) we were ready to drive home! Which posed yet more problems. Little did we realise how much strengther that rotten wood provided thge trailer. 6 miles later, and the trailer was bent. Unfortunatly, the metal work front to back was only made out of shelving corners. Rusty ones at that. But fortunatly, I carry miles and miles of rope. A few clever knots later, and we were finally able to make it home.


I was trying to think of some clever pun to do with splinters, and wood. But never mind. Nice rope work though...

The next day, my two best friends came over for what has become a 4 monthly visit. Because the three of us are all at different Universities, we don't meet up as often as I'd like, but hey-ho. When we do meet up though, we usually get up to some mad stuff, and this time was no exception. But because of improvements to technology, we can now video what we got up to.

After an afternoon of walking round some woods, shouting "MINTS!" (don't ask), Mum was delivered home in a van. She has her scooter in the garage again (it's always breaking), so to get around, she has borrowed a motability scooter (to get around the village). Of course, 1 motability scooter, plus three university students, and 2 cameras was going to lead to something interesting.

(Original video on YouTube in case you can't see it above)

Michael is a Media student, so knows a thing or two about videos, and slinged this on YouTube. Dominic is a Chemistry student, and after this video probably won't be taken that seriously again. So, for your viewing pleasure, here is Shoprider Antics!

By the end of the week, I was ready to launch my eagerly anticipated refurbished roofrack. As voted for by you, the loyal readers of CATCOUK, I have painted my 1960s Ford Transit roofrack black (like the Camel Trophy wagons). Unfortuntaly, I'm an idiot, and forgot to take a picture. Next time around, I promise I'll put photos up.

Lastly, I'd like to link this week's post altogether. We started with a trailer, and I'm going to finish with a trailer - but not the same type. Last week, someone left a comment asking me how I would survive now that 'Life On Mars' has finished. Funny you should ask Rob. Next week, I am (hopefully) going mountaineering in Snowdonia, so I won't be posting next week. But instead, we have a special coming up for all of you. And since I discovered Windows Movie Maker, I have prepared a video trailer for you all.

(Original video on YouTube, in case you can't see it above)

Hope you like next week's post, and I'll be back in two weeks.

If you disliked the number of videos in this week's blog, why not leave a comment starting you message with 'I know you won't care, but....'.

If you are looking forward to next week's video, why not leave a comment telling me how much you miss Life On Mars.

Quote of the Week: 'Hairy Japanese...' said Dominic menacingly into my brand new camera.

It must be national stupid sign week...

Hello All! Time for another dive (or is that fall) into the wonderful world of CATCOUK. Before we get onto this week's topic, I'd just like to take some time to answer some of your comments.

Siobhan from Worthing asks:
Where was last week's 'reason-for-not-doing-any-overtime of the week', and how do you pronounce CATCOUK?

Well Siobhan, last week's reason was suspended, as I actually had to do some damned overtime (yeah laugh it up, it's not going to happen again anytime soon). Unfortunatly, I had to do one shift to keep the boss happy, and even more unfortunatly, I still need her on my side. Secondly, you pronounce CATCOUK like this: CATCOUK. I hope that answers that question, that I know alot of you were thinking about.

Ian from Chichester asks:
Why is the text getting smaller? I already have trouble reading it.

In truth, I have absolutly know idea. And to be honest, I can read it fine. So my answer to you Ian would be this: you should have gone to Spec... Optical Express!

Many of you may remember that last week I had a towbar fitted, and I wasted no time getting hitched. Alas only a trailer with my car, but I'm still hoping to meet that special person... Well I know you are all dieing to know how my first towing session went (or as Rob from London quite wittily put it, my first session 'on the pull').

Well, it was a beautiful sunny morning on Monday, and I had already collected the trailer the night before. I had left it on my drive overnight. For some reason, my brother (who usually parks his horrible cheap plasticy Astra next to me) had parked his car off the drive way when I went to back the trailer up the drive. I've no idea why...

As I said, it was a beautiful day, and I arrived at the Church to collect more kit from Mum's youth group. The trailer was full, so we loaded up the boot of my car (with the seats down - pretty much making it a van...). Once we'd filled the car to the gunwales, we set off for Lewis. I said that I'd follow the minibus, as I didn't know where the place was.

Normally following a minibus poses no problems for my mighty Escort. Unfortuntaly my mighty Escort only packs a 1.4 litre engine, and to be honest, many of the Dagenham Donkeys that were originally packed into it's engine have limped away. Along the flat and downhill, I could pretty much keep pace with the bus (there is a limit to how fast a bus can accelerate). Unfortunatly, when we hit the dual carriageways, the minibus driver (Niel), decoded it would be a good idea to overtake cars whilst going uphill.
We just dinnee have the poower cap'n!

UPHILL!?!?!?!? Good lord. I was struggling along the flat. To keep up, I was having to bury the accelerator deep into the imitation 'No Fear' car mats. Well we made it the end, and remarkably, my fiel economy wasn't too bad either.

'But what of the stupid signs?' I hear yee ask. Well, on my drive on Monday, on one of the country roads was a weak bridge. It had been sign posted for miles as 'Weak Bridge - max 7.5 tons'. When we actually got to the bridge, the sign post was slightly different: Weak bridge - max 7.5 tons, except local busses up to 12 tons. How does a local bus in tons weigh any less than a van in tons. Surely if the bridge can't take more than 7.5 tons, it can't take more than 7.5 tons.

You can'nee change the laws of physics Jim! Even if you are a local bus? (What is it with the Star Trek Scotty quotes this week?)

But that's not all. This week at work, I also had the pleasure of using the staff toilets (I most definatly use pleasure sarcastically). I noticed that they have put up a new sign to encourage colleagues to report leaky taps (all part of saving money). But the sign leads me to ask what kind of men do they think work at Sainsbury's?

The 'Men's room' poster - for nice boys...

Cutie-Pie? But it get's worse. If I report a leaky tap, obviously a plumber will be called out (very quickly if there's saving money involved). How would you phrase that on a poster directed at men? 'Let us know, and we'll call a plumber right away.' Maybe 'Tell us, and we'll get a guy in with a spanner'. No, instead, the geniouses at Sainsbury's decide to put it like this:

They even put 'nice man' in bold. It;s equal oppurtunities gone mad!

I suppose there is an explanation for this. Only gay men fail to report leaky taps. Only gay men leave the taps on. I personally think it must be another explanation: ALL MANAGEMENT AT ALL LEVELS ARE IDIOTS. There are other examples of the sheer stupidity of management and supervisors of Sainsbury's. I mean, how many supervisors does it take to work out that when someone is doing a job, they phisically cannot do another job at the same time, in a completely different location? Pillocks.

If you think that all employees of Sainsbury's are a bit 'doors swinging the wrong way', why not leave a comment telling me how gay you think I am.

If you think that all management of Sainsbury's are idiots, why not leave a comment telling me how long you worked for Sainsbury's.

Quote of the Week: 'If you did more overtime, I wouldn't be as suprised to see you' said slightly less idiotic supervisor Wendy. To which I replied: 'I'd rather you were suprised'.

Reason-for-not-doing-overtime of the week: [in case you didn't read the above] 'I'd rather you were suprised.'

I think I've read this somewhere before...

I need to start this week's blog with an important announcement! On April 3rd, we all celebrate the first anniversary of

CATCOUK.BLOGSPOT.COM

As a result of this, and talking with the government, I have secured all of my readers a very special present: everyone can have next Monday off (9th April). That's right, because you have read my blog (even though you may not have left any comments), you can have next Monday off work.

Anyway. On to the topic of this week's blog. Many of you know that I have had absolutly no material for my blog recently. And have I been graced for this - a blog to celebrate one year of itself? Yes (thank goodness...).

On Tuesday, I sat an exam at University. Now, for as long as I care to remember, I have taken exams, and I now have pretty tried and tested system: find some old exam papers, go through the questions, and answer around those questions. Because you never get the same question twice (well not exactly the same question). So, I found last year's paper, read it several times, answered the questions, and addresses the themes.

So I turned up for my Applied Meterology exam early Thursday morning. I have now been identified as a 'special person' by the University, so I now get to take my exams in the 'special room' with my fellow 'special students'. I've been diagnosed as discleksick... dysleksix... dislec... well you get the idea. So apologies for all the spelling miscakes of the past year...

I sit down in my 'special room', and open the paper. I read the first question in the paper, and think 'Hang on. That looks familiar.' I quickly read down the page... and the next page... and the next page... The whole exam paper, word for word (literally word for word - not just a close similar meaning) was exactly the same as last year (except two 2 mark questions plonked on at the end). Good job I read last year's paper...

After that little trip into the Twilight Zone, I phoned up my local towbar supplier and fitter. I finally got my Christmas present from last Christmas fitted to my car: a single electric towbar with bumper protector! Hooray.Have towbar, will travel. Check out that slick black PVC... oh yes.

When the man urned up to fit my towbar, I naturally offered him a cup of tea. I didn't realise what was involved with fitting a towbar, but I really hate seeing my car in seperate pieces. When I gave the man his tea, he had removed the light clusters, and was currently emptying the boot. After getting over the shock of seeing Ernie's back lights off (like seeing a good friend with a leg dangling off), I realised that the man needed to get underneath my spare wheel. Fortunatly, my boot was empty, but the spare wheel basin... well I like it well kitted.

As I gave the man his tea, he was emptying the area of ropes, jump leads, warning triangles, a tennis ball, a tarpaulin, and spare parts. Sorry. But matters got worse. About half an hour (with me well away from the window so that I couldn't see Ernie in pieces) Mum came in, and asked if he could work in the rain. This was because, as Mum put it, 'The sky out the back is a dark as a nigger's [we aren't racist, and I realise that this is an outdated term, but it is a quote of my unracist mother, using old world lingo]- The sky out the back is as dark as a nigger's a*sehole.' And sure enough, 5 minutes later, down came the hail. Alot of hail. I ended up backing the rear of my Car underneath the garage door, to give him some shelter.

With the new towbar fitted, and alot of hail on my roof (at least 2 inches), I inspected my present. Nice. And after just a few days, I had my towbar in use! By Sunday, I had secured a deal to help Mum take her youth group on a residential trip. With no luggage transport sorted, I offered my car, and said that if they had a trailer, I'd pull it. And pull it I have, and will tommorrow. I'm taking them there Monday, and will go back and pick them up on Thursday.

Could this be an advanced trailer for next weeks post (get the pun...)

Well that's it. A year has passed, and I have only wasted an hour every week writing this dribble. Hang on, that's more than two days... What have I been doing. Oh well let's be honest, I'm a sad git, and definatly have nothing better to do. See you next week (although I maybe a day late - and I'll tell you why next time).

If you think that this blog has gone on long enough, why not leave a comment telling me to stop now, while I've only wasted 2 days, 4 hours.

If you think that this blog is great, and should go on for another year, please send a cheque to me, and then write a comment (can't balme a guy for trying...).

Quote of the week: 'Damn, I wish I had a funny quote for this week.'

Song of the Month: 'Standing in the way of Control' by The Gossip.

Only joking!

It's a good job you don't pay to read this. This week is certainly worthy of a refund, as yet again, I have had another slow and boring week. So, if you'll take a heavy dose of caffeine, and try and stay awake, I shall begin... (oh boy)

The week started with my monthly night off. Last month I went to climbing club at University, and then spent some time up the bar (with free drinks for driving). This month, being the terribly exciting person that I am, I spent my evening... working at the Adult Education office. For free. Unlike Sainsbury's, I enjoy working there, and to be perfectly honest, I had nothing better to do. How interesting am I?

As if things weren't bad enough, this week's main story comes from the dark grizzely depths that are... (intake of breath)

SAINSBURY'S (typed with dramatic thunderclap in background for a bit of dramatic effect. If you didn't imagine a thunderclap when you read that, please go back and read it again...)

After enduring an excrutiating four hours (that seemed more like 8) on Wednesday night, I returned for an encore on Thursday evening. Oh I just love working there... But what really gets my goat about working at Sainsbury's is that when people put in the effort, nobody cares. Now I'm not talking about my effort. Hell no. I learned along time ago that putting in any effort at Sainsbury's is a waste of time. You can do a half-assed job and still get the same praise.

No, I am talking about a friend of mine. A trolley-wally with a difference. He looks like a normal average idiot, but he's actually very bright and witty. For some weeks he has been off work with a bad leg, but he has made that extra effort, and despite still having a very dodgy knee was out Thursday night pushing trolleys around. I admire the committment to truely awful managers. He was struggling a bit, so my supervisor asked me to go out and help him. That evening, I spent an hour-and-a-half outside helping him.

When I went back inside, the supervisor had the cheek to complain about him. Wished that he would go home, and just take sick leave, claiming it would be more efficient. I thought about that, and actually, by being at work, Gerry at had cut the costs to the company by two-thirds (costing just £7.80 instead of £22.20). Of course I felt the need to make my point to the mall minded supervisor.

On a similar line, that same small minded supervisor then asked me to do overtime during Easter. For the exact reason above (no-one appreciating any effort) I never do overtime. I refuse to help them out over and above my contract. So you can understand why I just continued to laugh when the supervisor tried to persuade me to do overtime to 'help the company', 'to help the team', because she knew how much I wanted to be a 'team member'. What a load of old clap-trap. Because of this, I have started a new section at the bottom of the blog. The weekly excuse for not doing overtime.

To finish that night of incompetence off at Sainsbury's, the very same supervisor then pointed to some carrier bags of food, and asked me to take them out and throw them away. So, she's the boss, and I did. I then went back to the checkouts, and another member of staff asked if I had seen a couple of carrier bags. I replied with a quizzical look on my face: 'What, the tw carrier bags I just threw in the skip?'

This is where we get to explaining this week's title. When I confronted my supervisor about the poor lady's shopping that I had to recover from the skip, Wendy replied: 'Oh you didn't! I was only joking!' Yeah right. What an idiot.

Well that's it. Another eye-gougingly boring week out the way. Please give me something to write about this week. But not bad stuff (be careful what you wish for...).

If you think that my blog is getting worse and worse, and that you could do a better job, why not leave a comment starting with the word 'moron'.

If you think that it is the effort that counts, why not (after throwing away any applications forms for Sainsbury's) leave a message starting with the word 'antidisestablishmentarianism'.

Quote of the Week: 'In Wales, they say the sun is like a fox. I can't remember why though,' said Tabs quizzically in the deceptivly cold sunshine on Monday.

TV Quote of the Week: 'I can handle you driving like a p*ss-head, and treating women like bean bags. But I'm going to say this only once: STAY OUT OF CAMBERWICK GREEN!' DI Sam Tyler, Life On Mars. BBC1, Tuesdays at 9pm (repeated this Tuesday at 10pm on BBC3).

Reason-for-not-doing-overtime of the week: 'I try to stay away from overtime - it gives me a rash!'